Trying to escape the cage

So. Haven’t been here in a while. I guess it’s been a “positive” time, some good things happened.

Year recap:

  • I’ve connected to local groups of activist, which is good cause I could ask them for help if hit rock bottom or I’m kicked out. It’s also nice to see other people concerned about the same things I am.
  • I told my friends (very briefly) about my mental health state and my past with abuse. They didn’t say much, as usual, that’s why I’m not really talking to them anymore, but at least some people irl know the truth.
  • I briefly “notified” my abusers about my mental illness. Took hard work for them to acknowledge it. Not much happened though, as time went by they started acting again like I’m completely normal. They don’t give a shit.
  • I started therapy. It was okay, much better than my previous therapists (although they were terrible to me, so that’s not hard to top). It was good to tell at least part of my story to someone, and she did validate it, but we didn’t really got into it. It was pretty pointless. I stopped going.
  • I got my diagnosis for my ADHD, and started meds. Fucking. Miracle. I’ve been mentally ill for ten years, and I can finally take some medication for it. It’s been working pretty good.
  • Since my diagnosis I’ve been working really hard in paying attention to my symptoms and applying strategies to make me semi-function. It’s been going well, but it’s a lot of work. Of couse my ADHD is just part of the problem, so it’s just gonna alleviate some of my problems. I’m trying to find a CBT therapist that knows about ADHD but it’s stressful and exhausting. Professionals can be so terrible, I hate starting a new treatment.
  • And that’s it, I think. Those are the good things.

The bad shit:

  • My abusers still hate me for no fucking reason and live in a made-up reality where I’m a monster and I use them. Because of reasons.
  • I’m still making practically no money.
  • Managing my health takes so much time and I honestly don’t know when I’ll be able to make enough money to move out.

 

It’s a fucking trap. All I can do is put a lot of effort in my recovery and treatment, that way I have proof that I’m mentally ill and I’m not just staying here cause I like ruining their existence, as they like to believe. Of course they’ll still not give a shit, but at least if they kick me out it’s gonna be clear that it’s because they hate me.

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Recovery checklist

Throughout my life I’ve managed to:
  • survive my childhood
  • decided I wasn’t going to die, at the age of 19
  • decided I was going to start the career that I’ve always dreamed of (even though all my abusers were against it)
  • staring recovering on my own, analyzing my thoughts and doing cognitive therapy exercises (before I even know that existed)
  • learn a shit ton about mental health
  • quitting my job and deciding to start my own online business
  • realized I had ADHD
  • realized that I had (and was, and am) being abused my whole life
  • surviving adult years

 

This year I’ve managed to:

  • tell my friends a little bit about my story and my present (first time talking to people who know me irl about it)
  • write and share my story online (so I can have proof that it’s real, and I don’t die with the secret)
  • make friends online (on Discord servers), connecting to other abuse survivors
  • get the ADHD diagnosis
  • starting therapy (which is far from great, but it’s better than nothing)
  • kinda talk to my abusers about my mental health (obviously wasn’t a positive experience, but at least they can’t they they “aren’t aware of it”)
  • start a local mental health online group (which happens to be pretty unique and special group)
  • be part of a feminism online network (which helps me feel less alone, and I know I can go there for help if I think I’ll be kicked out form my abuser’s house)

 

I still need:

  • meds for the ADHD, and with that being able to have a routine
  • someone irl who I can tell my whole story, so I feel heard and I don’t have to be the only one carrying this big secret
  • a good therapist (someone who is emphatic, so I can talk about my abuse and feel heard and understood)
  • to feel better (with meds help), working, saving money, and moving out.

The gaslighting slows me down, but I’m still going

I’m in the process of getting (at least part of) the treatment that I need, so I’ve been talking to my abusers about my mental health.

It’s hell because they’re full of shit and gaslighting. They’re like “yeah, I support you”, when in reality they

  • deny the things I struggle with,
  • think I have no real problems,
  • think I’m too sensitive,
  • showed little to no empathy after me literally saying “I’ve been struggling for a really long time, I can barely do stuff, and the professionals I’ve seen think I should get treated”,  (no best wishes, offering me support or help, thanking me for sharing it with them, etc.)
  • ignored / were completely unaware of my mental illness ever since I was a kid,
  • blame me for “not saying anything”, even though I did but they shot me down time every single time,
  • think (and tell me) that getting professional help is pointless, and that the only thing that will really help me is their religion,
  • make remarks about how “sad” they are that I treat them “coldly” ever “since I was a kid” which is a blatant lie,
  • blame me for our lack of relationship, while also making me pity them cause they’re “alone and have no relationships”,
  • and obviously completely ignore and deny the fact that they have always treated me like trash.

I’m probably forgetting things.
But they support me getting treatment! Whatever’s best for me!

Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.

 


 

It’s been hard, but I’m getting there. I’m trying to get the therapy and medication I need, I’m talking to people, I’m advocating for mental health.

It’s hard, but I’m getting there.

Going nowhere, but at least I’m moving

I’m doing therapy, and it’s kinda good but not quite what I need.

She gets that my family is fucked up and that I had a shitty childhood, but I feel like she doesn’t fully grasp how abusive they are and how much that affected me. It sucks.

I mean, that was the whole reason I want to go to therapy, so I can talk about all the shit I’ve been through and get it off my chest. I feel like I won’t fully recover till I do that.

But yeah, I don’t know. It’s better than nothing, and getting a different therapy would be really difficult.

I’m also trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD, I already called a professional to set an appointment. Just getting the diagnosis is expensive as fuck (and I fucking hope I get it), so I probably won’t be able to afford treatment any time soon.
I just want to get the diagnosis for now, so I can show my abusers I’m actually mentally ill and not a lazy piece of shit. I hope I get it.

I’ve been trying to work and do stuff. The depression is kinda gone, but I’m still anxious and obviously ADHD. Just existing and living is so hard for me. It feels like I wasn’t made for life. It’s because of the abuse, I’m sure, at least most of it.

I’m trying to meet people. I’m just trying to… get by I guess.

Hope things work out.

The host fronting and therapy

So, the host fronted today. She rarely does. But it was nice, cause I realize she does whenever I’m honest to myself about my abuse. It’s like she knows the truth.

It was also the first time I felt like we’re in this together, like we are a system. She said that we should all stick together and try to survive. And if we die, at least we know what the truth is.

 


 

I switched while I was thinking about therapy. I started a month ago, and the therapist is nice and validating for the most part, but I still feel like she doesn’t get the depth of my trauma. Which sucks.

I figured I should just give myself the validation I need (I know what I’ve been though. That’s when the host fronted). At the end of the day, I don’t know if any neurotypical would be able to understand. It still sucks though, I wish I had someone to talk.

She’s really nice, but I’m disappointed.

The therapist Kati Morton says that in order to process trauma, we need to talk about it in detail. That’s what I want to do, but I feel like my therapists just wants me to move on. But I can’t move on until I can get all of that off my chest.

What I need is to feel understood. Paul from the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcasts says that the best thing is for someone else to witness you pain. I crave that so much, that’s all I want.

I’ve been through so much, and I have so much pain inside of me. All I want is to have people who love me, and support me, and believe me. Who can see my real me.