As usual, I just had a dream of something that I’ve been struggling for the last couple of weeks, so I’m gonna write about it.
In the dream I was at my house, it was new years eve, and I could hear some loud voices coming from the street. Later on, I turn on the TV and see that there had been a terrible shooting near my house, and that’s where the voices had come from. After seeing the clips of that, another headline came up of a girl being kidnapped for human trafficking, and I lost it. I was shaking, and screaming “How can people just… live?? How can they leave their house?? How do they know they’re not going to be next?? I don’t want to leave my house ever again.”
And that’s the thought that I’ve been having lately. There’s a reason behind it.
We all go through our lives seeing horrible things happen to other people, but we just think “that’s not going to happen to me.” I get it. That’s the only way we can function on an everyday basis. It’s probably a healthy thing to have that mindset. But it’s not realistic.
The thing is I’ve been there. I used to have that mentality too, but something horrible did happen to me. I was abused. That thought of “it’s not going to happen to me” is shattered.
And I’m not saying it’s 100% a bad thing. It’s a more realistic mindset, and it makes you take actions and be more aware of things. Due to it, I do a lot of mental health activism, and I wouldn’t change that.
But it’s also terrifying, because you know that it could happen to anyone. Me, and the people that have been through traumatic situations, didn’t do anything to cause it or deserve it. That’s just another myth that people tell themselves to feel at peace.
So what now? How do I live knowing that something terrible could happen at any moment?
And how do I cope with the horrible feelings that come from being as emphatic as I am? Because when I see people go through trauma I know how they feel, and it’s so hard to shake those feelings off me. When I see in the news that another woman has been raped and killed, I know that she was thinking “I thought this wouldn’t happen to me. I didn’t think I was next.” And it makes me want to throw up.
I don’t know that to do honestly. I guess there’re some CBT / DBT exercises that I could do, radical acceptance and all of that. I can try but honestly I don’t know if it’ll work.
I was also planning to take some martial arts/self defense classes, just to feel more protected when I’m in the streets, and also to relieve at least some of the huge amount of tension that I have in my body. I don’t think it would actually help me if someone decides to attack me, but at least I’ll feel more secure until that happens, ha.
I don’t know, I don’t know that to do about it honestly.
I guess we just have to move on. That’s the world that we live in. It’s shitty, but it’s better than before. We used to live in caves, we used to be monkeys. We’re evolving, I get it. A lot of progress has been made. I just wish that it was quicker.