Trying to escape the cage

So. Haven’t been here in a while. I guess it’s been a “positive” time, some good things happened.

Year recap:

  • I’ve connected to local groups of activist, which is good cause I could ask them for help if hit rock bottom or I’m kicked out. It’s also nice to see other people concerned about the same things I am.
  • I told my friends (very briefly) about my mental health state and my past with abuse. They didn’t say much, as usual, that’s why I’m not really talking to them anymore, but at least some people irl know the truth.
  • I briefly “notified” my abusers about my mental illness. Took hard work for them to acknowledge it. Not much happened though, as time went by they started acting again like I’m completely normal. They don’t give a shit.
  • I started therapy. It was okay, much better than my previous therapists (although they were terrible to me, so that’s not hard to top). It was good to tell at least part of my story to someone, and she did validate it, but we didn’t really got into it. It was pretty pointless. I stopped going.
  • I got my diagnosis for my ADHD, and started meds. Fucking. Miracle. I’ve been mentally ill for ten years, and I can finally take some medication for it. It’s been working pretty good.
  • Since my diagnosis I’ve been working really hard in paying attention to my symptoms and applying strategies to make me semi-function. It’s been going well, but it’s a lot of work. Of couse my ADHD is just part of the problem, so it’s just gonna alleviate some of my problems. I’m trying to find a CBT therapist that knows about ADHD but it’s stressful and exhausting. Professionals can be so terrible, I hate starting a new treatment.
  • And that’s it, I think. Those are the good things.

The bad shit:

  • My abusers still hate me for no fucking reason and live in a made-up reality where I’m a monster and I use them. Because of reasons.
  • I’m still making practically no money.
  • Managing my health takes so much time and I honestly don’t know when I’ll be able to make enough money to move out.

 

It’s a fucking trap. All I can do is put a lot of effort in my recovery and treatment, that way I have proof that I’m mentally ill and I’m not just staying here cause I like ruining their existence, as they like to believe. Of course they’ll still not give a shit, but at least if they kick me out it’s gonna be clear that it’s because they hate me.

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Recovery checklist

Throughout my life I’ve┬ámanaged to:
  • survive my childhood
  • decided I wasn’t going to die, at the age of 19
  • decided I was going to start the career that I’ve always dreamed of (even though all my abusers were against it)
  • staring recovering on my own, analyzing my thoughts and doing┬ácognitive therapy exercises (before I even know that existed)
  • learn a shit ton about mental health
  • quitting my job and deciding to start my own online business
  • realized I had ADHD
  • realized that I had (and was, and am) being abused my whole life
  • surviving adult years

 

This year I’ve managed to:

  • tell my friends a little bit about my story and my present (first time talking to people who know me irl about it)
  • write and share my story online (so I can have proof that it’s real, and I don’t die with the secret)
  • make friends online (on Discord servers), connecting to other abuse survivors
  • get the ADHD diagnosis
  • starting therapy (which is far from great, but it’s better than nothing)
  • kinda talk to my abusers about my mental health (obviously wasn’t a positive experience, but at least they can’t they they “aren’t aware of it”)
  • start a local mental health online group (which happens to be pretty unique and special group)
  • be part of a feminism online network (which helps me feel less alone, and I know I can go there for help if I think I’ll be kicked out form my abuser’s house)

 

I still need:

  • meds for the ADHD, and with that being able to have a routine
  • someone irl who I can tell my whole story, so I feel heard and I don’t have to be the only one carrying this big secret
  • a good therapist (someone who is emphatic, so I can talk about my abuse and feel heard and understood)
  • to feel better (with meds help), working, saving money, and moving out.