Another end of the year is approaching. It is always the worst time of the year for me. It’s the combination of summer, my birthday, having to spend time with “family” because of the “holidays”, and just the overall environment.
It started when I was young, during the end of the year we had the summer vacations, and having to spend all those weeks alone made all my symptoms more apparent. Since then, having a breakdown every December is a tradition.
Even though the one I had last year was bad, I don’t think (and hope) it will never reach the level of hell that was the summer after I graduated from high school. I could write pages and pages about what was going on with me at the time, I will some day. It’s surreal, and bizarre, and really sad. I was so young, and suffering so much because of my abuser.
Although I was abused in many ways, a big part of it was the brainwashing and the emotional abuse, and that’s such an important thing. Neurotypical people just don’t know shit about emotional abuse, what it encompasses, and the effects that causes. It’s insane the fact that I was being abused for so many years and I didn’t have a fucking clue.
Although the brainwashing obviously plays a big part on it. Maybe the brainwashing that I had to endure was stronger than other cases because of all the religious shit that came with it. Maybe not, maybe every single person that is abused is controlled that way. Specially when you’re a child, and that’s all you’ve ever known.
Anyway, back to the present. I feel panicky because of the end of the year, I’m trying really fucking hard to work but my brain only functions during 50% of my day, I have to deal with some medical stuff, and I’m going to see Abuser B in a month. We’ll be together for a week. Yay!
The last time I saw them was a couple of months ago. It triggered me so fucking much. I was barely sleeping, barely eating, feeling so much self hate and having constant fantasies of being raped. It was all I could think about.
That’s depressing. I think I’m gonna stop now. I don’t wanna think about rape because I’m going to bed in an hour and I won’t be able to sleep.
So my life’s shit, nothing new.