A robot

I know that I’ve talked about dissociation a million times in this blog but it’s so present on my everyday life so I can’t help it. It’s the only “coping” mechanism that I have really, since I don’t consume anything, I don’t (actively) self harm, I have no one to talk to, and I can’t express my feelings through art or anything creative. So my brain shuts down all the time. That’s the only thing I know.

It started super young, obviously, I remember being like 4 years old and noticing how much I would daydream on a daily basis. Only a couple of years ago I discovered that there’s a name for it: Maladaptive Daydreaming. That’s a HUGE part of my life, but I’ll talk about it some other time.

My dissociation includes amnesia, derealization and depersonalization which is super common, but it also manifest itself in a different way that I haven’t found many people that talk about it. It’s hard to explain but my brain just shuts down completely and I can’t do anything.

If I have to do something, I feel like I’d rather DIE than get up and do it, and sometimes that included eating. I feel exhausted to a whole new level, but a the same time I can’t sleep because falling asleep requires concentration, and my brain is just stuck in screensaver.

It’s visceral. I remember a couple of months ago I was going to see one of my abusers and on my way there, while I was walking, I was shutting down so hard I felt like I had to lie down on the street and sleep.

It’s so embarrassing knowing that I have to do lots of things, but I just sit on my computer watching videos or stuff. It’s the only form of human “interaction” that I have, so it’s comforting. I know that sounds pathetic but it’s the truth.

Even when there’s stuff that I want to do, it’s horrible seeing how I just get distracted and disconnect from everything, things start piling up and nothing gets done. It makes me feel so ashamed. I know that I shouldn’t, it’s not my fault, and there are so many people dealing with the same shit. It sucks that we always blame ourselves, in most cases because of the brainwashing caused by past/present abuse.

Honestly being free of dissociation would be amazing, I can’t even imagine. Being fully present and in control of my actions. Of course that’s not gonna happen while I still live here. The only way I can keep it together while I’m in this house is if I dissociate the way that I do.

I hope I’ll get to feel alive some day. I would be beautiful.