This is what they’ve done to me

I need to write this so I can get it off my chest.

It’s so hard for me to just imagine having sex. I’m in my twenties and still just masturbating is a fucking struggle. I  get triggered every time.

It’s better than before, now at least I can imagine someone wanting to have sex with me, but I still feel like I’m being a spoiled brat, using someone for my own benefit (that’s how they see me). But it’s actually the opposite, my mind always tends to think that the other persons would just fuck me to get off, like a sex toy. Just using my body, because no one could really want me.

I was imagining having actual sex with someone, where both of us want to fuck each other, and I realized that’s what’s sex is. If it’s not like that, then it’s rape. And there are people in this fucking world who would find me attractive, and who would actually want to have sex with me.

It’s hard for me to accept my body. Or just have a body, or remembering that I have one. I was thinking this has always been the case, since I was a child, and obviously that was thanks to my family.

I remembered when I was 13 or 14, and we were having dinner with my whole family, and some friends of them. They decided to start talking about my appearance (that’s the only thing they would talk about me) and saying, once again, how I should change my hair, change that, pay more attention to my appearance. One of them said I looked “horrible”, and then asked “Don’t you want to attract the opposite sex?”.

What kind of fucked up question is that? Of course everyone agreed. They also starting criticizing how “shy” I was, and how I would never talk. One of their friends, who was clearly uncomfortable with the situation, tried to make it better saying “Oh, well I’m sure that when she does have something to say, it’s brilliant!”. My abuser shook their head, with a face that said “Trust me, no.”

They did that. Those people who say they love me did that to me.

I can’t even look at my body. For most of my life I didn’t even feel it. I was like a fucking cloud. I didn’t feel like I was a girl, I didn’t feel like I had a gender. I didn’t feel like I was a person.

This is the fucking proof of what they did to me. This fucking blog, this fucking post. Just so my brain doesn’t try to delete it and forget everything that ever happened to me, like it usually does.

I was a fucking child. They were supposed to tell me “Hey, are boys being nice to you? Do you feel comfortable in your own skin? Remember you’re beautiful and that I’ll protect you.” I was a 13 year old girl. But they were telling me “Your body doesn’t belong to you. Make sure you’re pretty to boys, that’s your only fucking use and you’re failing at it.”

Fuck all of them.

I hope one day someone sees the pain I’ve been through. And they deserve to fucking die. They don’t deserve to see my fucking face ever again.

Fear 24/7

So much shit happens to me on the daily, I cant keep up with writing it all.

I feel good. I’ve been working a lot, which has helped my mood greatly. I’m still trying not to think about my past so much, so I can move a little bit forwards with my life and become independent. That’s been going great.

I still feel really unsafe in the world, which makes sense. At the end of the day, the first two decades of my life have been a fucking nightmare, so it’s only logical I’m waiting for the next catastrophe to come.

I don’t know what people do to feel safe. I couldn’t sleep tonight and I remembered the time when I was in high school (I was 14) and my best friend got beaten up by a girl. So many things were involved in that situation, all of them completely fucked up, but one was the complete lack of reaction. My family, her family, the teachers, counselors, the school principals. No one did anything. We were still attending the same class together, everyday. No disciplinary action was taken.

And I could have been the next one to get beaten up, but my family did nothing. Everyday, I went to school thinking it could happen. Someone could literally punch me till I was laying on the street, and I knew no one was going to do anything about it. I was 14.

Obviously that’s just one example, but how can I ever feel safe in this planet?


This is another topic, but I’ve been thinking about my inner child a lot lately. I still don’t know much about it, but I do know that the child in me was completely neglected and unprotected. I still feel it to this day. I was never comforted or made feel safe (not genuinely  at least). I feel like when you’re a kid is the only time in your life when you feel, even if it’s not realistic, 100% protected. I’ve never had that.

Now I just live in constant fear and in need of someone to comfort me. Fucking sad.

If I’m not triggered, is it really a new year?

So, I’ve seen abuser B these last two weeks. I won’t be seeing them for a couple of months. Seeing them was okay, by now I know how to handle things to keep them content. I did get triggered before, during and after seeing them, as usual, but I guess this time wasn’t as bad since I was aware of it.

I’ve felt so much these last couple of days I don’t even know what to write. Is really depressing being reminded how shattered your relationship with your family is. How I virtually have no one in my life.

It dawned on me how much one of them doesn’t love me or care about me. And the other one does love me, but they’re incapable to do it in a healthy way. It’s really sad.

While I was thinking about this, I hid in the bathroom. I was looking in the mirror (a rare thing)  while I was crying, and I had one of those (once again) rare moments where I’m able to see that I’m a young girl. That the person that endured all the abuse was a young girl.

Although, not really, because of my OSDD-1. Another facet has been fronting for many years, so I don’t feel young or like a girl, and that was how I survived. A kid would have not survived what I did.

 

I’ve been thinking about my inner child lately, or actually, it’s been manifesting itself. Coincidentally I watched a video about it yesterday, about how people who grow up without loving parents should re-parent their inner child. I know that I should do that. I have a heartbroken little kid inside of me. It’s sounds like a really hard work though, I don’t know if I could do it. I know that I should, cause otherwise I will feel dependent on the comfort of other people (like I already do).

 

I’ve also got triggered about sex abuse while I was with them, as usual. Disgusting thoughts and dreams popping up in my head. I tried not to think about it though. I still don’t want to think about it, I’ve got too much on my plate.

 

I don’t know. That’s some of what I’ve been feeling these last couple of days, after seeing abuser B. Now I’m trying to get back to work, but it’s hard.

My life is horrible. Happy new year.

Being a child

I don’t know if I’m gonna make sense, my mind is all over the place and my head hurts, and I’m regressing.

I don’t wanna feel this way but I can’t help it. It really is coming out like never before. I hope this doesn’t happen often. I was thinking that maybe I had a facet from my OSDD-1 that was a little one, but I wasn’t sure. It’s a head space that I can access when I’m feeling overwhelmed, but it’s always a conscience decision and it never feel like it was a full-formed facet. However, today it came out stronger than ever.

I have to go through a medical procedure tomorrow and I’m nervous. I was sad and overwhelmed, so I went to my head space. I do that often, but this time I connected it to things from my childhood. Specially with sadness.

I used to feel an immense sadness when I was a child. I don’t know how to explain it. And I also know that there was nothing there to comfort me.

I wanna explain more but it’s hard. And I want to let the little one speak but she’s not talking. I usually go non-verbal when I regress.

I went through so much as a little girl. I feel like part of her is gonna be trapped inside of me forever. It’s so sad. I just feel sadness.

I wish I had someone that could hold me, but I know that if I did I would probably cry for years.

I wonder if my little one holds any memories.

Who’s gonna fix all these broken peaces of me?

Now more than ever I can feel how I’m split into multiple facets. I’m clearly a system.

I hope all my parts can make it through. At least now I’m less lonely. The little one will probably go dormant again after this, and I’ll go back to the facet that usually fronts (which is not me). I feel better now though, with her here.

Steadily approaching the next breakdown

Another end of the year is approaching. It is always the worst time of the year for me. It’s the combination of summer, my birthday, having to spend time with “family” because of the “holidays”, and just the overall environment.

It started when I was young, during the end of the year we had the summer vacations, and having to spend all those weeks alone made all my symptoms more apparent. Since then, having a breakdown every December is a tradition.

Even though the one I had last year was bad, I don’t think (and hope) it will never reach the level of hell that was the summer after I graduated from high school. I could write pages and pages about what was going on with me at the time, I will some day. It’s surreal, and bizarre, and really sad. I was so young, and suffering so much because of my abuser.

 

Although I was abused in many ways, a big part of it was the brainwashing and the emotional abuse, and that’s such an important thing. Neurotypical people just don’t know shit about emotional abuse, what it encompasses, and the effects that causes. It’s insane the fact that I was being abused for so many years and I didn’t have a fucking clue.

Although the brainwashing obviously plays a big part on it. Maybe the brainwashing that I had to endure was stronger than other cases because of all the religious shit that came with it. Maybe not, maybe every single person that is abused is controlled that way. Specially when you’re a child, and that’s all you’ve ever known.

 

Anyway, back to the present. I feel panicky because of the end of the year, I’m trying really fucking hard to work but my brain only functions during 50% of my day, I have to deal with some medical stuff, and I’m going to see Abuser B in a month. We’ll be together for a week. Yay!

The last time I saw them was a couple of months ago. It triggered me so fucking much. I was barely sleeping, barely eating, feeling so much self hate and having constant fantasies of being raped. It was all I could think about.

 

That’s depressing. I think I’m gonna stop now. I don’t wanna think about rape because I’m going to bed in an hour and I won’t be able to sleep.

So my life’s shit, nothing new.