Outcast

I’m so angry at everyone. Every single neurotypicial fucker in this world.

I’m so pissed of about the fact that I was put into this situation.

I was abused my whole life, and no teacher or adult around me did shit about it. And even if they wanted to help me, they probably wouldn’t had had any resources to recommend me, since the place where I live is shit.

Because I was abused my whole life, I became mentally ill to the point where I should had been hospitalized and medicated. I received none of that, because of course my abusers will never aknoledge my mental illness, but even if they did there ain’t SHIT for abuse survivors or mentally ill people here.

I had to drop out of college in my second year because of how suicidal I was. I still haven’t been able to be functional enough to go back.

Now that I’m in my early twenties, I have to have a job and make money to survive, except I can barely do shit like eating and taking a shower. The therapists that I’ve gone to were a fucking disaster. There isn’t a single support group for basic shit like depression or anxiety where I live.

Professionals don’t know what ADHD is, and there’s only one med that treats it that is not illegal here.

I’m not trying to throw people under the bus, or to make them feel guilty, but it just makes me sad the fact that in some places, mental health resources exists.

What the fuck am I suppoused to do???

All these years, while I’ve been recovering ON MY OWN, I’ve heard people from other countries saying “reach out! that’s the best thing you can do!”.

Well, what if there’s nothing there?

That’s how things are where I live. Even if you survive the abuse, you might die when you reach adulthood because you have no resources to recover.

Maybe surviving the abuse wasn’t enough. Maybe I’ll end up dead anyway.

Fear 24/7

So much shit happens to me on the daily, I cant keep up with writing it all.

I feel good. I’ve been working a lot, which has helped my mood greatly. I’m still trying not to think about my past so much, so I can move a little bit forwards with my life and become independent. That’s been going great.

I still feel really unsafe in the world, which makes sense. At the end of the day, the first two decades of my life have been a fucking nightmare, so it’s only logical I’m waiting for the next catastrophe to come.

I don’t know what people do to feel safe. I couldn’t sleep tonight and I remembered the time when I was in high school (I was 14) and my best friend got beaten up by a girl. So many things were involved in that situation, all of them completely fucked up, but one was the complete lack of reaction. My family, her family, the teachers, counselors, the school principals. No one did anything. We were still attending the same class together, everyday. No disciplinary action was taken.

And I could have been the next one to get beaten up, but my family did nothing. Everyday, I went to school thinking it could happen. Someone could literally punch me till I was laying on the street, and I knew no one was going to do anything about it. I was 14.

Obviously that’s just one example, but how can I ever feel safe in this planet?


This is another topic, but I’ve been thinking about my inner child a lot lately. I still don’t know much about it, but I do know that the child in me was completely neglected and unprotected. I still feel it to this day. I was never comforted or made feel safe (not genuinely  at least). I feel like when you’re a kid is the only time in your life when you feel, even if it’s not realistic, 100% protected. I’ve never had that.

Now I just live in constant fear and in need of someone to comfort me. Fucking sad.

No emergency exit

Okay. I’m going through a couple of days of a mini manic episode so my mind is all over the place. I’ll try to write this so I can get it off my head.

 

I’ve always dreamed of the idea of moving to a different country, living in a place where no one knows who I am, away from my family, a fresh start. I don’t mean like “disappear without telling anyone”, but just moving.

My goal was always to go to a country in the same continent. However, a year ago I came across a different country I had never contemplated before. It’s in the opposite side of the planet, a completely different culture. Sure, it has good things as well as bad things, but at least they’re new. It would be the ultimate “fresh start”.

It’s not like I had a plan, I didn’t even admit it to myself, but just having that thought in the back of my mind brought me so much peace. A new hope for my future, like I’d never had before.

Last week I decided that maybe I should actually look into it, and started reading about it. Then I came across a video of a girl explaining how she had just gotten her visa, and my hurt sank. It’s not like I thought getting a visa took 5 minutes, but I just had the realization that this is for neurotypicals only. Having a stable and important job, a degree, a career, a good relationship with your family, a good reason to move to that country. I will never have those things that you need to have in order to get a visa.

This is a neurotypical world built for neurotypicals only.


This is one part of the whole thing. The other thing that really triggered me is sexism.

Both mine and that culture are sexist, just like any other culture in this planet. That’s obvious.

However, sexism manifest itself differently in every case. And although that culture is much more conservative, and I’m sure sexism is well integrated into that, there are also some other things there that don’t exist here. Like men respecting and treating women nicely, or finding a girl beautiful regardless of her tits size, or boys talking about how they genuinely want to get married and have kids when they’re a couple of years older.

I had never seen that before. Ever, in my life.

And considering how fucking traumatized I am, and how hard it is for me to just be around men, the idea of living in a place where men are less scary sounded like a fucking dream.

Guess is not going to happen though.

If I’m not triggered, is it really a new year?

So, I’ve seen abuser B these last two weeks. I won’t be seeing them for a couple of months. Seeing them was okay, by now I know how to handle things to keep them content. I did get triggered before, during and after seeing them, as usual, but I guess this time wasn’t as bad since I was aware of it.

I’ve felt so much these last couple of days I don’t even know what to write. Is really depressing being reminded how shattered your relationship with your family is. How I virtually have no one in my life.

It dawned on me how much one of them doesn’t love me or care about me. And the other one does love me, but they’re incapable to do it in a healthy way. It’s really sad.

While I was thinking about this, I hid in the bathroom. I was looking in the mirror (a rare thing)  while I was crying, and I had one of those (once again) rare moments where I’m able to see that I’m a young girl. That the person that endured all the abuse was a young girl.

Although, not really, because of my OSDD-1. Another facet has been fronting for many years, so I don’t feel young or like a girl, and that was how I survived. A kid would have not survived what I did.

 

I’ve been thinking about my inner child lately, or actually, it’s been manifesting itself. Coincidentally I watched a video about it yesterday, about how people who grow up without loving parents should re-parent their inner child. I know that I should do that. I have a heartbroken little kid inside of me. It’s sounds like a really hard work though, I don’t know if I could do it. I know that I should, cause otherwise I will feel dependent on the comfort of other people (like I already do).

 

I’ve also got triggered about sex abuse while I was with them, as usual. Disgusting thoughts and dreams popping up in my head. I tried not to think about it though. I still don’t want to think about it, I’ve got too much on my plate.

 

I don’t know. That’s some of what I’ve been feeling these last couple of days, after seeing abuser B. Now I’m trying to get back to work, but it’s hard.

My life is horrible. Happy new year.