Outcast

I’m so angry at everyone. Every single neurotypicial fucker in this world.

I’m so pissed of about the fact that I was put into this situation.

I was abused my whole life, and no teacher or adult around me did shit about it. And even if they wanted to help me, they probably wouldn’t had had any resources to recommend me, since the place where I live is shit.

Because I was abused my whole life, I became mentally ill to the point where I should had been hospitalized and medicated. I received none of that, because of course my abusers will never aknoledge my mental illness, but even if they did there ain’t SHIT for abuse survivors or mentally ill people here.

I had to drop out of college in my second year because of how suicidal I was. I still haven’t been able to be functional enough to go back.

Now that I’m in my early twenties, I have to have a job and make money to survive, except I can barely do shit like eating and taking a shower. The therapists that I’ve gone to were a fucking disaster. There isn’t a single support group for basic shit like depression or anxiety where I live.

Professionals don’t know what ADHD is, and there’s only one med that treats it that is not illegal here.

I’m not trying to throw people under the bus, or to make them feel guilty, but it just makes me sad the fact that in some places, mental health resources exists.

What the fuck am I suppoused to do???

All these years, while I’ve been recovering ON MY OWN, I’ve heard people from other countries saying “reach out! that’s the best thing you can do!”.

Well, what if there’s nothing there?

That’s how things are where I live. Even if you survive the abuse, you might die when you reach adulthood because you have no resources to recover.

Maybe surviving the abuse wasn’t enough. Maybe I’ll end up dead anyway.

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Death

I feel useless because of my ADHD. I hope I don’t die.

I hope I’ll be able to work, so I don’t end up dead. It feels like my life is worthless.

I guess we aren’t really aware of how dangerous it is to be completely isolated, until we are.

The only thing that makes me happy is knowing that, even if I die, at least I was able to tell the world that it was my abusers’ fault.

They were the ones who gave me my life, I guess they might be the ones who will take it away from me.

I hope I don’t die. I don’t want to.

Their only goal was to kill me

I have one year and a half to make enough money to maintain myself and move out. Right now I barely make enough money to buy food.

That’s how long my abuser will help me financially. Which would be fine, in any other circumstances, since I’m in my twenties. Except I’m mentally ill, an abuse survivor, and I’m functional only 60% of the year. I can’t get treatment. I had to drop out of college. I wouldn’t be able to find a job, outside of the online job I have right now (that I’ve created myself).

Have a child, abuse them their whole childhood, and then kick them out once they are in their twenties, right? Regardless if they are a functional human being or not.

That’s the situation my abuser created for me. That’s them, pushing me once again to kill myself. That’s them trying to kill me.

That’s all they’ve ever wanted. To destroy me. That’s what they’ve been trying to do since I was born.

 

How am I going to survive this? When will I stop fearing for my life? How much of my life are they going to destroy?

 

Why did I have to go through this? Why did my life have to be horrible? Why did I have to be born in a family that only had me to abuse me?

I’m so tired of fighting for my survival.