I decided to write again. I need to take all this shit off me. I need to express all the abuse and shit that I’ve been thought, somehow.
Little known fact: people who’ve been abused, most of the time, don’t know that they’ve been / are being abused. And even if you know, you’ll probably forget most of it. Your brain shuts down and hides the trauma, so you can “function”.
When I was younger, and I was starting to be aware of how much pain I was feeling, I used to think: “I HAVE to tell someone. Someone has to know what I’ve been through, or I’ll forget, and then it will be like it never happen.” That’s crazy. I’ll never forget the hell that I’ve experienced.
I don’t think that way anymore, but I still have the need to tell someone. I feel like I’ll loose my mind if I don’t.
I always think of it like a car crash. Imagine getting into a car crash in the morning, going to the hospital, and then having to go through the whole day without being able to tell anyone what happened. It would drive you crazy, and you’ll explode at some point, screaming “A CAR RAN ME OVER THIS MORNING!!!”.
That’s how I feel. But it’s sadder, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to talk.
Honestly, a future in which I’m free from my abusers, and I’m able to speak freely about my past doesn’t feel real. Nothing feels real.