I’ve been having so much anxiety during these last couple of days.
I’m working with some new clients. Even though is not a serious job, I made a stupid mistake and now I feel anxious all the time. The job is not that important, I just feel so fucking embarrassed and I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s so hard for me to make mistakes. It triggers me, and I feel like a child. The other people are so much more important than me, and I’m nothing. I have no boundaries, no protection. I feel completely helpless. I literally picture myself being invisible and the other people walking over me, doing whatever they want and I’m unable to do anything.
That’s because of my abuse. They made me feel like I was nothing, less than human. I was always wrong, and stupid, and everyone else was always right.
It’s gotten a lot better with time, it used to be way worse, but it still happens.
I’m also anxious because I’ve been thinking about how scary is going to be when I (someday) move out and live on my own. The city where I live is really dangerous, specially for women, and I’m such an easy target. I could get raped, or robbed, or killed so fucking easily.
There’s a lot of violence against women where I live (just as in the rest of the world). I’ve been reading about the subject lately and it’s so terrifying, any woman can be the next victim. The argument of “those women put themselves in that situation” is fucking bullshit. Anyone can be a victim, there’s no way to provoke or prevent that. It’s so sad.
Another thing that makes me anxious is my physical health, but I wrote about that in a separate post.
I just want to do things right. To work and function properly, but I get anxious because I know how hard it is for me.
I wish I could get a fucking break, relax and be with people that love me and care about me, but there is none.
I’ve just got to keep going. Someday things might get better.