It’s so frustrating not knowing how to live, how to be a person. Like, yeah, I was able to acknowledge my abuse and my past, I’m trying to move forward and do stuff. And I am, but it’s like starting from fucking zero, except I’m in my twenties.
Honestly, all I want in life is to have a career that I like, use part of my time to do mental health activism, and have my own family. Husband and kids. That’s all I think about.
And I just feel… corny. Not that wanting a family is a bad thing, but I feel like I want it for the wrong reasons. I want it to fill that need in me. I don’t know, maybe it’s the same for everyone.
It’s just that is so fucking ANNOYING that after you’ve been abused and you’ve had a fucked up childhood, you know you’re mentally ill and you probably have fucked up beliefs and faulty behaviors that you need to fix. All the time, everything I do, I have to think “Am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I being mature or am I fulfilling my inner child’s needs? Am I being a co-dependent? Am I being needy?”
And I’m not, pretty much always. I’m lucky enough that even though I went through so much shit, I’m actually a really decent person. I don’t ever hurt people, and I always try my hardest to be independent. But the fact that I have to constantly check myself, because of how I’m predisposed to be an unhealthy person due to my past, is so fucking annoying.
It’s like I have to try 1000 harder than anyone else. Everyone can be a fuck up, but I have to make sure to Not Be That Person! The abuse victim that became an asshole because they were never able to develop in a healthy way.
I’m just fucking frustrated. And yes, I want a family. I fucking said it. I never admitted it to myself before cause I was too scared to do it.
I just want to have children, and to be happy. I don’t even know if that’s possible. Maybe I’ll fuck up, or maybe I won’t but my kids might hate me anyway.
I think that I’m judging myself and my feelings to much. Whatever. You want a perfect fucking family, you want happiness. Everyone wants that, what’s wrong with that? I don’t know if I’ll do it or not, but at least allow yourself to fucking feel it. I don’t care if it’s fucking corny.
And you you know what’s the other thing? My brain telling me “Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck told you you can have kids? Children have shitty childhoods because people who are incompetent decide to have them. What makes you think you can do it?” Once again, because of the fucking shit that I’ve been through.
I don’t know. I don’t if I would be a prefect mom, probably not, but I will be full of compassion and love. Because I know how horrible it is to be raised in a house where there is none. And I’ll listen to my kids, and their feelings and complains.
I don’t know if that’s enough, maybe it isn’t, but that’s a whole lot compared to what average parents fucking do.