Going nowhere, but at least I’m moving

I’m doing therapy, and it’s kinda good but not quite what I need.

She gets that my family is fucked up and that I had a shitty childhood, but I feel like she doesn’t fully grasp how abusive they are and how much that affected me. It sucks.

I mean, that was the whole reason I want to go to therapy, so I can talk about all the shit I’ve been through and get it off my chest. I feel like I won’t fully recover till I do that.

But yeah, I don’t know. It’s better than nothing, and getting a different therapy would be really difficult.

I’m also trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD, I already called a professional to set an appointment. Just getting the diagnosis is expensive as fuck (and I fucking hope I get it), so I probably won’t be able to afford treatment any time soon.
I just want to get the diagnosis for now, so I can show my abusers I’m actually mentally ill and not a lazy piece of shit. I hope I get it.

I’ve been trying to work and do stuff. The depression is kinda gone, but I’m still anxious and obviously ADHD. Just existing and living is so hard for me. It feels like I wasn’t made for life. It’s because of the abuse, I’m sure, at least most of it.

I’m trying to meet people. I’m just trying to… get by I guess.

Hope things work out.

Advertisements

Mental block

Some thoughts I wrote down cause my mind is blocked.


It’s so frustrating living a life where you can’t control your brain. I wish I could just be, and do the things I want. It’s depressing.
I’m tired and I’m sad, I wish I had someone to hold me. Living a life you hate is so exhausting.

I feel like shit but I don’t really know what I feel, cause my brain is blocking it. That usually happens when I feel shame about my feelings. I need to understand that I have the right to feel whatever the fuck I want.

 

I wish I had people around me. It’s so hard doing this on my own. I need support and help.

Some days I can’t do it on my own.

Too tired and abused to feel anything

I’ve been dissociating all week. I felt nothing, and thought about nothing. My head is blocked again.

I was completely unable to work. It’s been two months since I was last functioning.

I’ve been reaching out to people cause that’s what ~healthy people do!~ but I just end up exhausted. I regret one every two sentences I say, and it makes me want to rip off my skin.

I feel so fucking abnormal. I’ve been alive for two decades yet I can’t have a fucking conversation like a normal person.

They did this to me. They made me into this.

I’m still being abused. These pieces of shit look at me and just see a lazy stupid fuck that they can use for whatever they want.

I just want to be loved. I’m so tired of suffering.  I can’t believe I’m still alive.

My facets

This is embarrassing but I had to get it off my chest.

Host: M, girl, real age. Straight.
Doesn’t really front, ever. Don’t know much about her. The facets probably showed up when she was young to protect her, so she’s not really aware of the trauma, although she might hold some memories from when I was really young. Can’t front since my life is too overwhelming for any human being. Also, I’m afraid she would be too confrontational with my abusers. Really connected to the body (the few times she’s fronted).

Protector: L. gender less, no age although it feels like they’re a bit younger than the Host. Bisexual.
The one that has been fronting for years. Lots of dissociation, has really bad memory,  has a “just survive and keep going” modus operandi. Although they’ve been fronting for years, I hate feeling genderless. It feels more like a robot, instead of a person.
Probably showed up to protect the host when she was little. Totally disconnected from the body.

Another facet: A, masculine, around the age of the protector. Bisexual.
Don’t know much about him, never fronts. Gender dysphoria issues when he’s around. Doesn’t really hold any memories. Feels okay about my abusers, since he doesn’t see the abuse.

Little facet. Girl. Around 5 maybe? But with the body of an adult. Non-verbal.
Been around for a while, but I wasn’t sure if she was really a facet or just a part of my personality, until she co-fronted one day when I got triggered. Dormant pretty much all of the time.

 

I hate having facets cause I would love to feel like a normal girl my age, but I don’t think the host could live my life.

Writing this so I don’t forget

Even though my memory has always been blurry, I always tell myself “Well, it’s not like I’ve completely forgotten things.”

That’s a lie. I had hallucinations when I was 15, and I had forgotten completely about it. I only remembered it cause years afterwards I read it on my diary.

I have forgotten things. There might be some other shit that my brain is hiding from me.