Being a child

I don’t know if I’m gonna make sense, my mind is all over the place and my head hurts, and I’m regressing.

I don’t wanna feel this way but I can’t help it. It really is coming out like never before. I hope this doesn’t happen often. I was thinking that maybe I had a facet from my OSDD-1 that was a little one, but I wasn’t sure. It’s a head space that I can access when I’m feeling overwhelmed, but it’s always a conscience decision and it never feel like it was a full-formed facet. However, today it came out stronger than ever.

I have to go through a medical procedure tomorrow and I’m nervous. I was sad and overwhelmed, so I went to my head space. I do that often, but this time I connected it to things from my childhood. Specially with sadness.

I used to feel an immense sadness when I was a child. I don’t know how to explain it. And I also know that there was nothing there to comfort me.

I wanna explain more but it’s hard. And I want to let the little one speak but she’s not talking. I usually go non-verbal when I regress.

I went through so much as a little girl. I feel like part of her is gonna be trapped inside of me forever. It’s so sad. I just feel sadness.

I wish I had someone that could hold me, but I know that if I did I would probably cry for years.

I wonder if my little one holds any memories.

Who’s gonna fix all these broken peaces of me?

Now more than ever I can feel how I’m split into multiple facets. I’m clearly a system.

I hope all my parts can make it through. At least now I’m less lonely. The little one will probably go dormant again after this, and I’ll go back to the facet that usually fronts (which is not me). I feel better now though, with her here.

A body filled with sadness

It’s 2 a.m. and I can’t stop crying. I’m so fucking sad.

I know that is not, but I can’t help to feel like everything is my fault. What of I’m not doing enough? What if I never recover? What if I’m alone forever? What if I always feel this pain?

I don’t even know how all this sadness can fit inside my body, I feel like it’s infinite. I could cry for the rest of my life and it would still not be enough time to mourn how my young self was murdered.

I guess not a lot of people go through that experience, feeling so much sadness for yourself. Like witnessing a tragedy, but you’re the one going though it.

 

I’m thinking about the future, when I share my pain with people that love me. I’ll cry so much, and they will too, and they’ll be just as hurt.

We will both mourn that death. Although it makes me feel guilty knowing that they’ll be in pain, I hope that day comes.

I know that I should have hope, but it’s so hard. And even if I’m able to move on, things won’t be easy.

 

I don’t know, I have too much sadness. I wish I had someone to hug, I haven’t had a hug in years.

I need someone to tell me they love me, and that is not my fault, that I’m strong, and  I did everything I could and more. That they’re proud of me.

That’s all I’ve got. The hope that someday thing will be better.