Since I’ve decided to stay more active and not think too much I’ve been feeling better, but this week I had some down time due to my physical health and that wasn’t good for my brain.
I’ve been thinking about something that’s really sad. I kinda feel like it’s “stupid” or “small” and I shouldn’t pay attention to it, but it’s something that can happen in the future, and it’s gonna make me feel like shit, so I won’t downplay it.
Basically I’ve been thinking about how hard it’s going to be for me to open up to someone. If someone happens to like me back at some point in my life, they’re gonna want to know about me and my life.
How the fuck do I tell them that I’ve been mentally ill for a decade? That I’ve been low functioning for the last 5, that I hate my family, that I’ve never had sex, and that sex triggers a shit ton? That I barely have any friends, that it takes suck a big effort for me to maintain a routine, and shower, and eat? That’s is going to be so hard for me to be in a relationship because of my trauma and my BPD? That’s everything is going to trigger me, and that at least half of the time I’m going to be completely unable to interact with them? How do I tell them that I can barely work, that I had to drop out from university? That because of my trauma I can barely remember anything that’s in my past?
It’s going to be so hard for me to hard sex, meet their families, be with their friends, be open with them, solve conflicts. Just fucking impossible.
If I ever am in a relationship it would have to be a really serious one, where the other person really cares about me and loves me, and wants to help me and see me happy. But when am I going to meet someone like that? I don’t think that is impossible, but it will take years. I’m getting old already, I’m the beginning of my twenties. How old will I be when I have my first relationship? 26? 28? 30?
I know that there are people who have been single for a longer time, but I can’t help to feel like that’s depressing.
And it is. It fucking is. I’ve been completely alone my whole life, I really need someone that loves me, but that’s probably not going to happen for at least a couple of years. I’m fucking tired of waiting. So it’s not a small thing. Cause even when I do have a relationship, it’s going to be a fucking nightmare.
I seriously can not explain how easy it is for me to get triggered when I interact with people. My BPD acts up all the time, and for the smallest thing I feel like I’m a piece a shit and should do everyone a favor and kill myself. I even think that people who genuinely care about me are lying and just waiting for me to die so they can get rid of me.
Even tough I want to be in a relationship, it’s going to bring me so much pain. Maybe I won’t even be able to take it and I’ll have to brake up with them.
I’ll be the most abnormal girlfriend a person could have. I know that I’m a really good person, and that I would never do anything to hurt my partner intentionally, but it’ll be so hard for them. Maybe they won’t be able to take it, and they’ll be the one that wants to break up.
So yeah. My past is shit, and so is my future.