Rambling

One of the annoying things about being an abuse survivor is having to constantly check if you’re being “healthy” and doing “what’s best for you”.

At least for me, since I’m not receiving any treatment so I have to be my own therapist.

I know that having relationships and being around people is “the thing that helps you the most”. Every person who’s done recovery says that. I get it. It’s just that so far I was too busy surviving, I didn’t have the energy to “just go out and meet new people!”.

Or to meet people, period, since I don’t have any relationships.

 

I guess that a lot of people would feel incredibly lonely in my position. I guess I’m used to it, I’ve been alone my whole life. You can’t miss something that you don’t have.

Although it is depressing to think about it. In my twenties, and I’ve never had a meaningful relationship. And I mean with neither friends, family or boyfriend.

Not one.

I have maladaptive daydreaming, so I use it to cope. But every once in a while, I think “what if I die tomorrow? I’ve never been loved. No one ever got to know me. No one got to be happy about the fact that I was in their life.”

 


It’s in times like these one when I realize how much damage they’ve done. 20 years unloved, and I’ll never be able to fix that.

They destroyed me, completely. I should be dead. The fact that I’m alive is a miracle.

And it will never be over. It’s gonna be hard meeting people, having relationships, having partner, and kids, and everything. Everything is going to be a fucking struggle.

Why? Why me? Why did I have to go through that?


 

I know I should go out and meet people. I know that, in theory, that’s going to help me. I just don’t have the fucking energy.

I guess I’ll have to figure something out.

Advertisements

Abuse touches everything

It’s so frustrating not knowing how to live, how to be a person. Like, yeah, I was able to acknowledge  my abuse and my past, I’m trying to move forward and do stuff. And I am, but it’s like starting from fucking zero, except I’m in my twenties.

Honestly, all I want in life is to have a career that I like, use part of my time to do mental health activism, and have my own family. Husband and kids. That’s all I think about.

And I just feel… corny. Not that wanting a family is a bad thing, but I feel like I want it for the wrong reasons. I want it to fill that need in me. I don’t know, maybe it’s the same for everyone.

It’s just that is so fucking ANNOYING that after you’ve been abused and you’ve had a fucked up childhood, you know you’re mentally ill and you probably have fucked up beliefs and faulty behaviors that you need to fix. All the time, everything I do, I have to think “Am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I being mature or am I fulfilling my inner child’s needs? Am I being a co-dependent? Am I being needy?”

And I’m not, pretty much always. I’m lucky enough that even though I went through so much shit, I’m actually a really decent person. I don’t ever hurt people, and I always try my hardest to be independent. But the fact that I have to constantly check myself, because of how I’m predisposed  to be an unhealthy person due to my past, is so fucking annoying.

It’s like I have to try 1000 harder than anyone else. Everyone can be a fuck up, but I have to make sure to Not Be That Person! The abuse victim that became an asshole because they were never able to develop in a healthy way.

 

I’m just fucking frustrated. And yes, I want a family. I fucking said it. I never admitted it to myself before cause I was too scared to do it.

I just want to have children, and to be happy. I don’t even know if that’s possible. Maybe I’ll fuck up,  or maybe I won’t but my kids might hate me anyway.

 

I think that I’m judging myself and my feelings to much. Whatever. You want a perfect fucking family, you want happiness. Everyone wants that, what’s wrong with that? I don’t know if I’ll do it or not, but at least allow yourself to fucking feel it. I don’t care if it’s fucking corny.

 

And you you know what’s the other thing? My brain telling me “Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck told you you can have kids? Children have shitty childhoods because people who are incompetent decide to have them. What makes you think you can do it?” Once again, because of the fucking shit that I’ve been through.

I don’t know. I don’t if I would be a prefect mom, probably not, but I will be full of compassion and love. Because I know how horrible it is to be raised in a house where there is none. And I’ll listen to my kids, and their feelings and complains.

I don’t know if that’s enough, maybe it isn’t, but that’s a whole lot compared to what average parents fucking do.

 

Relationships: 404 not found

Since I’ve decided to stay more active and not think too much I’ve been feeling better, but this week I had some down time due to my physical health and that wasn’t good for my brain.

I’ve been thinking about something that’s really sad. I kinda feel like it’s “stupid” or “small” and I shouldn’t pay attention to it, but it’s something that can happen in the future, and it’s gonna make me feel like shit, so I won’t downplay it.

Basically I’ve been thinking about how hard it’s going to be for me to open up to someone. If someone happens to like me back at some point in my life, they’re gonna want to know about me and my life.

How the fuck do I tell them that I’ve been mentally ill for a decade? That I’ve been low functioning for the last 5, that I hate my family, that I’ve never had sex, and that sex triggers a shit ton? That I barely have any friends, that it takes suck a big effort for me to maintain a routine, and shower, and eat? That’s is going to be so hard for me to be in a relationship because of my trauma and my BPD? That’s everything is going to trigger me, and that at least half of the time I’m going to be completely unable to interact with them? How do I tell them that I can barely work, that I had to drop out from university? That because of my trauma I can barely remember anything that’s in my past?

It’s going to be so hard for me to hard sex, meet their families, be with their friends, be open with them, solve conflicts. Just fucking impossible.

If I ever am in a relationship it would have to be a really serious one, where the other person really cares about me and loves me, and wants to help me and see me happy. But when am I going to meet someone like that? I don’t think that is impossible, but it will take years. I’m getting old already, I’m the beginning of my twenties. How old will I be when I have my first relationship? 26? 28? 30?

I know that there are people who have been single for a longer time, but I can’t help to feel like that’s depressing.

And it is. It fucking is. I’ve been completely alone my whole life, I really need someone that loves me, but that’s probably not going to happen for at least a couple of years. I’m fucking tired of waiting. So it’s not a small thing. Cause even when I do have a relationship, it’s going to be a fucking nightmare.

I seriously can not explain how easy it is for me to get triggered when I interact with people. My BPD acts up all the time, and for the smallest thing I feel like I’m a piece a shit and should do everyone a favor and kill myself. I even think that people who genuinely care about me are lying and just waiting for me to die so they can get rid of me.

Even tough I want to be in a relationship, it’s going to bring me so much pain. Maybe I won’t even be able to take it and I’ll have to brake up with them.

I’ll be the most abnormal girlfriend a person could have. I know that I’m a really good person, and that I would never do anything to hurt my partner intentionally, but it’ll be so hard for them. Maybe they won’t be able to take it, and they’ll be the one that wants to break up.

So yeah. My past is shit, and so is my future.

A body filled with sadness

It’s 2 a.m. and I can’t stop crying. I’m so fucking sad.

I know that is not, but I can’t help to feel like everything is my fault. What of I’m not doing enough? What if I never recover? What if I’m alone forever? What if I always feel this pain?

I don’t even know how all this sadness can fit inside my body, I feel like it’s infinite. I could cry for the rest of my life and it would still not be enough time to mourn how my young self was murdered.

I guess not a lot of people go through that experience, feeling so much sadness for yourself. Like witnessing a tragedy, but you’re the one going though it.

 

I’m thinking about the future, when I share my pain with people that love me. I’ll cry so much, and they will too, and they’ll be just as hurt.

We will both mourn that death. Although it makes me feel guilty knowing that they’ll be in pain, I hope that day comes.

I know that I should have hope, but it’s so hard. And even if I’m able to move on, things won’t be easy.

 

I don’t know, I have too much sadness. I wish I had someone to hug, I haven’t had a hug in years.

I need someone to tell me they love me, and that is not my fault, that I’m strong, and  I did everything I could and more. That they’re proud of me.

That’s all I’ve got. The hope that someday thing will be better.