We exist

Pros: I’m doing therapy and she’s great.
Cons: I feel like shit.

 


 

I’ve been abused my whole life. That has been my life. I don’t know how to be a human, how to live. The pain is so big.

I feel like the only way to move on is to accept it as a part of me. The abuse I’ve suffered my whole life defines who I am today. That’s just how it is.

But at the same time that makes me feel gross. Like I’m accepting it, like I wanted it. Like I liked it. I was there, therefore I was part of it. I participated by just existing.

But that is not true.

I just have to face the world, being honest with who I am. I’m an abuse survivor. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want it. But it defines who I am today. And I’m gonna keep going, or at least try.

We exist.

Gaslighting excellence

I can barely work or function, so I’m afraid that this might continue for a long time (like it has my whole life) and it’ll get to a point where my family will kick me out from my house.

Because of that, I had a conversation with them and told them I was having lot of symptoms and that I’m having a hard time doing things.

One of my abusers talked about their religion for a eternity and then just basically said “yeah, okay, if you feel shitty you should get help or whatever”.

(I want to point out that it’s ridiculous the fact that I had to “tell” my family that I was mentally ill, as if it’s not completely visible and it has been for years. I’ve also mentioned being depressed and suicidal in the past, but that also went unnoticed by them).

She spoke a lot of gaslighting shit, like “I wouldn’t blame you for that” when she has told me a million times in the past, when I was so depressed I could barely move, that that was an attitude issue and that I needed to grow up.

She also said that I “put too much pressure on myself, that she doesn’t think anything wrong of me” when in past, when I had a hard time in college because of my depression, she accused me of using her for the money and just wasting my time because I was a lazy shit.

She also said “everyone feels bad! the world sucks!” which is what she always says, completely dismissing the fact that I’m clearly less functioning that “everyone”, and that I don’t just “feel shitty”.

 

But yeah, once again, trying to explain to my family that I’m mentally ill, and them just gaslighting me and completely ignoring what I’m saying! 🙂

I wish they would fucking choke 🙂

Validation

  • You can choose to see your life the way you want, because you‘re the one who’s lived through it. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do that.
  • Regardless of what the “intentions” were of the people who hurt you, nothing will ever erase the pain you felt.  And that’s all that matters.

A visible disability

I’m disabled. I’ve been mentally ill for more than ten years. I had to drop out of collage. I can barely work, or talk to people, or function.

I’m clearly disabled but I’m seeing this now, for the first time. It wasn’t my fault, it’s not my fault I can’t function like a “normal” person.

It’s not my fault. I’m doing what I can.

I need treatment, and medication, and support. I need my abusive family to understand that I’m mentally ill, that I’m not doing it on purpose.

 

I mean, how cruel is that? When I was loosing my mind as a child, not only they didn’t offer me help, but they blamed me.

They said I was abusing them.

 

I’m gonna try to talk to them, and make them understand that I’m ill and that I’m doing what I can. I don’t want to do it, cause I know it’s going to be a fucking nightmare, but I have to. I can’t work, I don’t have any money.

I hope they listen.