Rambling

One of the annoying things about being an abuse survivor is having to constantly check if you’re being “healthy” and doing “what’s best for you”.

At least for me, since I’m not receiving any treatment so I have to be my own therapist.

I know that having relationships and being around people is “the thing that helps you the most”. Every person who’s done recovery says that. I get it. It’s just that so far I was too busy surviving, I didn’t have the energy to “just go out and meet new people!”.

Or to meet people, period, since I don’t have any relationships.

 

I guess that a lot of people would feel incredibly lonely in my position. I guess I’m used to it, I’ve been alone my whole life. You can’t miss something that you don’t have.

Although it is depressing to think about it. In my twenties, and I’ve never had a meaningful relationship. And I mean with neither friends, family or boyfriend.

Not one.

I have maladaptive daydreaming, so I use it to cope. But every once in a while, I think “what if I die tomorrow? I’ve never been loved. No one ever got to know me. No one got to be happy about the fact that I was in their life.”

 


It’s in times like these one when I realize how much damage they’ve done. 20 years unloved, and I’ll never be able to fix that.

They destroyed me, completely. I should be dead. The fact that I’m alive is a miracle.

And it will never be over. It’s gonna be hard meeting people, having relationships, having partner, and kids, and everything. Everything is going to be a fucking struggle.

Why? Why me? Why did I have to go through that?


 

I know I should go out and meet people. I know that, in theory, that’s going to help me. I just don’t have the fucking energy.

I guess I’ll have to figure something out.