If I’m not triggered, is it really a new year?

So, I’ve seen abuser B these last two weeks. I won’t be seeing them for a couple of months. Seeing them was okay, by now I know how to handle things to keep them content. I did get triggered before, during and after seeing them, as usual, but I guess this time wasn’t as bad since I was aware of it.

I’ve felt so much these last couple of days I don’t even know what to write. Is really depressing being reminded how shattered your relationship with your family is. How I virtually have no one in my life.

It dawned on me how much one of them doesn’t love me or care about me. And the other one does love me, but they’re incapable to do it in a healthy way. It’s really sad.

While I was thinking about this, I hid in the bathroom. I was looking in the mirror (a rare thing)  while I was crying, and I had one of those (once again) rare moments where I’m able to see that I’m a young girl. That the person that endured all the abuse was a young girl.

Although, not really, because of my OSDD-1. Another facet has been fronting for many years, so I don’t feel young or like a girl, and that was how I survived. A kid would have not survived what I did.

 

I’ve been thinking about my inner child lately, or actually, it’s been manifesting itself. Coincidentally I watched a video about it yesterday, about how people who grow up without loving parents should re-parent their inner child. I know that I should do that. I have a heartbroken little kid inside of me. It’s sounds like a really hard work though, I don’t know if I could do it. I know that I should, cause otherwise I will feel dependent on the comfort of other people (like I already do).

 

I’ve also got triggered about sex abuse while I was with them, as usual. Disgusting thoughts and dreams popping up in my head. I tried not to think about it though. I still don’t want to think about it, I’ve got too much on my plate.

 

I don’t know. That’s some of what I’ve been feeling these last couple of days, after seeing abuser B. Now I’m trying to get back to work, but it’s hard.

My life is horrible. Happy new year.

Happy holidays to me

I haven’t written in several days cause I was busy. I was feeling okay, apart from the fear that I’ve been feeling lately.

I’ve gotten my physical exams done and everything went fine, thankfully.

I want to finish my year recap, but I’ll have to do it in January. So much happened this year.

So, I’ll be seeing abuser B and their family this week. It’s a yearly thing I can’t avoid. Last week I started having the symptoms that I usually have when I see them, like feeling self hatred and suicidal, fantasizing about rape all day long. Thankfully they’ve gone away for the most part. I think acknowledging and understanding my symptoms makes it better. I’ve also been really tired and spacey, (also common) which hasn’t gone away. I have a lot of things to do but I have 0 energy. And not only that, since yesterday I’ve been feeling sick, sort of like I’ve caught a cold.

This is not the first time this happens, in the past I’ve been sick just from knowing I would have to spend time with them.

Yay, family. Are there people who enjoy spending time with their families? I find it so hard to imagine.

In terms of my feelings, I’m not feeling much. I always go numb when I have to be with them. Just go numb and wait for it to end.

These two weeks are gonna be long. I know I’ll be fine, I’m more equipped to deal with it now. Just two weeks. Then I’ll go back to working, writing about mental health, trying to stay healthy. I can do this.

I want it to be over already.