Swimming through the waves

Ugh. Haven’t written in a long time. Let’s see.

I was abused by my family my whole childhood, which left me with a lot of trauma. I also have ADHD, which makes working (and moving out) really hard.

The upside is that now I have my ADHD diagnosis, and meds. It’s really hard to have access to meds where I live, so that’s a constant worry in the back of my mind. I’ve also been dealing with annoying side effects, to the point where I’m only taking it sometimes. I can’t risk talking about this with my psychiatrist and have my meds taken away, so I just have to deal with it on my own.

I’ve also been taking care of my physical health, for the first time ever, and my lifestyle is way healthier now.  I’ve actually been doing things like exercising and going out on weekends.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that my menstrual cycle has a HUGE impact on my symptoms. I’ll try to address that with my doctor in the next couple of weeks.

I’ve also been able to work more, so that’s cool. Still not enough though, but I’m trying.

 

I’ve been thinking of only dating women (if I ever date someone in my life), cause I can’t even imagine being with a man. Too much baggage.

 

The situation with one of my abusers is kinda stable at the moment, thankfully. They still often flash their genitals, and do shit like walking in on me taking a shower. At least they’re not threatening me to kick me out.

In terms of my housing situation, I might be able to reach an agreement with my abuser. I can’t even believe I’m typing this, it feels too good to be true. However it’s super soon to know for sure, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they change their mind or use it as a manipulation tool. I’m just… hoping for the best.

At the end of the day I’m still at their mercy. They have the power to do whatever the fuck they want with me.

 

I haven’t been to therapy for a couple of months, but I don’t even feel like it. Therapists are shit here, I’ve been thought that enough times.

 

That’s what I’ve been dealing with for the last couple of months.


 

This week I was thinking about getting a second job, but then I started remembering all the issues I had in my previous ones. I realized I really struggle with social situations. I get really overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed just by leaving my house. Sometimes I have weird episodes (I call them “shutdowns”) where my body just stops working and I can barely move or speak.

Getting an ADHD diagnosis was great cause it helped me to see and cope with a lot of symptoms, but I’ve been thinking “is there something else?…”

I started considering autism… I’ve reading a little bit about it, and some things fit. Like getting overwhelmed when going out, or struggling with eye contact.

Sadly, all these symptoms get in the way of me getting a job, or getting a roommate.

 

I don’t know. Time will tell I guess.  Shit keeps coming up, but I keep moving forward.

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