Fear 24/7

So much shit happens to me on the daily, I cant keep up with writing it all.

I feel good. I’ve been working a lot, which has helped my mood greatly. I’m still trying not to think about my past so much, so I can move a little bit forwards with my life and become independent. That’s been going great.

I still feel really unsafe in the world, which makes sense. At the end of the day, the first two decades of my life have been a fucking nightmare, so it’s only logical I’m waiting for the next catastrophe to come.

I don’t know what people do to feel safe. I couldn’t sleep tonight and I remembered the time when I was in high school (I was 14) and my best friend got beaten up by a girl. So many things were involved in that situation, all of them completely fucked up, but one was the complete lack of reaction. My family, her family, the teachers, counselors, the school principals. No one did anything. We were still attending the same class together, everyday. No disciplinary action was taken.

And I could have been the next one to get beaten up, but my family did nothing. Everyday, I went to school thinking it could happen. Someone could literally punch me till I was laying on the street, and I knew no one was going to do anything about it. I was 14.

Obviously that’s just one example, but how can I ever feel safe in this planet?

This is another topic, but I’ve been thinking about my inner child a lot lately. I still don’t know much about it, but I do know that the child in me was completely neglected and unprotected. I still feel it to this day. I was never comforted or made feel safe (not genuinely  at least). I feel like when you’re a kid is the only time in your life when you feel, even if it’s not realistic, 100% protected. I’ve never had that.

Now I just live in constant fear and in need of someone to comfort me. Fucking sad.

How do people just… live?

As usual, I just had a dream of something that I’ve been struggling for the last couple of weeks, so I’m gonna write about it.

In the dream I was at my house, it was new years eve, and I could hear some loud voices coming from the street. Later on, I turn on the TV and see that there had been a terrible shooting near my house, and that’s where the voices had come from. After seeing the clips of that, another headline came up of a girl being  kidnapped for human trafficking, and I lost it. I was shaking, and screaming “How can people just… live?? How can they leave their house?? How do they know they’re not going to be next?? I don’t want to leave my house ever again.”

And that’s the thought that I’ve been having lately. There’s a reason behind it.

We all go through our lives seeing horrible things happen to other people, but we just think “that’s not going to happen to me.” I get it. That’s the only way we can function on  an everyday basis. It’s probably a healthy thing to have that mindset. But it’s not realistic.

The thing is I’ve been there. I used to have that mentality too, but something horrible did happen to me. I  was abused. That thought of “it’s not going to happen to me” is shattered.

And I’m not saying it’s 100% a bad thing. It’s a more realistic mindset, and it makes you take actions and be more aware of things. Due to it, I do a lot of mental health activism, and I wouldn’t change that.

But it’s also terrifying, because you know that it could happen to anyone. Me, and the people that have been through traumatic situations, didn’t do anything to cause it or deserve it. That’s just another myth that people tell themselves to feel at peace.

So what now? How do I live knowing that something terrible could happen at any moment?

And how do I cope with the horrible feelings that come from being as emphatic as I am? Because when I see people go through trauma I know how they feel, and it’s so hard to shake those feelings off me. When I see in the news that another woman has been raped and  killed, I know that she was thinking “I thought this wouldn’t happen to me. I didn’t think I was next.” And it makes me want to throw up.

I don’t know that to do honestly. I guess there’re some CBT / DBT exercises that I could do, radical acceptance and all of that. I can try but honestly I don’t know if it’ll work.

I was also planning to take some martial arts/self defense classes, just to feel more protected when I’m in the streets, and also to relieve at least some of the huge amount of tension that I have in my body. I don’t think it would actually help me if someone decides to attack me, but at least I’ll feel more secure until that happens, ha.

I don’t know, I don’t know that to do about it honestly.

I guess we just have to move on. That’s the world that we live in. It’s shitty, but it’s better than before. We used to live in caves, we used to be monkeys. We’re evolving, I get it. A lot of progress has been made. I just wish that it was quicker.

Dead cat following me

It happens when I’m doing random stuff: I start to become really aware of my surroundings, the things I can see out of  the corners of my eyes. Especially the shadows. For some reason my mind gets distracted by it, and then I see them move. A little bit.

On one occasion  I thought my dead black cat was running towards me, but once I turned around there was nothing there. Great.
That cat in particular was super crazy, and during her last days of living she would literally jump from my roof, landing hard on the floor. You could hear the noise throughout the house, and my mom would say ‘there she goes again!’.
Eventually she died that way, she was really sick anyway.

I did a google search and apparently that type of ‘hallucinations’ is really common, although it can develop and turn into something more serious. I hope it doesn’t. I’ve been through enough shit, I don’t want to add ‘seeing dead cats following me’ to the list.

It’s sad to think how crazy I must look, like my fucking cat, looking behind my shoulders every 3 seconds. It didn’t happen much in the street, though, fortunately.
It’s just that I’m really paranoid. I’m always thinking ‘what if I have a flashback? what if something triggers me? what if I have a panic attack? what if I lose it completely?’.
I don’t know where I’m heading. I don’t know if the dreams, the feelings, the memories are real, if they mean anything. They are just small things that keep stacking up, and even though the pile grows and grows everyday I can’t know for sure if something happened to me until I have a specific memory of it.

I don’t even know what to feel. I don’t feel anything.
Everything is so surreal.

I just hope I don’t have a breakdown.