Swimming through the waves

Ugh. Haven’t written in a long time. Let’s see.

I was abused by my family my whole childhood, which left me with a lot of trauma. I also have ADHD, which makes working (and moving out) really hard.

The upside is that now I have my ADHD diagnosis, and meds. It’s really hard to have access to meds where I live, so that’s a constant worry in the back of my mind. I’ve also been dealing with annoying side effects, to the point where I’m only taking it sometimes. I can’t risk talking about this with my psychiatrist and have my meds taken away, so I just have to deal with it on my own.

I’ve also been taking care of my physical health, for the first time ever, and my lifestyle is way healthier now.  I’ve actually been doing things like exercising and going out on weekends.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that my menstrual cycle has a HUGE impact on my symptoms. I’ll try to address that with my doctor in the next couple of weeks.

I’ve also been able to work more, so that’s cool. Still not enough though, but I’m trying.

 

I’ve been thinking of only dating women (if I ever date someone in my life), cause I can’t even imagine being with a man. Too much baggage.

 

The situation with one of my abusers is kinda stable at the moment, thankfully. They still often flash their genitals, and do shit like walking in on me taking a shower. At least they’re not threatening me to kick me out.

In terms of my housing situation, I might be able to reach an agreement with my abuser. I can’t even believe I’m typing this, it feels too good to be true. However it’s super soon to know for sure, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they change their mind or use it as a manipulation tool. I’m just… hoping for the best.

At the end of the day I’m still at their mercy. They have the power to do whatever the fuck they want with me.

 

I haven’t been to therapy for a couple of months, but I don’t even feel like it. Therapists are shit here, I’ve been thought that enough times.

 

That’s what I’ve been dealing with for the last couple of months.


 

This week I was thinking about getting a second job, but then I started remembering all the issues I had in my previous ones. I realized I really struggle with social situations. I get really overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed just by leaving my house. Sometimes I have weird episodes (I call them “shutdowns”) where my body just stops working and I can barely move or speak.

Getting an ADHD diagnosis was great cause it helped me to see and cope with a lot of symptoms, but I’ve been thinking “is there something else?…”

I started considering autism… I’ve reading a little bit about it, and some things fit. Like getting overwhelmed when going out, or struggling with eye contact.

Sadly, all these symptoms get in the way of me getting a job, or getting a roommate.

 

I don’t know. Time will tell I guess.  Shit keeps coming up, but I keep moving forward.

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Hope and dread, simultaneously

So. The last few months of last year were “good” I guess (in my parameters). I did a shit ton of things for my recovery last year, so I’m proud about that.

Right now I’m more stable than I’ve ever been. I’m taking care of my health, I’m taking the adhd meds and I’m paying attention to my symptoms and needs. It’s pretty cool, I’ve learned a lot about how my body+brain work.

The next goal is to be able to work semi regularly. It’s a struggle, but I might be slowly approaching it. Also my economical situation has never been worse, but I have hope in myself? Maybe? At least that’s what I tell myself.

My abusers still hate me for no reason, refuse to acknowledge my health problems (never mind the fact that I’m disabled) and work really hard to ruin my life.

It’s like I’ve never had more tools and support, but also things are harder than ever. There’s a ticking clock over my head, cause I have a deadline from my abuser. I have to make money and move out soon. Again, refusing to aknoledge in any way that I’m spending a fortune in my treatment and that just doing everyday things like eating and sleeping are fucking hard for me.

Can’t wait till they’re fucking dead! I hope they suffer too.

And it’s twisted because not only I was and am abused and traumatized, but I also happen to have a neurological disability that makes ESCAPING this hell even harder.

Ha ha. Life’s irony.

When I feel hopeless I think about other people who have recovered and escaped their abusers. I hope that’s me one day. I’ve been kinda suicidal too, but what’s new.

Like always, things are better than ever but there’s still so much to go.

God, my life would be so much easier if they were dead.

The gaslighting slows me down, but I’m still going

I’m in the process of getting (at least part of) the treatment that I need, so I’ve been talking to my abusers about my mental health.

It’s hell because they’re full of shit and gaslighting. They’re like “yeah, I support you”, when in reality they

  • deny the things I struggle with,
  • think I have no real problems,
  • think I’m too sensitive,
  • showed little to no empathy after me literally saying “I’ve been struggling for a really long time, I can barely do stuff, and the professionals I’ve seen think I should get treated”,  (no best wishes, offering me support or help, thanking me for sharing it with them, etc.)
  • ignored / were completely unaware of my mental illness ever since I was a kid,
  • blame me for “not saying anything”, even though I did but they shot me down time every single time,
  • think (and tell me) that getting professional help is pointless, and that the only thing that will really help me is their religion,
  • make remarks about how “sad” they are that I treat them “coldly” ever “since I was a kid” which is a blatant lie,
  • blame me for our lack of relationship, while also making me pity them cause they’re “alone and have no relationships”,
  • and obviously completely ignore and deny the fact that they have always treated me like trash.

I’m probably forgetting things.
But they support me getting treatment! Whatever’s best for me!

Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.

 


 

It’s been hard, but I’m getting there. I’m trying to get the therapy and medication I need, I’m talking to people, I’m advocating for mental health.

It’s hard, but I’m getting there.

Going nowhere, but at least I’m moving

I’m doing therapy, and it’s kinda good but not quite what I need.

She gets that my family is fucked up and that I had a shitty childhood, but I feel like she doesn’t fully grasp how abusive they are and how much that affected me. It sucks.

I mean, that was the whole reason I want to go to therapy, so I can talk about all the shit I’ve been through and get it off my chest. I feel like I won’t fully recover till I do that.

But yeah, I don’t know. It’s better than nothing, and getting a different therapy would be really difficult.

I’m also trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD, I already called a professional to set an appointment. Just getting the diagnosis is expensive as fuck (and I fucking hope I get it), so I probably won’t be able to afford treatment any time soon.
I just want to get the diagnosis for now, so I can show my abusers I’m actually mentally ill and not a lazy piece of shit. I hope I get it.

I’ve been trying to work and do stuff. The depression is kinda gone, but I’m still anxious and obviously ADHD. Just existing and living is so hard for me. It feels like I wasn’t made for life. It’s because of the abuse, I’m sure, at least most of it.

I’m trying to meet people. I’m just trying to… get by I guess.

Hope things work out.

The host fronting and therapy

So, the host fronted today. She rarely does. But it was nice, cause I realize she does whenever I’m honest to myself about my abuse. It’s like she knows the truth.

It was also the first time I felt like we’re in this together, like we are a system. She said that we should all stick together and try to survive. And if we die, at least we know what the truth is.

 


 

I switched while I was thinking about therapy. I started a month ago, and the therapist is nice and validating for the most part, but I still feel like she doesn’t get the depth of my trauma. Which sucks.

I figured I should just give myself the validation I need (I know what I’ve been though. That’s when the host fronted). At the end of the day, I don’t know if any neurotypical would be able to understand. It still sucks though, I wish I had someone to talk.

She’s really nice, but I’m disappointed.

The therapist Kati Morton says that in order to process trauma, we need to talk about it in detail. That’s what I want to do, but I feel like my therapists just wants me to move on. But I can’t move on until I can get all of that off my chest.

What I need is to feel understood. Paul from the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcasts says that the best thing is for someone else to witness you pain. I crave that so much, that’s all I want.

I’ve been through so much, and I have so much pain inside of me. All I want is to have people who love me, and support me, and believe me. Who can see my real me.