My life is a joke

I had to do several physical exams this week, I’ll get the results in a couple of days.

I really hope everything is fine. After going through so many years of abuse, and finally starting to recover, having a severe illness or dying would be a sick and sad joke.

It sounds really depressing but I really hope I don’t die.

And if I did, I wouldn’t just be sad for myself, but also for all the other people in this world who is being abused, and the fact that I wasn’t able to help the cause in any significant way.

I don’t know, maybe I did, in a small way. We all leave a mark after we leave, big or small.

Anyway, I don’t know. Gotta think positive, I guess.

 

But there’s a similar thought that I often have regarding this subject, which is: I don’t know if I would be able to take another trauma.

My whole life up until now has been (it sounds dramatic, but it’s the truth) just pure pain. Nothing else. And yeah, hopefully I’ll recover and move forward, and I’ll be happy at some point. But I’m not gonna be like the average person. Not like someone who hasn’t experienced trauma, at least. So if something ever happens, like my partner or one of my kids dies, I’ll be such a hard punch to take.

And I’ve already been there. I feel like people who haven’t experience trauma could take one, but for people who’ve already been through it (specially through out all of your childhood) then… I mean, there’s only so much a person can take.

I hope what I’m saying makes sense.

The good part is that at least I wouldn’t be surprised. I know how trauma feels like, and I don’t have a “that’s not going to happen to me” mindset, so I wouldn’t be shocked. I would just think “Of course. Of course this is happening to me.”

Sadly, some of us know what it feels like when you’re full of terror, and things are so surreal they don’t seem real.

I don’t know. It sounds like I’m whining, but the honest truth is that in my short life I’ve already been through so much pain, I just want it to stop once and for all.

I need someone to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay, but I don’t have anyone.

Abuse has no end

Another physical symptom showed up, it’s the 4th one. They’re not related but it’s so frustrating , especially for someone like me who doesn’t get sick often.

I don’t know if I’m getting all of these symptoms because of stress, I guess that must be a factor. Either way, I’m so fucking annoyed. Even more now, with the new symptom, cause it’s an embarrassing one. I hate my life.

 

Having to deal with my physical health is not fun, but my abusers make everything worse, as usual. That’s what those fuckers do best.

 

I was brainwashed by abuser A my whole life. I won’t go too much into it, my mind gets fuzzy and shuts down when I think about it, so I don’t have the energy to do that right now.

Basically I was brainwashed through their religion, philosophical views or whatever you wanna call it. It was full of bullshit, it would take me forever to list all of it, but one of the main beliefs that was installed in my brain was “everything is your fault.”

They believe that you “attract everything that happens to you”, but of course that only applies for bad things. Therefore, when something bad happens it’s your fault. Plain and simple. Your soul was being “immature”, your “inner child was acting up”, and that’s why you ended up in a bad situation. Even if you had nothing to do with it.

Because this is a philosophical way used to explain everything in this universe, it also applies to things that you literally have no control over, so that includes your physical health.

 

I seriously can not put into words how much brainwashing was done to me. Luckily, during these last couple of years I was able to start the process of getting rid of all of that shit, but some of it still lingers.

So, now when I’m having all of these symptoms, I get triggered and a voice in the back of my head is saying “you’re doing this. It’s your fault. You’re being immature, you should grow up.”

And of course, in that discourse what “growing up and acting like a proper adult” really means is doing everything that they say. Being a fucking slave of their abuse, basically.

 

I know that it is bullshit, and I’m trying to not pay attention to it, but it’s hard. When you’ve been brainwashed for so many years, it’s really hard not slipping back into that mindset.

And it’s so fucking frustrating because I’ve got a lot of shit to deal with, and on top of that I have to deal with their bullshit stuck in my brain. It’s like no matter what, they’ll always make everything worse. They’re always there, to ensure they’re breaking me down, and that I’m suffering.

It’s seriously so frustrating. I want to write more about that but like I said, when  I get overwhelmed by emotions my brain shuts down and I start feeling sleepy.

 

That’s what my entire life has been so far. Having to put up with their shit, trying to survive. I hate them so much. I want to cry.

 

But all of this is not just in my head. They’ve already said that I should “think” about “what is going on with me” and “why am I having all these symptoms.”

The most hilarious thing is that they actually said: “clearly your mind is acting up, since you have a nice life, and there’s no reason for you to have all of this somatization.”

Except it’s not funny at all.

 


I was rereading the text to correct it, and it’s the first time I make so many mistakes in a post. Even when I went to add the tags, I had forgotten what I wrote about, even though I had finished the post a minute ago.
It’s really visible how I shut down and my brain stops working properly when I feel overwhelmed.

Sick mind in a sick body

I’m dealing with some physical health problems. They’re not serious, for now, but they could be in the future. I’m sure that one cause is the non-stop stress that I’ve been experiencing for (literally) years. And also the fact that I didn’t have the energy to take care of my body.

I’m sure that when I go to the doctor next week they’re gonna ask me why didn’t I take care of my symptoms sooner, but I’m not going to tell them “I was busy trying my hardest to stay stable and not kill myself, because I’ve been abused my whole life.” I would love to, but it wouldn’t go down well. Neurotypicals can’t take that kind of shit. (Apart from the fact that I’m not planning on talking about my abuse with anyone anytime soon because I’m scared of my abusers 🙂 )

Also, I really hope I don’t have to go through a lot of procedures because it would be exhausting. I remember having the realization, some time ago, that there must be a lot of people who’re dealing with severe physical conditions, who are also abuse survivors. I imagine they  think “really? how much bad luck can I have?” when they get their diagnosis. And when everyone around them comforts them, and express how sad they are, I imagine they also think “this is nothing compared with the hell that I went through. You don’t know shit.” They might even be happy that they get to spend time on the hospital instead of their homes, or maybe they feel relieved with the possibility of death.

Because that’s the thing: abuse victims are everywhere, and anyone can be one. That’s the world that we live in, but people don’t know that.

 

I’m so sorry to everyone who has to go through that.

Anyway, I don’t know. I just hope all of this passes soon.