My life is a joke

I had to do several physical exams this week, I’ll get the results in a couple of days.

I really hope everything is fine. After going through so many years of abuse, and finally starting to recover, having a severe illness or dying would be a sick and sad joke.

It sounds really depressing but I really hope I don’t die.

And if I did, I wouldn’t just be sad for myself, but also for all the other people in this world who is being abused, and the fact that I wasn’t able to help the cause in any significant way.

I don’t know, maybe I did, in a small way. We all leave a mark after we leave, big or small.

Anyway, I don’t know. Gotta think positive, I guess.

 

But there’s a similar thought that I often have regarding this subject, which is: I don’t know if I would be able to take another trauma.

My whole life up until now has been (it sounds dramatic, but it’s the truth) just pure pain. Nothing else. And yeah, hopefully I’ll recover and move forward, and I’ll be happy at some point. But I’m not gonna be like the average person. Not like someone who hasn’t experienced trauma, at least. So if something ever happens, like my partner or one of my kids dies, I’ll be such a hard punch to take.

And I’ve already been there. I feel like people who haven’t experience trauma could take one, but for people who’ve already been through it (specially through out all of your childhood) then… I mean, there’s only so much a person can take.

I hope what I’m saying makes sense.

The good part is that at least I wouldn’t be surprised. I know how trauma feels like, and I don’t have a “that’s not going to happen to me” mindset, so I wouldn’t be shocked. I would just think “Of course. Of course this isĀ happening to me.”

Sadly, some of us know what it feels like when you’re full of terror, and things are so surreal they don’t seem real.

I don’t know. It sounds like I’m whining, but the honest truth is that in my short life I’ve already been through so much pain, I just want it to stop once and for all.

I need someone to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay, but I don’t have anyone.

Advertisements