Fear 24/7

So much shit happens to me on the daily, I cant keep up with writing it all.

I feel good. I’ve been working a lot, which has helped my mood greatly. I’m still trying not to think about my past so much, so I can move a little bit forwards with my life and become independent. That’s been going great.

I still feel really unsafe in the world, which makes sense. At the end of the day, the first two decades of my life have been a fucking nightmare, so it’s only logical I’m waiting for the next catastrophe to come.

I don’t know what people do to feel safe. I couldn’t sleep tonight and I remembered the time when I was in high school (I was 14) and my best friend got beaten up by a girl. So many things were involved in that situation, all of them completely fucked up, but one was the complete lack of reaction. My family, her family, the teachers, counselors, the school principals. No one did anything. We were still attending the same class together, everyday. No disciplinary action was taken.

And I could have been the next one to get beaten up, but my family did nothing. Everyday, I went to school thinking it could happen. Someone could literally punch me till I was laying on the street, and I knew no one was going to do anything about it. I was 14.

Obviously that’s just one example, but how can I ever feel safe in this planet?

This is another topic, but I’ve been thinking about my inner child a lot lately. I still don’t know much about it, but I do know that the child in me was completely neglected and unprotected. I still feel it to this day. I was never comforted or made feel safe (not genuinely¬† at least). I feel like when you’re a kid is the only time in your life when you feel, even if it’s not realistic, 100% protected. I’ve never had that.

Now I just live in constant fear and in need of someone to comfort me. Fucking sad.

Feeling rage in my dreams

I had a nightmare this morning. It actually hadn’t happened in a while, but morning nightmares are a common thing for me. They’re not just dreams, they’re really livid and horrible, so it’s more like a PTSD symptom because they always involve my abusers.

I was in my house with, let’s say, abuser A. I was telling them what my doctor had said about a (real) health condition I have, but thought that I was being completely stupid and a hypocrite. That I was trying to deny what the doctor had really said, and that I shouldn’t be so fucking dumb. That I should grow the fuck up and accept the truth, and stop being so pathetic. It infuriated me because I knew that what I was saying was right and made sense.

That’s when a really recurrent dream theme started unfolding: I was completely furious, and I exploded. I was screaming, punching things, doing everything I could to release my anger, but it wasn’t enough.

Then something else happened, which is also not new: I sat down in my bed and started crying, thinking how nice it would be if they came to me, to embrace me and soothe me. Obviously that didn’t happen, and I told myself “Of course. That’s the type of person who raised me. Don’t expect anything from them.”

Then the rage came back, and I recorded an audio on my phone, saying how much I actually hated them, and that I couldn’t wait till I was out of this fucking house so I could never see them again. I was being honest, for the first time I was expressing my truth to them. But I also knew that that would mean I was going to be kicked out and had to live on the streets.

I left my phone on my room and locked myself in the bathroom. They were still talking about how incredibly stupid I was. I knew that they were on the other side of the door, and I became aware of how terrified I was of them. Of how I was like a fucking animal, imprisoned and tortured by cruel humans.

I also knew that I wanted to punch them, and I was ready to do it if they broke into the bathroom. I realized the level of insanity and abuse I was living.

Then I woke up. My face was hurting a lot, I was probably locking my teeth during the dream, and the feelings always linger for some moments after I wake up.

I think I know why I had it. Yesterday I was really mad because of a similar situation. I was talking about the money I make, and of course they had to make a comment and just express how stupid I am. What they really meant is that I’m pathetic, I have no future unless I depend on them, and that they are so much better than me. I don’t talk to them really often, so whenever they have an opportunity to make themselves feel superior, they’re not gonna miss it. That’s just how their brain works.

Of course I had to just ignore it, and remind myself that it doesn’t matter what their pathetic mouth says. Whenever I feel to much rage and I can’t soothe it, thinking “I really hope they die soon” calms me down.

I wondered if the dream could come true, but I don’t think so. I would back down after arguing a little, because I learned how to repress my feeling around them, and because I don’t want to end up in the street. Also, I don’t think they would take it that far. They are cowards, after all, and they don’t really like confronting people that strongly.

I also thought about the moment in which I wanted them to come soothe me. It made me sad because that’s a reflection of my childhood. I wonder how many times, when I was a toddler even, I needed their comfort but got nothing.

I was reading about attachment a couple of days ago. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that I have attachment issues (which they always origin during the first years of someone’s life, with the child-family relationship), and that that’s probably really connected to my BPD symptoms.

Anyway. I just have to keep going, bury my rage around my abusers and hope I can make it out of this fucking house one day.