This is what they’ve done to me

I need to write this so I can get it off my chest.

It’s so hard for me to just imagine having sex. I’m in my twenties and still just masturbating is a fucking struggle. I  get triggered every time.

It’s better than before, now at least I can imagine someone wanting to have sex with me, but I still feel like I’m being a spoiled brat, using someone for my own benefit (that’s how they see me). But it’s actually the opposite, my mind always tends to think that the other persons would just fuck me to get off, like a sex toy. Just using my body, because no one could really want me.

I was imagining having actual sex with someone, where both of us want to fuck each other, and I realized that’s what’s sex is. If it’s not like that, then it’s rape. And there are people in this fucking world who would find me attractive, and who would actually want to have sex with me.

It’s hard for me to accept my body. Or just have a body, or remembering that I have one. I was thinking this has always been the case, since I was a child, and obviously that was thanks to my family.

I remembered when I was 13 or 14, and we were having dinner with my whole family, and some friends of them. They decided to start talking about my appearance (that’s the only thing they would talk about me) and saying, once again, how I should change my hair, change that, pay more attention to my appearance. One of them said I looked “horrible”, and then asked “Don’t you want to attract the opposite sex?”.

What kind of fucked up question is that? Of course everyone agreed. They also starting criticizing how “shy” I was, and how I would never talk. One of their friends, who was clearly uncomfortable with the situation, tried to make it better saying “Oh, well I’m sure that when she does have something to say, it’s brilliant!”. My abuser shook their head, with a face that said “Trust me, no.”

They did that. Those people who say they love me did that to me.

I can’t even look at my body. For most of my life I didn’t even feel it. I was like a fucking cloud. I didn’t feel like I was a girl, I didn’t feel like I had a gender. I didn’t feel like I was a person.

This is the fucking proof of what they did to me. This fucking blog, this fucking post. Just so my brain doesn’t try to delete it and forget everything that ever happened to me, like it usually does.

I was a fucking child. They were supposed to tell me “Hey, are boys being nice to you? Do you feel comfortable in your own skin? Remember you’re beautiful and that I’ll protect you.” I was a 13 year old girl. But they were telling me “Your body doesn’t belong to you. Make sure you’re pretty to boys, that’s your only fucking use and you’re failing at it.”

Fuck all of them.

I hope one day someone sees the pain I’ve been through. And they deserve to fucking die. They don’t deserve to see my fucking face ever again.

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Abuse touches everything

It’s so frustrating not knowing how to live, how to be a person. Like, yeah, I was able to acknowledge  my abuse and my past, I’m trying to move forward and do stuff. And I am, but it’s like starting from fucking zero, except I’m in my twenties.

Honestly, all I want in life is to have a career that I like, use part of my time to do mental health activism, and have my own family. Husband and kids. That’s all I think about.

And I just feel… corny. Not that wanting a family is a bad thing, but I feel like I want it for the wrong reasons. I want it to fill that need in me. I don’t know, maybe it’s the same for everyone.

It’s just that is so fucking ANNOYING that after you’ve been abused and you’ve had a fucked up childhood, you know you’re mentally ill and you probably have fucked up beliefs and faulty behaviors that you need to fix. All the time, everything I do, I have to think “Am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I being mature or am I fulfilling my inner child’s needs? Am I being a co-dependent? Am I being needy?”

And I’m not, pretty much always. I’m lucky enough that even though I went through so much shit, I’m actually a really decent person. I don’t ever hurt people, and I always try my hardest to be independent. But the fact that I have to constantly check myself, because of how I’m predisposed  to be an unhealthy person due to my past, is so fucking annoying.

It’s like I have to try 1000 harder than anyone else. Everyone can be a fuck up, but I have to make sure to Not Be That Person! The abuse victim that became an asshole because they were never able to develop in a healthy way.

 

I’m just fucking frustrated. And yes, I want a family. I fucking said it. I never admitted it to myself before cause I was too scared to do it.

I just want to have children, and to be happy. I don’t even know if that’s possible. Maybe I’ll fuck up,  or maybe I won’t but my kids might hate me anyway.

 

I think that I’m judging myself and my feelings to much. Whatever. You want a perfect fucking family, you want happiness. Everyone wants that, what’s wrong with that? I don’t know if I’ll do it or not, but at least allow yourself to fucking feel it. I don’t care if it’s fucking corny.

 

And you you know what’s the other thing? My brain telling me “Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck told you you can have kids? Children have shitty childhoods because people who are incompetent decide to have them. What makes you think you can do it?” Once again, because of the fucking shit that I’ve been through.

I don’t know. I don’t if I would be a prefect mom, probably not, but I will be full of compassion and love. Because I know how horrible it is to be raised in a house where there is none. And I’ll listen to my kids, and their feelings and complains.

I don’t know if that’s enough, maybe it isn’t, but that’s a whole lot compared to what average parents fucking do.