Hope and dread, simultaneously

So. The last few months of last year were “good” I guess (in my parameters). I did a shit ton of things for my recovery last year, so I’m proud about that.

Right now I’m more stable than I’ve ever been. I’m taking care of my health, I’m taking the adhd meds and I’m paying attention to my symptoms and needs. It’s pretty cool, I’ve learned a lot about how my body+brain work.

The next goal is to be able to work semi regularly. It’s a struggle, but I might be slowly approaching it. Also my economical situation has never been worse, but I have hope in myself? Maybe? At least that’s what I tell myself.

My abusers still hate me for no reason, refuse to acknowledge my health problems (never mind the fact that I’m disabled) and work really hard to ruin my life.

It’s like I’ve never had more tools and support, but also things are harder than ever. There’s a ticking clock over my head, cause I have a deadline from my abuser. I have to make money and move out soon. Again, refusing to aknoledge in any way that I’m spending a fortune in my treatment and that just doing everyday things like eating and sleeping are fucking hard for me.

Can’t wait till they’re fucking dead! I hope they suffer too.

And it’s twisted because not only I was and am abused and traumatized, but I also happen to have a neurological disability that makes ESCAPING this hell even harder.

Ha ha. Life’s irony.

When I feel hopeless I think about other people who have recovered and escaped their abusers. I hope that’s me one day. I’ve been kinda suicidal too, but what’s new.

Like always, things are better than ever but there’s still so much to go.

God, my life would be so much easier if they were dead.