Because I’ve been so busy it’s hard for my brain to slow down and feel.
I’ve been okay.
I’ve been working a lot, and starting projects that I’m really excited about, so that’s great. Whenever I’m active and I feel better, I can tell how easy it is for my brain to stay positive and grounded, even without trying. It reminds me how much we actually aren’t in control of our mood and thoughts.
I’ve also been trying to not go to the other direction and end up a little manic, something that used to happen a lot. I’ve been trying to control it. It’s better than before, I guess I’ll get better with time.
The uncertainty about my future still scares me. I still feel unsafe in the world. But I guess I should try to focus on my present. That’s all I’ve got. And my present is pretty okay compared to my past: I’m working, I’m doing things that I like, I accept and love myself, and I’m fully aware of my abusers and the damage they’ve cause.
Guess is time to focus less on my past (I’ll process everything when I have the right resources and support) and focus more on myself. Become the person I want to be. That’s all we’ve got, I guess, one shot to try to be happy.
And I probably shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I’ve been abused my whole life, I still live with my abusers. I’m still processing everything, without treatment or support. I’m young and I’m figuring shit out. It’s okay if I feel unsafe, or obsess over things. It’s okay if it’s hard for me to find balance, or even to just live.
You’re doing what you can. You’re doing great. Give yourself a break.
The writing on this post is horrible but that’s the best my brain can do right now.