My story

Trigger warning: child sex abuse, incest, abuse.

 

I was born two decades ago. My whole life I suffered from emotional abuse from my family, and was sexually abused by one? of them when I was possibly a toddler. They also brainwashed me with a sort of “religion” that they created.

I had no support, from anyone.

I first wanted to kill myself at 13, and during my teenage years that was all I could think about. Some of my symptoms where extreme maladaptive daydreaming, hallucinations, and being completely disconnected from my identity (years later I discovered it was OSDD-1).

I hit rock bottom right after finishing high school. I was delusional, convinced that the world was going to end (by my religious family member), and ready to die.

I had been so hurt by my abusers, to the point that I could not longer pretend that didn’t happen, but I didn’t know how to feel anger. I had never been allowed to feel it, so I had no idea how to express it.

With time, I was able to do it. I was feeling angry for the first time in my life. I was venting, and complaining, and validating my emotions (not in front of my abusers, obviously). That’s when I decided I wanted to live, but I would do it for me, not because I had to” or because that’s what my abusers wanted.

So that’s when I started recovering. And when I say “recovering”, I mean doing that completely on my own. My abusers had convinced me that therapy/psychology/just the world in general was bullshit, so I didn’t seek out professional help. But I started reading about mental health, journaling, analyzing my thoughts, etc.

It actually worked. I started recovering. Of course, it wasn’t a simple process. The period where I started college was also extremely hard, I had to drop out eventually, and my abusers where as cruel as always. But with time, my mind got a little better.

It actually got so much better, to the point where I didn’t hate myself or the world anymore. But I still was depressed. “What’s the problem, then?” I thought. That’s when I realized: it was my family. That’s what pushed me to be mentally ill in the first place. That’s what’s keeping me from being happy today.

I had a really hard time remembering my past, so I started reading my diaries from when I was younger. I started to remember, and puzzling everything together.

That was a year ago. Being able to see the fact that you’ve been abused is not something easy, every abuse survivor knows that. Specially when you’ve been as brainwashed as I was. I was going back and forth, seeing the abuse, and then denying it completely and wanting to kill myself for being so “stupid and crazy”.

With time, the doubts went away and I began to fully accept it. It was very painful, and I felt completely alone (which I was, and still am). But I guess I got over it pretty quickly. At the end of the day, I’ve never really had a relationship with my “family”, so seeing them as strangers wasn’t hard.

It was also a good thing, in a sad way: for the first time, my life made sense. For the first time, I could understand why I wanted to die, why I saw myself and the world the way I did.

But it wasn’t over. I had a period where I would get triggered very time I masturbated. It wasn’t the first time, but it had never been that often. A couple of weeks went by, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Why was that happening?

I started wondering if something could have happened. If I had been abused not only emotionally, but also in other ways.

Memories came up, flashbacks came up, and I realized I’ve had symptoms of sex all my life. Things still aren’t clear, but I know something happened. For now, that’s enough. Digging into it provokes a HUGE fear in me, like I’ve never felt before in my life. I don’t have the support or resources to process it right now.

Which brings me to the other thing. During this time, I tried getting professional help. It was a disaster. All three therapists that saw me couldn’t understand why I was struggling (I am NOT joking). They would treat me like I was stupid, and just being dramatic, and refused to acknowledge as true anything I would bring up. Things as basic as my mom being absolutely insane, or me having panic attacks.

When I brought up the fact that I thought I might have been sexually abused because I was having flashbacks, one of them told me “Don’t you think that if you had been raped you would remember?”

She said that. She fucking said that.

Any professional in this planet should know that is not only possible, but absolutely common for people to remember their abuse years after it’s happened. But she fucking said that.

That was the last time I tried getting professional help.

And I just kept going. On my own, trying to recover, trying to accept what happened. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m trying.

Now, the focus of my life is on my work. Even though I still struggle a lot, I have to make money since I’m already in my twenties. Of course, my abusers refuse to acknowledge anything they’ve ever done, or even the fact that I’m mentally ill. Hell, they see me as an abuser, because I’m a “spoiled monster” who “uses them”. The truth is that I can barely function. But I’m trying, since I have no other choice, or I’ll probably end up in the street or dead.

Even when I feel a little bit better, my ADHD makes my life hard. Getting treatment for it is super hard where I live, so yay. Not only my family failed me, but also the whole fucking health system.

That’s where I’m at right now. Trying to work, trying to reach out to people. And telling my story. That way, if I die, at least the world will know that it was my abusers’ fault.

 


 

Writing this was so draining I don’t have the energy to proofread it, I apologize for the mistakes I’m sure it has.

Abuse has no end

Another physical symptom showed up, it’s the 4th one. They’re not related but it’s so frustrating , especially for someone like me who doesn’t get sick often.

I don’t know if I’m getting all of these symptoms because of stress, I guess that must be a factor. Either way, I’m so fucking annoyed. Even more now, with the new symptom, cause it’s an embarrassing one. I hate my life.

 

Having to deal with my physical health is not fun, but my abusers make everything worse, as usual. That’s what those fuckers do best.

 

I was brainwashed by abuser A my whole life. I won’t go too much into it, my mind gets fuzzy and shuts down when I think about it, so I don’t have the energy to do that right now.

Basically I was brainwashed through their religion, philosophical views or whatever you wanna call it. It was full of bullshit, it would take me forever to list all of it, but one of the main beliefs that was installed in my brain was “everything is your fault.”

They believe that you “attract everything that happens to you”, but of course that only applies for bad things. Therefore, when something bad happens it’s your fault. Plain and simple. Your soul was being “immature”, your “inner child was acting up”, and that’s why you ended up in a bad situation. Even if you had nothing to do with it.

Because this is a philosophical way used to explain everything in this universe, it also applies to things that you literally have no control over, so that includes your physical health.

 

I seriously can not put into words how much brainwashing was done to me. Luckily, during these last couple of years I was able to start the process of getting rid of all of that shit, but some of it still lingers.

So, now when I’m having all of these symptoms, I get triggered and a voice in the back of my head is saying “you’re doing this. It’s your fault. You’re being immature, you should grow up.”

And of course, in that discourse what “growing up and acting like a proper adult” really means is doing everything that they say. Being a fucking slave of their abuse, basically.

 

I know that it is bullshit, and I’m trying to not pay attention to it, but it’s hard. When you’ve been brainwashed for so many years, it’s really hard not slipping back into that mindset.

And it’s so fucking frustrating because I’ve got a lot of shit to deal with, and on top of that I have to deal with their bullshit stuck in my brain. It’s like no matter what, they’ll always make everything worse. They’re always there, to ensure they’re breaking me down, and that I’m suffering.

It’s seriously so frustrating. I want to write more about that but like I said, when  I get overwhelmed by emotions my brain shuts down and I start feeling sleepy.

 

That’s what my entire life has been so far. Having to put up with their shit, trying to survive. I hate them so much. I want to cry.

 

But all of this is not just in my head. They’ve already said that I should “think” about “what is going on with me” and “why am I having all these symptoms.”

The most hilarious thing is that they actually said: “clearly your mind is acting up, since you have a nice life, and there’s no reason for you to have all of this somatization.”

Except it’s not funny at all.

 


I was rereading the text to correct it, and it’s the first time I make so many mistakes in a post. Even when I went to add the tags, I had forgotten what I wrote about, even though I had finished the post a minute ago.
It’s really visible how I shut down and my brain stops working properly when I feel overwhelmed.

Anxious

I’ve been having so much anxiety  during these last couple of days.

I’m working with some new clients. Even though is not a serious job, I made a stupid mistake and now I feel anxious all the time. The job is not that important, I just feel so fucking embarrassed and I can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s so hard for me to make mistakes. It triggers me, and I feel like a child. The other people are so much more important than me, and I’m nothing. I have no boundaries, no protection. I feel completely helpless. I literally picture myself being invisible and the other people walking over me, doing whatever they want and I’m unable to do anything.

That’s because of my abuse. They made me feel like I was nothing, less than human. I was always wrong, and stupid, and everyone else was always right.

It’s gotten a lot better with time, it used to be way worse, but it still happens.

 

I’m also anxious because I’ve been thinking about how scary is going to be when I (someday) move out and live on my own. The city where I live is really dangerous, specially for women, and I’m such an easy target. I could get raped, or robbed, or killed so fucking easily.

There’s a lot of violence against women where I live (just as in the rest of the world). I’ve been reading about the subject lately and it’s so terrifying, any woman can be the next victim. The argument of “those women put themselves in that situation” is fucking bullshit. Anyone can be a victim, there’s no way to provoke or prevent that. It’s so sad.

 

Another thing that makes me anxious is my physical health, but I wrote about that in a separate post.

 

I just want to do things right. To work and function properly, but I get anxious because I know how hard it is for me.

I wish I could get a fucking break, relax and be with people that love me and care about me, but there is none.

I’ve just got to keep going. Someday things might get better.

Steadily approaching the next breakdown

Another end of the year is approaching. It is always the worst time of the year for me. It’s the combination of summer, my birthday, having to spend time with “family” because of the “holidays”, and just the overall environment.

It started when I was young, during the end of the year we had the summer vacations, and having to spend all those weeks alone made all my symptoms more apparent. Since then, having a breakdown every December is a tradition.

Even though the one I had last year was bad, I don’t think (and hope) it will never reach the level of hell that was the summer after I graduated from high school. I could write pages and pages about what was going on with me at the time, I will some day. It’s surreal, and bizarre, and really sad. I was so young, and suffering so much because of my abuser.

 

Although I was abused in many ways, a big part of it was the brainwashing and the emotional abuse, and that’s such an important thing. Neurotypical people just don’t know shit about emotional abuse, what it encompasses, and the effects that causes. It’s insane the fact that I was being abused for so many years and I didn’t have a fucking clue.

Although the brainwashing obviously plays a big part on it. Maybe the brainwashing that I had to endure was stronger than other cases because of all the religious shit that came with it. Maybe not, maybe every single person that is abused is controlled that way. Specially when you’re a child, and that’s all you’ve ever known.

 

Anyway, back to the present. I feel panicky because of the end of the year, I’m trying really fucking hard to work but my brain only functions during 50% of my day, I have to deal with some medical stuff, and I’m going to see Abuser B in a month. We’ll be together for a week. Yay!

The last time I saw them was a couple of months ago. It triggered me so fucking much. I was barely sleeping, barely eating, feeling so much self hate and having constant fantasies of being raped. It was all I could think about.

 

That’s depressing. I think I’m gonna stop now. I don’t wanna think about rape because I’m going to bed in an hour and I won’t be able to sleep.

So my life’s shit, nothing new.

 

Apparently Normal People exist?

I was having a conversation with someone – a rare thing – and they asked me why don’t I move with one of my parents that lives somewhere else since it would be really ‘convenient’ for me. My other parent was there and made a joke, saying ‘but then she would have to deal with them! hahaha.’ The person replied  ‘oh, it can’t be that bad!’.

It felt so surreal. That’s a common thing. She finds that perfectly normal. Some people can actually spend time with their families without wanting to jump off bridges.

The fucked up thing is I don’t know anything. At all. I was trained by my abuser to believe that ‘everyone hates their family! everyone’s miserable! everyone in this world is completely dysfunctional! relax!’ and I have absolutely no idea if that’s true or not. I don’t know what the norm is. I guess I’ll learn more about how life works when I’m able to get out of here and live for the first time. Then I’ll make my own conclusions. But in the meantime, I have no fucking idea.

I know that people  who’ve been abused understand the feeling. I used to think that ‘brainwashing’ was just a far-fetched element of pretentious movies. I can’t even explain it. My mind is a blank board where anyone can write whatever they want in it, and I’m only watching. I don’t even have a pen to write something in it myself. It’s scary.