Mental block

Some thoughts I wrote down cause my mind is blocked.


It’s so frustrating living a life where you can’t control your brain. I wish I could just be, and do the things I want. It’s depressing.
I’m tired and I’m sad, I wish I had someone to hold me. Living a life you hate is so exhausting.

I feel like shit but I don’t really know what I feel, cause my brain is blocking it. That usually happens when I feel shame about my feelings. I need to understand that I have the right to feel whatever the fuck I want.

 

I wish I had people around me. It’s so hard doing this on my own. I need support and help.

Some days I can’t do it on my own.

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Useless bodies

Being low functioning while living in a capitalist society is fucking hell.

Even if you somehow have enough money to survive, the guilt destroys you everyday. Maybe I just need to try harder. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’m just stupid. Maybe I should just get up and do it. That’s probably what other people do. Stop getting distracted. Stop dissociating. Stop feeling sad. Just work. That’s your obligation. Work. Work. Work.

Do something. You’re so useless.

Capitalism and my abusers, saying the same things.

You’re useless, there’s no worth in you. You don’t matter.

 

I’ve been having such a hard time. I don’t even know why, I can’t think.

We exist

Pros: I’m doing therapy and she’s great.
Cons: I feel like shit.

 


 

I’ve been abused my whole life. That has been my life. I don’t know how to be a human, how to live. The pain is so big.

I feel like the only way to move on is to accept it as a part of me. The abuse I’ve suffered my whole life defines who I am today. That’s just how it is.

But at the same time that makes me feel gross. Like I’m accepting it, like I wanted it. Like I liked it. I was there, therefore I was part of it. I participated by just existing.

But that is not true.

I just have to face the world, being honest with who I am. I’m an abuse survivor. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want it. But it defines who I am today. And I’m gonna keep going, or at least try.

We exist.

Gaslighting excellence

I can barely work or function, so I’m afraid that this might continue for a long time (like it has my whole life) and it’ll get to a point where my family will kick me out from my house.

Because of that, I had a conversation with them and told them I was having lot of symptoms and that I’m having a hard time doing things.

One of my abusers talked about their religion for a eternity and then just basically said “yeah, okay, if you feel shitty you should get help or whatever”.

(I want to point out that it’s ridiculous the fact that I had to “tell” my family that I was mentally ill, as if it’s not completely visible and it has been for years. I’ve also mentioned being depressed and suicidal in the past, but that also went unnoticed by them).

She spoke a lot of gaslighting shit, like “I wouldn’t blame you for that” when she has told me a million times in the past, when I was so depressed I could barely move, that that was an attitude issue and that I needed to grow up.

She also said that I “put too much pressure on myself, that she doesn’t think anything wrong of me” when in past, when I had a hard time in college because of my depression, she accused me of using her for the money and just wasting my time because I was a lazy shit.

She also said “everyone feels bad! the world sucks!” which is what she always says, completely dismissing the fact that I’m clearly less functioning that “everyone”, and that I don’t just “feel shitty”.

 

But yeah, once again, trying to explain to my family that I’m mentally ill, and them just gaslighting me and completely ignoring what I’m saying! 🙂

I wish they would fucking choke 🙂