Fear 24/7

So much shit happens to me on the daily, I cant keep up with writing it all.

I feel good. I’ve been working a lot, which has helped my mood greatly. I’m still trying not to think about my past so much, so I can move a little bit forwards with my life and become independent. That’s been going great.

I still feel really unsafe in the world, which makes sense. At the end of the day, the first two decades of my life have been a fucking nightmare, so it’s only logical I’m waiting for the next catastrophe to come.

I don’t know what people do to feel safe. I couldn’t sleep tonight and I remembered the time when I was in high school (I was 14) and my best friend got beaten up by a girl. So many things were involved in that situation, all of them completely fucked up, but one was the complete lack of reaction. My family, her family, the teachers, counselors, the school principals. No one did anything. We were still attending the same class together, everyday. No disciplinary action was taken.

And I could have been the next one to get beaten up, but my family did nothing. Everyday, I went to school thinking it could happen. Someone could literally punch me till I was laying on the street, and I knew no one was going to do anything about it. I was 14.

Obviously that’s just one example, but how can I ever feel safe in this planet?


This is another topic, but I’ve been thinking about my inner child a lot lately. I still don’t know much about it, but I do know that the child in me was completely neglected and unprotected. I still feel it to this day. I was never comforted or made feel safe (not genuinely  at least). I feel like when you’re a kid is the only time in your life when you feel, even if it’s not realistic, 100% protected. I’ve never had that.

Now I just live in constant fear and in need of someone to comfort me. Fucking sad.

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If I’m not triggered, is it really a new year?

So, I’ve seen abuser B these last two weeks. I won’t be seeing them for a couple of months. Seeing them was okay, by now I know how to handle things to keep them content. I did get triggered before, during and after seeing them, as usual, but I guess this time wasn’t as bad since I was aware of it.

I’ve felt so much these last couple of days I don’t even know what to write. Is really depressing being reminded how shattered your relationship with your family is. How I virtually have no one in my life.

It dawned on me how much one of them doesn’t love me or care about me. And the other one does love me, but they’re incapable to do it in a healthy way. It’s really sad.

While I was thinking about this, I hid in the bathroom. I was looking in the mirror (a rare thing)  while I was crying, and I had one of those (once again) rare moments where I’m able to see that I’m a young girl. That the person that endured all the abuse was a young girl.

Although, not really, because of my OSDD-1. Another facet has been fronting for many years, so I don’t feel young or like a girl, and that was how I survived. A kid would have not survived what I did.

 

I’ve been thinking about my inner child lately, or actually, it’s been manifesting itself. Coincidentally I watched a video about it yesterday, about how people who grow up without loving parents should re-parent their inner child. I know that I should do that. I have a heartbroken little kid inside of me. It’s sounds like a really hard work though, I don’t know if I could do it. I know that I should, cause otherwise I will feel dependent on the comfort of other people (like I already do).

 

I’ve also got triggered about sex abuse while I was with them, as usual. Disgusting thoughts and dreams popping up in my head. I tried not to think about it though. I still don’t want to think about it, I’ve got too much on my plate.

 

I don’t know. That’s some of what I’ve been feeling these last couple of days, after seeing abuser B. Now I’m trying to get back to work, but it’s hard.

My life is horrible. Happy new year.