Recovery checklist

Throughout my life I’ve managed to:
  • survive my childhood
  • decided I wasn’t going to die, at the age of 19
  • decided I was going to start the career that I’ve always dreamed of (even though all my abusers were against it)
  • staring recovering on my own, analyzing my thoughts and doing cognitive therapy exercises (before I even know that existed)
  • learn a shit ton about mental health
  • quitting my job and deciding to start my own online business
  • realized I had ADHD
  • realized that I had (and was, and am) being abused my whole life
  • surviving adult years

 

This year I’ve managed to:

  • tell my friends a little bit about my story and my present (first time talking to people who know me irl about it)
  • write and share my story online (so I can have proof that it’s real, and I don’t die with the secret)
  • make friends online (on Discord servers), connecting to other abuse survivors
  • get the ADHD diagnosis
  • starting therapy (which is far from great, but it’s better than nothing)
  • kinda talk to my abusers about my mental health (obviously wasn’t a positive experience, but at least they can’t they they “aren’t aware of it”)
  • start a local mental health online group (which happens to be pretty unique and special group)
  • be part of a feminism online network (which helps me feel less alone, and I know I can go there for help if I think I’ll be kicked out form my abuser’s house)

 

I still need:

  • meds for the ADHD, and with that being able to have a routine
  • someone irl who I can tell my whole story, so I feel heard and I don’t have to be the only one carrying this big secret
  • a good therapist (someone who is emphatic, so I can talk about my abuse and feel heard and understood)
  • to feel better (with meds help), working, saving money, and moving out.

The gaslighting slows me down, but I’m still going

I’m in the process of getting (at least part of) the treatment that I need, so I’ve been talking to my abusers about my mental health.

It’s hell because they’re full of shit and gaslighting. They’re like “yeah, I support you”, when in reality they

  • deny the things I struggle with,
  • think I have no real problems,
  • think I’m too sensitive,
  • showed little to no empathy after me literally saying “I’ve been struggling for a really long time, I can barely do stuff, and the professionals I’ve seen think I should get treated”,  (no best wishes, offering me support or help, thanking me for sharing it with them, etc.)
  • ignored / were completely unaware of my mental illness ever since I was a kid,
  • blame me for “not saying anything”, even though I did but they shot me down time every single time,
  • think (and tell me) that getting professional help is pointless, and that the only thing that will really help me is their religion,
  • make remarks about how “sad” they are that I treat them “coldly” ever “since I was a kid” which is a blatant lie,
  • blame me for our lack of relationship, while also making me pity them cause they’re “alone and have no relationships”,
  • and obviously completely ignore and deny the fact that they have always treated me like trash.

I’m probably forgetting things.
But they support me getting treatment! Whatever’s best for me!

Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.

 


 

It’s been hard, but I’m getting there. I’m trying to get the therapy and medication I need, I’m talking to people, I’m advocating for mental health.

It’s hard, but I’m getting there.

Feeling rage in my dreams

I had a nightmare this morning. It actually hadn’t happened in a while, but morning nightmares are a common thing for me. They’re not just dreams, they’re really livid and horrible, so it’s more like a PTSD symptom because they always involve my abusers.

I was in my house with, let’s say, abuser A. I was telling them what my doctor had said about a (real) health condition I have, but thought that I was being completely stupid and a hypocrite. That I was trying to deny what the doctor had really said, and that I shouldn’t be so fucking dumb. That I should grow the fuck up and accept the truth, and stop being so pathetic. It infuriated me because I knew that what I was saying was right and made sense.

That’s when a really recurrent dream theme started unfolding: I was completely furious, and I exploded. I was screaming, punching things, doing everything I could to release my anger, but it wasn’t enough.

Then something else happened, which is also not new: I sat down in my bed and started crying, thinking how nice it would be if they came to me, to embrace me and soothe me. Obviously that didn’t happen, and I told myself “Of course. That’s the type of person who raised me. Don’t expect anything from them.”

Then the rage came back, and I recorded an audio on my phone, saying how much I actually hated them, and that I couldn’t wait till I was out of this fucking house so I could never see them again. I was being honest, for the first time I was expressing my truth to them. But I also knew that that would mean I was going to be kicked out and had to live on the streets.

I left my phone on my room and locked myself in the bathroom. They were still talking about how incredibly stupid I was. I knew that they were on the other side of the door, and I became aware of how terrified I was of them. Of how I was like a fucking animal, imprisoned and tortured by cruel humans.

I also knew that I wanted to punch them, and I was ready to do it if they broke into the bathroom. I realized the level of insanity and abuse I was living.

Then I woke up. My face was hurting a lot, I was probably locking my teeth during the dream, and the feelings always linger for some moments after I wake up.

I think I know why I had it. Yesterday I was really mad because of a similar situation. I was talking about the money I make, and of course they had to make a comment and just express how stupid I am. What they really meant is that I’m pathetic, I have no future unless I depend on them, and that they are so much better than me. I don’t talk to them really often, so whenever they have an opportunity to make themselves feel superior, they’re not gonna miss it. That’s just how their brain works.

Of course I had to just ignore it, and remind myself that it doesn’t matter what their pathetic mouth says. Whenever I feel to much rage and I can’t soothe it, thinking “I really hope they die soon” calms me down.

I wondered if the dream could come true, but I don’t think so. I would back down after arguing a little, because I learned how to repress my feeling around them, and because I don’t want to end up in the street. Also, I don’t think they would take it that far. They are cowards, after all, and they don’t really like confronting people that strongly.

I also thought about the moment in which I wanted them to come soothe me. It made me sad because that’s a reflection of my childhood. I wonder how many times, when I was a toddler even, I needed their comfort but got nothing.

I was reading about attachment a couple of days ago. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that I have attachment issues (which they always origin during the first years of someone’s life, with the child-family relationship), and that that’s probably really connected to my BPD symptoms.

Anyway. I just have to keep going, bury my rage around my abusers and hope I can make it out of this fucking house one day.