Going nowhere, but at least I’m moving

I’m doing therapy, and it’s kinda good but not quite what I need.

She gets that my family is fucked up and that I had a shitty childhood, but I feel like she doesn’t fully grasp how abusive they are and how much that affected me. It sucks.

I mean, that was the whole reason I want to go to therapy, so I can talk about all the shit I’ve been through and get it off my chest. I feel like I won’t fully recover till I do that.

But yeah, I don’t know. It’s better than nothing, and getting a different therapy would be really difficult.

I’m also trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD, I already called a professional to set an appointment. Just getting the diagnosis is expensive as fuck (and I fucking hope I get it), so I probably won’t be able to afford treatment any time soon.
I just want to get the diagnosis for now, so I can show my abusers I’m actually mentally ill and not a lazy piece of shit. I hope I get it.

I’ve been trying to work and do stuff. The depression is kinda gone, but I’m still anxious and obviously ADHD. Just existing and living is so hard for me. It feels like I wasn’t made for life. It’s because of the abuse, I’m sure, at least most of it.

I’m trying to meet people. I’m just trying to… get by I guess.

Hope things work out.

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Living in fear

I guess this is a weird topic to talk about, but I really need to get it off my chest. After seeing something earlier today I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I try to keep my anonymity when I write, so I’ll just speak about the place where I live in general terms.

Basically, there’re lots of people with little money and resources, so there’s a lot of crime. And it’s sad, really.

I guess what makes this subject come back to my mind over and over again is the fact that there are conflicting factors, so I can’t get to a definitive opinion.

Because, yes, people who are poor and go out and rob are the ones with the short end of the stick. They live marginalized and in horrible conditions since birth, they’re discriminated against everywhere, and have no resources or education to change the conditions in which they live in. It’s horrible, and I get it.

But it’s also horrible for the people who get shot in the head when they’re entering their house, or see their kids get murdered. And sure, maybe they’re “rich people” who keep the capitalist system running smoothly, so they deserve it. I get that too. But is not only “rich people” who get robbed, and I just can’t help but think that no human deserves to go through that. Even if they bring pain to a lot of people because they’re an evil CEO, I think justice has to be enforced in a different way.

And of course that’s not a good for the criminals either, there’s no such thing as a “modern Robin Hood.” It only marginalizes them more.

I guess at the end of the day, both parties are victims. Of capitalism, of the mentally ill world that we live in. Or the fact that we used to be monkeys, and evolution takes a long time, and we’re still evolving into a society where equality is an universal right. But it’s depressing.

I guess I should put things into perspective so I don’t catastrophize the situation. Every country in this world has problems. Crime and inequality exists everywhere. It’s not a new thing. The planet is still a better place compared to what it was 200, 500 or 1000 years ago. Everyday, people become more and more aware of social problems and injustices. I know. I’ll try to keep those things in mind.

But for the last couple of months I’ve been watching TV shows from other parts of the world (it’s a good escape), and it makes me want to go there so bad. I know those countries also have lots of issues, but is easy for me to think “well, I would still prefer to have a different set of problems.” A breath of fresh air, right?

I don’t know, I guess is not a bad thing that I think about this, we all live in a society and it’s good to be aware of its issues. But it’s sad. And scary.

And pretty much everyone just tells me “Relax! You’re over reacting!”, but I find it naive. I just don’t want to be the next person that gets stabbed on the street because someone was trying to rob $5 from me.

And YES, I know that people who live marginalized have it worse. I honestly know that. But I can’t help to feel scared.

I guess that if I die, it would be just a natural occurrence of living on a still-evolving world.

My life is a joke

I had to do several physical exams this week, I’ll get the results in a couple of days.

I really hope everything is fine. After going through so many years of abuse, and finally starting to recover, having a severe illness or dying would be a sick and sad joke.

It sounds really depressing but I really hope I don’t die.

And if I did, I wouldn’t just be sad for myself, but also for all the other people in this world who is being abused, and the fact that I wasn’t able to help the cause in any significant way.

I don’t know, maybe I did, in a small way. We all leave a mark after we leave, big or small.

Anyway, I don’t know. Gotta think positive, I guess.

 

But there’s a similar thought that I often have regarding this subject, which is: I don’t know if I would be able to take another trauma.

My whole life up until now has been (it sounds dramatic, but it’s the truth) just pure pain. Nothing else. And yeah, hopefully I’ll recover and move forward, and I’ll be happy at some point. But I’m not gonna be like the average person. Not like someone who hasn’t experienced trauma, at least. So if something ever happens, like my partner or one of my kids dies, I’ll be such a hard punch to take.

And I’ve already been there. I feel like people who haven’t experience trauma could take one, but for people who’ve already been through it (specially through out all of your childhood) then… I mean, there’s only so much a person can take.

I hope what I’m saying makes sense.

The good part is that at least I wouldn’t be surprised. I know how trauma feels like, and I don’t have a “that’s not going to happen to me” mindset, so I wouldn’t be shocked. I would just think “Of course. Of course this is happening to me.”

Sadly, some of us know what it feels like when you’re full of terror, and things are so surreal they don’t seem real.

I don’t know. It sounds like I’m whining, but the honest truth is that in my short life I’ve already been through so much pain, I just want it to stop once and for all.

I need someone to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay, but I don’t have anyone.