Going nowhere, but at least I’m moving

I’m doing therapy, and it’s kinda good but not quite what I need.

She gets that my family is fucked up and that I had a shitty childhood, but I feel like she doesn’t fully grasp how abusive they are and how much that affected me. It sucks.

I mean, that was the whole reason I want to go to therapy, so I can talk about all the shit I’ve been through and get it off my chest. I feel like I won’t fully recover till I do that.

But yeah, I don’t know. It’s better than nothing, and getting a different therapy would be really difficult.

I’m also trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD, I already called a professional to set an appointment. Just getting the diagnosis is expensive as fuck (and I fucking hope I get it), so I probably won’t be able to afford treatment any time soon.
I just want to get the diagnosis for now, so I can show my abusers I’m actually mentally ill and not a lazy piece of shit. I hope I get it.

I’ve been trying to work and do stuff. The depression is kinda gone, but I’m still anxious and obviously ADHD. Just existing and living is so hard for me. It feels like I wasn’t made for life. It’s because of the abuse, I’m sure, at least most of it.

I’m trying to meet people. I’m just trying to… get by I guess.

Hope things work out.

The host fronting and therapy

So, the host fronted today. She rarely does. But it was nice, cause I realize she does whenever I’m honest to myself about my abuse. It’s like she knows the truth.

It was also the first time I felt like we’re in this together, like we are a system. She said that we should all stick together and try to survive. And if we die, at least we know what the truth is.

 


 

I switched while I was thinking about therapy. I started a month ago, and the therapist is nice and validating for the most part, but I still feel like she doesn’t get the depth of my trauma. Which sucks.

I figured I should just give myself the validation I need (I know what I’ve been though. That’s when the host fronted). At the end of the day, I don’t know if any neurotypical would be able to understand. It still sucks though, I wish I had someone to talk.

She’s really nice, but I’m disappointed.

The therapist Kati Morton says that in order to process trauma, we need to talk about it in detail. That’s what I want to do, but I feel like my therapists just wants me to move on. But I can’t move on until I can get all of that off my chest.

What I need is to feel understood. Paul from the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcasts says that the best thing is for someone else to witness you pain. I crave that so much, that’s all I want.

I’ve been through so much, and I have so much pain inside of me. All I want is to have people who love me, and support me, and believe me. Who can see my real me.

Mental block

Some thoughts I wrote down cause my mind is blocked.


It’s so frustrating living a life where you can’t control your brain. I wish I could just be, and do the things I want. It’s depressing.
I’m tired and I’m sad, I wish I had someone to hold me. Living a life you hate is so exhausting.

I feel like shit but I don’t really know what I feel, cause my brain is blocking it. That usually happens when I feel shame about my feelings. I need to understand that I have the right to feel whatever the fuck I want.

 

I wish I had people around me. It’s so hard doing this on my own. I need support and help.

Some days I can’t do it on my own.

Useless bodies

Being low functioning while living in a capitalist society is fucking hell.

Even if you somehow have enough money to survive, the guilt destroys you everyday. Maybe I just need to try harder. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’m just stupid. Maybe I should just get up and do it. That’s probably what other people do. Stop getting distracted. Stop dissociating. Stop feeling sad. Just work. That’s your obligation. Work. Work. Work.

Do something. You’re so useless.

Capitalism and my abusers, saying the same things.

You’re useless, there’s no worth in you. You don’t matter.

 

I’ve been having such a hard time. I don’t even know why, I can’t think.

We exist

Pros: I’m doing therapy and she’s great.
Cons: I feel like shit.

 


 

I’ve been abused my whole life. That has been my life. I don’t know how to be a human, how to live. The pain is so big.

I feel like the only way to move on is to accept it as a part of me. The abuse I’ve suffered my whole life defines who I am today. That’s just how it is.

But at the same time that makes me feel gross. Like I’m accepting it, like I wanted it. Like I liked it. I was there, therefore I was part of it. I participated by just existing.

But that is not true.

I just have to face the world, being honest with who I am. I’m an abuse survivor. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want it. But it defines who I am today. And I’m gonna keep going, or at least try.

We exist.