Dissociation can be useful after all

I’ve made a little change of plans. I’ve been going through a really strong depressive episode for a year now, it started right after I started to come to terms with my abuse. It’s been a really hard year to navigate.

Good things have come out from it, of course, I realized and learned a lot of things about my past, abuse, myself, my symptoms, and my triggers. But it has also been really hard, and my depression is not going anywhere.

I decided to try to change my mindset, try to not think about all of that so much. Obviously I would love to get treatment, process all of it properly, and have support, but that’s not an option right now. All I can do is try to move forward, keep myself active and move out of here as soon as I can.

It’s not simple. It hurts to sweep my past under the rug. Even though I’m doing it consciously and for a greater good, it’s still painful. I did that for too many years. I hope that by writing here I’ll be able to vent and not bottle up emotions.

I also did it because I’m just tired of suffering. I’ve been doing it for my whole life, really, and if I die in a year or five, I would like to look back and see that I was at least okay for the last portion of my life.

Usually when I try to keep a “positive” mindset, or at least a “neutral” one, my mind slips and goes back to saying “everything in your life is fine! you’re a crazy spoiled bitch! you’re a monster that deserves to die!”, or I see my abusers as “nice people”. Luckily I recognize it right away and just consider it a brain glitch.

It’s a surreal experience to just “ignore” the fact that you’ve been abused your whole life, that you’re mentally ill and that you still live with your abusers, but because my brain dissociates all the time it’s not such a hard thing to do.

I got to remind myself that I’m not doing this to fit in, to please my abusers, to “act” like a neurotypical person. I’m doing it for myself, so I can be happy, and have a future, and live my truth. The only truth.