Even though my memory has always been blurry, I always tell myself “Well, it’s not like I’ve completely forgotten things.”
That’s a lie. I had hallucinations when I was 15, and I had forgotten completely about it. I only remembered it cause years afterwards I read it on my diary.
I have forgotten things. There might be some other shit that my brain is hiding from me.
It happens when I’m doing random stuff: I start to become really aware of my surroundings, the things I can see out of the corners of my eyes. Especially the shadows. For some reason my mind gets distracted by it, and then I see them move. A little bit.
On one occasion I thought my dead black cat was running towards me, but once I turned around there was nothing there. Great.
That cat in particular was super crazy, and during her last days of living she would literally jump from my roof, landing hard on the floor. You could hear the noise throughout the house, and my mom would say ‘there she goes again!’.
Eventually she died that way, she was really sick anyway.
I did a google search and apparently that type of ‘hallucinations’ is really common, although it can develop and turn into something more serious. I hope it doesn’t. I’ve been through enough shit, I don’t want to add ‘seeing dead cats following me’ to the list.
It’s sad to think how crazy I must look, like my fucking cat, looking behind my shoulders every 3 seconds. It didn’t happen much in the street, though, fortunately.
It’s just that I’m really paranoid. I’m always thinking ‘what if I have a flashback? what if something triggers me? what if I have a panic attack? what if I lose it completely?’.
I don’t know where I’m heading. I don’t know if the dreams, the feelings, the memories are real, if they mean anything. They are just small things that keep stacking up, and even though the pile grows and grows everyday I can’t know for sure if something happened to me until I have a specific memory of it.
I don’t even know what to feel. I don’t feel anything.
Everything is so surreal.
I just hope I don’t have a breakdown.