No emergency exit

Okay. I’m going through a couple of days of a mini manic episode so my mind is all over the place. I’ll try to write this so I can get it off my head.

 

I’ve always dreamed of the idea of moving to a different country, living in a place where no one knows who I am, away from my family, a fresh start. I don’t mean like “disappear without telling anyone”, but just moving.

My goal was always to go to a country in the same continent. However, a year ago I came across a different country I had never contemplated before. It’s in the opposite side of the planet, a completely different culture. Sure, it has good things as well as bad things, but at least they’re new. It would be the ultimate “fresh start”.

It’s not like I had a plan, I didn’t even admit it to myself, but just having that thought in the back of my mind brought me so much peace. A new hope for my future, like I’d never had before.

Last week I decided that maybe I should actually look into it, and started reading about it. Then I came across a video of a girl explaining how she had just gotten her visa, and my hurt sank. It’s not like I thought getting a visa took 5 minutes, but I just had the realization that this is for neurotypicals only. Having a stable and important job, a degree, a career, a good relationship with your family, a good reason to move to that country. I will never have those things that you need to have in order to get a visa.

This is a neurotypical world built for neurotypicals only.


This is one part of the whole thing. The other thing that really triggered me is sexism.

Both mine and that culture are sexist, just like any other culture in this planet. That’s obvious.

However, sexism manifest itself differently in every case. And although that culture is much more conservative, and I’m sure sexism is well integrated into that, there are also some other things there that don’t exist here. Like men respecting and treating women nicely, or finding a girl beautiful regardless of her tits size, or boys talking about how they genuinely want to get married and have kids when they’re a couple of years older.

I had never seen that before. Ever, in my life.

And considering how fucking traumatized I am, and how hard it is for me to just be around men, the idea of living in a place where men are less scary sounded like a fucking dream.

Guess is not going to happen though.

My life is a joke

I had to do several physical exams this week, I’ll get the results in a couple of days.

I really hope everything is fine. After going through so many years of abuse, and finally starting to recover, having a severe illness or dying would be a sick and sad joke.

It sounds really depressing but I really hope I don’t die.

And if I did, I wouldn’t just be sad for myself, but also for all the other people in this world who is being abused, and the fact that I wasn’t able to help the cause in any significant way.

I don’t know, maybe I did, in a small way. We all leave a mark after we leave, big or small.

Anyway, I don’t know. Gotta think positive, I guess.

 

But there’s a similar thought that I often have regarding this subject, which is: I don’t know if I would be able to take another trauma.

My whole life up until now has been (it sounds dramatic, but it’s the truth) just pure pain. Nothing else. And yeah, hopefully I’ll recover and move forward, and I’ll be happy at some point. But I’m not gonna be like the average person. Not like someone who hasn’t experienced trauma, at least. So if something ever happens, like my partner or one of my kids dies, I’ll be such a hard punch to take.

And I’ve already been there. I feel like people who haven’t experience trauma could take one, but for people who’ve already been through it (specially through out all of your childhood) then… I mean, there’s only so much a person can take.

I hope what I’m saying makes sense.

The good part is that at least I wouldn’t be surprised. I know how trauma feels like, and I don’t have a “that’s not going to happen to me” mindset, so I wouldn’t be shocked. I would just think “Of course. Of course this is happening to me.”

Sadly, some of us know what it feels like when you’re full of terror, and things are so surreal they don’t seem real.

I don’t know. It sounds like I’m whining, but the honest truth is that in my short life I’ve already been through so much pain, I just want it to stop once and for all.

I need someone to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay, but I don’t have anyone.

Sick mind in a sick body

I’m dealing with some physical health problems. They’re not serious, for now, but they could be in the future. I’m sure that one cause is the non-stop stress that I’ve been experiencing for (literally) years. And also the fact that I didn’t have the energy to take care of my body.

I’m sure that when I go to the doctor next week they’re gonna ask me why didn’t I take care of my symptoms sooner, but I’m not going to tell them “I was busy trying my hardest to stay stable and not kill myself, because I’ve been abused my whole life.” I would love to, but it wouldn’t go down well. Neurotypicals can’t take that kind of shit. (Apart from the fact that I’m not planning on talking about my abuse with anyone anytime soon because I’m scared of my abusers 🙂 )

Also, I really hope I don’t have to go through a lot of procedures because it would be exhausting. I remember having the realization, some time ago, that there must be a lot of people who’re dealing with severe physical conditions, who are also abuse survivors. I imagine they  think “really? how much bad luck can I have?” when they get their diagnosis. And when everyone around them comforts them, and express how sad they are, I imagine they also think “this is nothing compared with the hell that I went through. You don’t know shit.” They might even be happy that they get to spend time on the hospital instead of their homes, or maybe they feel relieved with the possibility of death.

Because that’s the thing: abuse victims are everywhere, and anyone can be one. That’s the world that we live in, but people don’t know that.

 

I’m so sorry to everyone who has to go through that.

Anyway, I don’t know. I just hope all of this passes soon.