How do people just… live?

As usual, I just had a dream of something that I’ve been struggling for the last couple of weeks, so I’m gonna write about it.

In the dream I was at my house, it was new years eve, and I could hear some loud voices coming from the street. Later on, I turn on the TV and see that there had been a terrible shooting near my house, and that’s where the voices had come from. After seeing the clips of that, another headline came up of a girl being  kidnapped for human trafficking, and I lost it. I was shaking, and screaming “How can people just… live?? How can they leave their house?? How do they know they’re not going to be next?? I don’t want to leave my house ever again.”

And that’s the thought that I’ve been having lately. There’s a reason behind it.

We all go through our lives seeing horrible things happen to other people, but we just think “that’s not going to happen to me.” I get it. That’s the only way we can function on  an everyday basis. It’s probably a healthy thing to have that mindset. But it’s not realistic.

The thing is I’ve been there. I used to have that mentality too, but something horrible did happen to me. I  was abused. That thought of “it’s not going to happen to me” is shattered.

And I’m not saying it’s 100% a bad thing. It’s a more realistic mindset, and it makes you take actions and be more aware of things. Due to it, I do a lot of mental health activism, and I wouldn’t change that.

But it’s also terrifying, because you know that it could happen to anyone. Me, and the people that have been through traumatic situations, didn’t do anything to cause it or deserve it. That’s just another myth that people tell themselves to feel at peace.

So what now? How do I live knowing that something terrible could happen at any moment?

And how do I cope with the horrible feelings that come from being as emphatic as I am? Because when I see people go through trauma I know how they feel, and it’s so hard to shake those feelings off me. When I see in the news that another woman has been raped and  killed, I know that she was thinking “I thought this wouldn’t happen to me. I didn’t think I was next.” And it makes me want to throw up.

I don’t know that to do honestly. I guess there’re some CBT / DBT exercises that I could do, radical acceptance and all of that. I can try but honestly I don’t know if it’ll work.

I was also planning to take some martial arts/self defense classes, just to feel more protected when I’m in the streets, and also to relieve at least some of the huge amount of tension that I have in my body. I don’t think it would actually help me if someone decides to attack me, but at least I’ll feel more secure until that happens, ha.

I don’t know, I don’t know that to do about it honestly.

I guess we just have to move on. That’s the world that we live in. It’s shitty, but it’s better than before. We used to live in caves, we used to be monkeys. We’re evolving, I get it. A lot of progress has been made. I just wish that it was quicker.

Too bad to be true

I went out for a a walk, it always used to make me feel better. I think a lot when I walk, and it clears up my mind. This wasn’t the case. I was thinking about how fucking trapped I am, how I just wish I was dead because I don’t see an escape from this.

I was thinking about how I was treated the three times that I’ve reached out to professionals to get help. It was… I don’t even have a word to describe it. They treated me like I was so stupid and dramatic, and like I was just making everything up. It’s so depressing I don’t even want to think about it.

Two of them asked me why did I thought I was having panic attacks. I literally had all the symptoms of a god damn panic attack. I was shaking, terrified and sweating, I couldn’t move or speak, my chest was filled with anxiety. And the professionals that I saw would ask me what made me think that those were panic attacks, like if I just happen to read about them on a magazine and then decided to go and tell therapists that I was having them because I had nothing better to fucking do. They literally refused to call them that.

I told them. My family is crazy. My abuser thinks they have super powers. I’ve been depressed and suicidal since I was 13. I’ve had delusions and hallucinations. They would ask me “What do you mean when you say you don’t have energy? Why do you think your family is crazy? What do you mean when you say you have a bad relationship with them?” They would look at me like I was stupid, and they couldn’t comprehend what the fuck I was saying.

I had been having symptoms of sex abuse for YEARS, and I was admitting it to myself for the first time in my life. That’s when I had a flashback and started having the panic attacks. I was terrified. I went to a fucking “therapist” and she told me “Don’t you think that if you’ve been raped  you would remember?”

She said that. Those words, exactly. I was desperate for help, and she said that to my fucking face.

And now, a few months later, here I am. Suffering just as much. But now I don’t have the energy to look for new professionals. I know that they’re going to be just as terrible as them. I even chose those from the options that I had because they seemed the “best ones”.

So what am going to do? What the fuck do I do? I can barely work, I don’t how am I going to get the money to move out from this house. How the fuck do I do it? How do I get better? I don’t have the money for online therapy.

I don’t know, my mind went blank. My brain dissociates and disconnects when I panic.

Just like when I was walking, half an hour ago. When my life gets surreal and I can’t take it, things stop feeling real. I couldn’t feel my body. Which is something that is happening quite often lately. At night, when I panic about my sex abuse, I start dissociating and disconnecting from my body.

And I was thinking, that was the first half of this year for me. Being terrified about all the sex abuse shit that was coming up. But I’ve had forgotten  about this past months, just like I do with everything.

My life is just that: a surreal situation, my brain deletes it, move on. Over and over again.

I don’t feel anything, I’m dissociating. I just know I’ve got to keep going and hopefully someday someone will notice me and help me.

Anxious

I’ve been having so much anxiety  during these last couple of days.

I’m working with some new clients. Even though is not a serious job, I made a stupid mistake and now I feel anxious all the time. The job is not that important, I just feel so fucking embarrassed and I can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s so hard for me to make mistakes. It triggers me, and I feel like a child. The other people are so much more important than me, and I’m nothing. I have no boundaries, no protection. I feel completely helpless. I literally picture myself being invisible and the other people walking over me, doing whatever they want and I’m unable to do anything.

That’s because of my abuse. They made me feel like I was nothing, less than human. I was always wrong, and stupid, and everyone else was always right.

It’s gotten a lot better with time, it used to be way worse, but it still happens.

 

I’m also anxious because I’ve been thinking about how scary is going to be when I (someday) move out and live on my own. The city where I live is really dangerous, specially for women, and I’m such an easy target. I could get raped, or robbed, or killed so fucking easily.

There’s a lot of violence against women where I live (just as in the rest of the world). I’ve been reading about the subject lately and it’s so terrifying, any woman can be the next victim. The argument of “those women put themselves in that situation” is fucking bullshit. Anyone can be a victim, there’s no way to provoke or prevent that. It’s so sad.

 

Another thing that makes me anxious is my physical health, but I wrote about that in a separate post.

 

I just want to do things right. To work and function properly, but I get anxious because I know how hard it is for me.

I wish I could get a fucking break, relax and be with people that love me and care about me, but there is none.

I’ve just got to keep going. Someday things might get better.