Sick mind in a sick body

I’m dealing with some physical health problems. They’re not serious, for now, but they could be in the future. I’m sure that one cause is the non-stop stress that I’ve been experiencing for (literally) years. And also the fact that I didn’t have the energy to take care of my body.

I’m sure that when I go to the doctor next week they’re gonna ask me why didn’t I take care of my symptoms sooner, but I’m not going to tell them “I was busy trying my hardest to stay stable and not kill myself, because I’ve been abused my whole life.” I would love to, but it wouldn’t go down well. Neurotypicals can’t take that kind of shit. (Apart from the fact that I’m not planning on talking about my abuse with anyone anytime soon because I’m scared of my abusers 🙂 )

Also, I really hope I don’t have to go through a lot of procedures because it would be exhausting. I remember having the realization, some time ago, that there must be a lot of people who’re dealing with severe physical conditions, who are also abuse survivors. I imagine they  think “really? how much bad luck can I have?” when they get their diagnosis. And when everyone around them comforts them, and express how sad they are, I imagine they also think “this is nothing compared with the hell that I went through. You don’t know shit.” They might even be happy that they get to spend time on the hospital instead of their homes, or maybe they feel relieved with the possibility of death.

Because that’s the thing: abuse victims are everywhere, and anyone can be one. That’s the world that we live in, but people don’t know that.


I’m so sorry to everyone who has to go through that.

Anyway, I don’t know. I just hope all of this passes soon.