If I’m not triggered, is it really a new year?

So, I’ve seen abuser B these last two weeks. I won’t be seeing them for a couple of months. Seeing them was okay, by now I know how to handle things to keep them content. I did get triggered before, during and after seeing them, as usual, but I guess this time wasn’t as bad since I was aware of it.

I’ve felt so much these last couple of days I don’t even know what to write. Is really depressing being reminded how shattered your relationship with your family is. How I virtually have no one in my life.

It dawned on me how much one of them doesn’t love me or care about me. And the other one does love me, but they’re incapable to do it in a healthy way. It’s really sad.

While I was thinking about this, I hid in the bathroom. I was looking in the mirror (a rare thing)  while I was crying, and I had one of those (once again) rare moments where I’m able to see that I’m a young girl. That the person that endured all the abuse was a young girl.

Although, not really, because of my OSDD-1. Another facet has been fronting for many years, so I don’t feel young or like a girl, and that was how I survived. A kid would have not survived what I did.

 

I’ve been thinking about my inner child lately, or actually, it’s been manifesting itself. Coincidentally I watched a video about it yesterday, about how people who grow up without loving parents should re-parent their inner child. I know that I should do that. I have a heartbroken little kid inside of me. It’s sounds like a really hard work though, I don’t know if I could do it. I know that I should, cause otherwise I will feel dependent on the comfort of other people (like I already do).

 

I’ve also got triggered about sex abuse while I was with them, as usual. Disgusting thoughts and dreams popping up in my head. I tried not to think about it though. I still don’t want to think about it, I’ve got too much on my plate.

 

I don’t know. That’s some of what I’ve been feeling these last couple of days, after seeing abuser B. Now I’m trying to get back to work, but it’s hard.

My life is horrible. Happy new year.

Abuse has no end

Another physical symptom showed up, it’s the 4th one. They’re not related but it’s so frustrating , especially for someone like me who doesn’t get sick often.

I don’t know if I’m getting all of these symptoms because of stress, I guess that must be a factor. Either way, I’m so fucking annoyed. Even more now, with the new symptom, cause it’s an embarrassing one. I hate my life.

 

Having to deal with my physical health is not fun, but my abusers make everything worse, as usual. That’s what those fuckers do best.

 

I was brainwashed by abuser A my whole life. I won’t go too much into it, my mind gets fuzzy and shuts down when I think about it, so I don’t have the energy to do that right now.

Basically I was brainwashed through their religion, philosophical views or whatever you wanna call it. It was full of bullshit, it would take me forever to list all of it, but one of the main beliefs that was installed in my brain was “everything is your fault.”

They believe that you “attract everything that happens to you”, but of course that only applies for bad things. Therefore, when something bad happens it’s your fault. Plain and simple. Your soul was being “immature”, your “inner child was acting up”, and that’s why you ended up in a bad situation. Even if you had nothing to do with it.

Because this is a philosophical way used to explain everything in this universe, it also applies to things that you literally have no control over, so that includes your physical health.

 

I seriously can not put into words how much brainwashing was done to me. Luckily, during these last couple of years I was able to start the process of getting rid of all of that shit, but some of it still lingers.

So, now when I’m having all of these symptoms, I get triggered and a voice in the back of my head is saying “you’re doing this. It’s your fault. You’re being immature, you should grow up.”

And of course, in that discourse what “growing up and acting like a proper adult” really means is doing everything that they say. Being a fucking slave of their abuse, basically.

 

I know that it is bullshit, and I’m trying to not pay attention to it, but it’s hard. When you’ve been brainwashed for so many years, it’s really hard not slipping back into that mindset.

And it’s so fucking frustrating because I’ve got a lot of shit to deal with, and on top of that I have to deal with their bullshit stuck in my brain. It’s like no matter what, they’ll always make everything worse. They’re always there, to ensure they’re breaking me down, and that I’m suffering.

It’s seriously so frustrating. I want to write more about that but like I said, when  I get overwhelmed by emotions my brain shuts down and I start feeling sleepy.

 

That’s what my entire life has been so far. Having to put up with their shit, trying to survive. I hate them so much. I want to cry.

 

But all of this is not just in my head. They’ve already said that I should “think” about “what is going on with me” and “why am I having all these symptoms.”

The most hilarious thing is that they actually said: “clearly your mind is acting up, since you have a nice life, and there’s no reason for you to have all of this somatization.”

Except it’s not funny at all.

 


I was rereading the text to correct it, and it’s the first time I make so many mistakes in a post. Even when I went to add the tags, I had forgotten what I wrote about, even though I had finished the post a minute ago.
It’s really visible how I shut down and my brain stops working properly when I feel overwhelmed.

Feeling rage in my dreams

I had a nightmare this morning. It actually hadn’t happened in a while, but morning nightmares are a common thing for me. They’re not just dreams, they’re really livid and horrible, so it’s more like a PTSD symptom because they always involve my abusers.

I was in my house with, let’s say, abuser A. I was telling them what my doctor had said about a (real) health condition I have, but thought that I was being completely stupid and a hypocrite. That I was trying to deny what the doctor had really said, and that I shouldn’t be so fucking dumb. That I should grow the fuck up and accept the truth, and stop being so pathetic. It infuriated me because I knew that what I was saying was right and made sense.

That’s when a really recurrent dream theme started unfolding: I was completely furious, and I exploded. I was screaming, punching things, doing everything I could to release my anger, but it wasn’t enough.

Then something else happened, which is also not new: I sat down in my bed and started crying, thinking how nice it would be if they came to me, to embrace me and soothe me. Obviously that didn’t happen, and I told myself “Of course. That’s the type of person who raised me. Don’t expect anything from them.”

Then the rage came back, and I recorded an audio on my phone, saying how much I actually hated them, and that I couldn’t wait till I was out of this fucking house so I could never see them again. I was being honest, for the first time I was expressing my truth to them. But I also knew that that would mean I was going to be kicked out and had to live on the streets.

I left my phone on my room and locked myself in the bathroom. They were still talking about how incredibly stupid I was. I knew that they were on the other side of the door, and I became aware of how terrified I was of them. Of how I was like a fucking animal, imprisoned and tortured by cruel humans.

I also knew that I wanted to punch them, and I was ready to do it if they broke into the bathroom. I realized the level of insanity and abuse I was living.

Then I woke up. My face was hurting a lot, I was probably locking my teeth during the dream, and the feelings always linger for some moments after I wake up.

I think I know why I had it. Yesterday I was really mad because of a similar situation. I was talking about the money I make, and of course they had to make a comment and just express how stupid I am. What they really meant is that I’m pathetic, I have no future unless I depend on them, and that they are so much better than me. I don’t talk to them really often, so whenever they have an opportunity to make themselves feel superior, they’re not gonna miss it. That’s just how their brain works.

Of course I had to just ignore it, and remind myself that it doesn’t matter what their pathetic mouth says. Whenever I feel to much rage and I can’t soothe it, thinking “I really hope they die soon” calms me down.

I wondered if the dream could come true, but I don’t think so. I would back down after arguing a little, because I learned how to repress my feeling around them, and because I don’t want to end up in the street. Also, I don’t think they would take it that far. They are cowards, after all, and they don’t really like confronting people that strongly.

I also thought about the moment in which I wanted them to come soothe me. It made me sad because that’s a reflection of my childhood. I wonder how many times, when I was a toddler even, I needed their comfort but got nothing.

I was reading about attachment a couple of days ago. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that I have attachment issues (which they always origin during the first years of someone’s life, with the child-family relationship), and that that’s probably really connected to my BPD symptoms.

Anyway. I just have to keep going, bury my rage around my abusers and hope I can make it out of this fucking house one day.