Time isn’t real

I’ve been suicidal for so many years that I don’t know how it feels to not be suicidal. Even if right now I’m not actively thinking of doing it, there’s always that underlying thought, every second of the day.

I’m not gonna do it, I just think to myself “can’t wait till I’m dead!!” 300 times a day. And honestly, I think it’s gonna be a huge relief. Even if I end up having a good future and I’m happy, there will always be pain trapped inside of me. That, and exhaustion. I always thought of death like an eternal nap, so honestly that sounds fantastic.

I don’t know what it feels like to be normal, or not wanting to die. I’ve been suicidal for almost ten years. That’s fucking depressing.

And I don’t feel like I’m alive, either. When you have no control over yourself, what you do, how you feel or the people who surround you (basically when someone else controls you) life feels quite surreal. I’m like a puppet, not a person, and my life is just someone else’s creation.

Nothing feels real.