Going nowhere, but at least I’m moving

I’m doing therapy, and it’s kinda good but not quite what I need.

She gets that my family is fucked up and that I had a shitty childhood, but I feel like she doesn’t fully grasp how abusive they are and how much that affected me. It sucks.

I mean, that was the whole reason I want to go to therapy, so I can talk about all the shit I’ve been through and get it off my chest. I feel like I won’t fully recover till I do that.

But yeah, I don’t know. It’s better than nothing, and getting a different therapy would be really difficult.

I’m also trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD, I already called a professional to set an appointment. Just getting the diagnosis is expensive as fuck (and I fucking hope I get it), so I probably won’t be able to afford treatment any time soon.
I just want to get the diagnosis for now, so I can show my abusers I’m actually mentally ill and not a lazy piece of shit. I hope I get it.

I’ve been trying to work and do stuff. The depression is kinda gone, but I’m still anxious and obviously ADHD. Just existing and living is so hard for me. It feels like I wasn’t made for life. It’s because of the abuse, I’m sure, at least most of it.

I’m trying to meet people. I’m just trying to… get by I guess.

Hope things work out.

The host fronting and therapy

So, the host fronted today. She rarely does. But it was nice, cause I realize she does whenever I’m honest to myself about my abuse. It’s like she knows the truth.

It was also the first time I felt like we’re in this together, like we are a system. She said that we should all stick together and try to survive. And if we die, at least we know what the truth is.

 


 

I switched while I was thinking about therapy. I started a month ago, and the therapist is nice and validating for the most part, but I still feel like she doesn’t get the depth of my trauma. Which sucks.

I figured I should just give myself the validation I need (I know what I’ve been though. That’s when the host fronted). At the end of the day, I don’t know if any neurotypical would be able to understand. It still sucks though, I wish I had someone to talk.

She’s really nice, but I’m disappointed.

The therapist Kati Morton says that in order to process trauma, we need to talk about it in detail. That’s what I want to do, but I feel like my therapists just wants me to move on. But I can’t move on until I can get all of that off my chest.

What I need is to feel understood. Paul from the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcasts says that the best thing is for someone else to witness you pain. I crave that so much, that’s all I want.

I’ve been through so much, and I have so much pain inside of me. All I want is to have people who love me, and support me, and believe me. Who can see my real me.

Gaslighting excellence

I can barely work or function, so I’m afraid that this might continue for a long time (like it has my whole life) and it’ll get to a point where my family will kick me out from my house.

Because of that, I had a conversation with them and told them I was having lot of symptoms and that I’m having a hard time doing things.

One of my abusers talked about their religion for a eternity and then just basically said “yeah, okay, if you feel shitty you should get help or whatever”.

(I want to point out that it’s ridiculous the fact that I had to “tell” my family that I was mentally ill, as if it’s not completely visible and it has been for years. I’ve also mentioned being depressed and suicidal in the past, but that also went unnoticed by them).

She spoke a lot of gaslighting shit, like “I wouldn’t blame you for that” when she has told me a million times in the past, when I was so depressed I could barely move, that that was an attitude issue and that I needed to grow up.

She also said that I “put too much pressure on myself, that she doesn’t think anything wrong of me” when in past, when I had a hard time in college because of my depression, she accused me of using her for the money and just wasting my time because I was a lazy shit.

She also said “everyone feels bad! the world sucks!” which is what she always says, completely dismissing the fact that I’m clearly less functioning that “everyone”, and that I don’t just “feel shitty”.

 

But yeah, once again, trying to explain to my family that I’m mentally ill, and them just gaslighting me and completely ignoring what I’m saying! 🙂

I wish they would fucking choke 🙂

Validation

  • You can choose to see your life the way you want, because you‘re the one who’s lived through it. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do that.
  • Regardless of what the “intentions” were of the people who hurt you, nothing will ever erase the pain you felt.  And that’s all that matters.

A visible disability

I’m disabled. I’ve been mentally ill for more than ten years. I had to drop out of collage. I can barely work, or talk to people, or function.

I’m clearly disabled but I’m seeing this now, for the first time. It wasn’t my fault, it’s not my fault I can’t function like a “normal” person.

It’s not my fault. I’m doing what I can.

I need treatment, and medication, and support. I need my abusive family to understand that I’m mentally ill, that I’m not doing it on purpose.

 

I mean, how cruel is that? When I was loosing my mind as a child, not only they didn’t offer me help, but they blamed me.

They said I was abusing them.

 

I’m gonna try to talk to them, and make them understand that I’m ill and that I’m doing what I can. I don’t want to do it, cause I know it’s going to be a fucking nightmare, but I have to. I can’t work, I don’t have any money.

I hope they listen.