Keeping the monsters under control

I got triggered again, after a long  time.

Warning: incest content under the cut.

I was masturbating and, as usual, thoughts about my family starting to pop up in my head. That happens pretty much every time I get off. At this point I’m just used to ignore it, try to push it a side.

I don’t remember much the sequence, but after I finished I started crying, and the feelings started to come up. Those feelings of desperation and absolute fear. Like I want to scream for help, because my life is in danger. Like this is an emergency.

I haven’t had those feeling in a while. I had them a lot last year, after I had my first flashback.

Then I started to get anxious. My arms and legs felt like jelly. My body felt violated.

It didn’t last long.

It sucks cause I was feeling great, and being really active. I don’t want to go back to being completely depressed, to the point where I can barely eat. I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Is hard to find a balance, of not thinking about the abuse, and feeling okay and doing stuff, but also being aware of my feelings and my past. It’s so fucking hard. I know that any abuse survivor would understand what I mean.

I just want to move on, keep working and feeling good. But it’s unsettling “ignoring” the fact that you could have been raped by a family member when you were a toddler.