A visible disability

I’m disabled. I’ve been mentally ill for more than ten years. I had to drop out of collage. I can barely work, or talk to people, or function.

I’m clearly disabled but I’m seeing this now, for the first time. It wasn’t my fault, it’s not my fault I can’t function like a “normal” person.

It’s not my fault. I’m doing what I can.

I need treatment, and medication, and support. I need my abusive family to understand that I’m mentally ill, that I’m not doing it on purpose.

 

I mean, how cruel is that? When I was loosing my mind as a child, not only they didn’t offer me help, but they blamed me.

They said I was abusing them.

 

I’m gonna try to talk to them, and make them understand that I’m ill and that I’m doing what I can. I don’t want to do it, cause I know it’s going to be a fucking nightmare, but I have to. I can’t work, I don’t have any money.

I hope they listen.

 

 

My brain doesn’t work.

I live in a constant dissociative state where my brain just wants to disconnect. I have a permanent urge to just sit down and stare at the wall for hours.

I can barely function. I’m lucky that in my current circumstances I’m able to work from my room with my computer, and I have a simple life, but I can only do a couple of things per day. My brain doesn’t work, and I just feel exhausted.

The only way I can do things is if I put on a podcast, so I my mind focuses on that while my body does things automatically, like washing the dishes or something.

Honestly, if I lived in a country (if it exists) where mental health was taken seriously I would have to be on disability, 100%. But that’s not a thing where I live.

Plus, if I did my family would know that I’m mentally ill. Which would drive them (more) insane. “How could I be so fucking stupid, selfish, spoiled, and crazy??”, they would think.

So I’m an ill person who can barely function, but I have to pretend that I’m not, and somehow find a way to work and make money to survive. Yay.

And the fucked up thing is that there must be so many people who are in the same position, and no one fucking knows. I bet their friends or neighbors think that they are just regular people with normal lives. It’s sickening.

The truth is that there are abused people and children trying to survive all over the world, in families or houses that seem “perfectly normal”.