A robot

I know that I’ve talked about dissociation a million times in this blog but it’s so present on my everyday life so I can’t help it. It’s the only “coping” mechanism that I have really, since I don’t consume anything, I don’t (actively) self harm, I have no one to talk to, and I can’t express my feelings through art or anything creative. So my brain shuts down all the time. That’s the only thing I know.

It started super young, obviously, I remember being like 4 years old and noticing how much I would daydream on a daily basis. Only a couple of years ago I discovered that there’s a name for it: Maladaptive Daydreaming. That’s a HUGE part of my life, but I’ll talk about it some other time.

My dissociation includes amnesia, derealization and depersonalization which is super common, but it also manifest itself in a different way that I haven’t found many people that talk about it. It’s hard to explain but my brain just shuts down completely and I can’t do anything.

If I have to do something, I feel like I’d rather DIE than get up and do it, and sometimes that included eating. I feel exhausted to a whole new level, but a the same time I can’t sleep because falling asleep requires concentration, and my brain is just stuck in screensaver.

It’s visceral. I remember a couple of months ago I was going to see one of my abusers and on my way there, while I was walking, I was shutting down so hard I felt like I had to lie down on the street and sleep.

It’s so embarrassing knowing that I have to do lots of things, but I just sit on my computer watching videos or stuff. It’s the only form of human “interaction” that I have, so it’s comforting. I know that sounds pathetic but it’s the truth.

Even when there’s stuff that I want to do, it’s horrible seeing how I just get distracted and disconnect from everything, things start piling up and nothing gets done. It makes me feel so ashamed. I know that I shouldn’t, it’s not my fault, and there are so many people dealing with the same shit. It sucks that we always blame ourselves, in most cases because of the brainwashing caused by past/present abuse.

Honestly being free of dissociation would be amazing, I can’t even imagine. Being fully present and in control of my actions. Of course that’s not gonna happen while I still live here. The only way I can keep it together while I’m in this house is if I dissociate the way that I do.

I hope I’ll get to feel alive some day. I would be beautiful.

Can the owner of this body come pick it up?

I have to do a task or I might loose my only “stable” job. As always, my mental illness makes everything really hard, so I’m stressed out. I guess I’ll be fine. Hopefully.

Another frustrating thing is that I had to look at myself through my webcam for several hours today, and surprise! That’s triggering.

I don’t know, for many years I thought “Oh well, I’m insecure, a lot of girls are” but the reality is that my discomfort with my body has many layers. It’s not just insecurity.

For starters I don’t know what I look like, for several reasons. One is that I practically never look at myself in the mirror. I remember when I watched, after many years of filming it, a video of me when I was 15. I was shocked, it was like looking at someone for the first time. It wasn’t bad, I thought I looked cute. I was sad that at the time I wasn’t able to see it.

The other reason is my OSDD-1. I’ll probably talk about that more in the future, but basically is a dissociation disorder (“Another disorder?” the crowd gasps in disbelief. Yes!).

I can only explain it as a mild form of Dissociative  Identity Disorder. The person doesn’t have completely formed alters (incorrectly called “personalities”) or long periods of amnesia. Instead, they have what some people call facets, or less defined versions of alters, and no amnesia. This is caused by trauma at a really young age.

Basically, I’m kinda divided in three parts. There are two parts of me that aren’t me, and there’s also the “real” me. And those two other parts aren’t females. So… you guessed it! Gender dysphoria ensues.

I know it sounds incredibly bizarre, but that’s all I’ve ever known so I’m used to it. And when you grow up being abused by your family,  the standards of what “normal” is don’t really apply to anything.

Pretty much all of the time my facets are fronting (OSDD / DID terms) so they don’t really identify with my body.

And when I do think of my body, it is mostly about how much I want to hurt myself.

Clearly I don’t have an ideal relationship with my body. And then when I’m forced to look at myself, it is a really uncomfortable experience.

So, after having to do that for several hour today… Borderline Personality Disorder is knocking on the door. I started thinking about how horrible I look, how no one in this earth will ever fall in love with me, and how much I want to fucking die.

I managed to talk myself out of that spiral of thoughts, but I still fell quite shitty. Being mentally ill sounds super fun, right?

My brain doesn’t work.

I live in a constant dissociative state where my brain just wants to disconnect. I have a permanent urge to just sit down and stare at the wall for hours.

I can barely function. I’m lucky that in my current circumstances I’m able to work from my room with my computer, and I have a simple life, but I can only do a couple of things per day. My brain doesn’t work, and I just feel exhausted.

The only way I can do things is if I put on a podcast, so I my mind focuses on that while my body does things automatically, like washing the dishes or something.

Honestly, if I lived in a country (if it exists) where mental health was taken seriously I would have to be on disability, 100%. But that’s not a thing where I live.

Plus, if I did my family would know that I’m mentally ill. Which would drive them (more) insane. “How could I be so fucking stupid, selfish, spoiled, and crazy??”, they would think.

So I’m an ill person who can barely function, but I have to pretend that I’m not, and somehow find a way to work and make money to survive. Yay.

And the fucked up thing is that there must be so many people who are in the same position, and no one fucking knows. I bet their friends or neighbors think that they are just regular people with normal lives. It’s sickening.

The truth is that there are abused people and children trying to survive all over the world, in families or houses that seem “perfectly normal”.