Keeping the monsters under control

I got triggered again, after a long  time.

Warning: incest content under the cut. Continue reading “Keeping the monsters under control”

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This is what they’ve done to me

I need to write this so I can get it off my chest.

It’s so hard for me to just imagine having sex. I’m in my twenties and still just masturbating is a fucking struggle. I  get triggered every time.

It’s better than before, now at least I can imagine someone wanting to have sex with me, but I still feel like I’m being a spoiled brat, using someone for my own benefit (that’s how they see me). But it’s actually the opposite, my mind always tends to think that the other persons would just fuck me to get off, like a sex toy. Just using my body, because no one could really want me.

I was imagining having actual sex with someone, where both of us want to fuck each other, and I realized that’s what’s sex is. If it’s not like that, then it’s rape. And there are people in this fucking world who would find me attractive, and who would actually want to have sex with me.

It’s hard for me to accept my body. Or just have a body, or remembering that I have one. I was thinking this has always been the case, since I was a child, and obviously that was thanks to my family.

I remembered when I was 13 or 14, and we were having dinner with my whole family, and some friends of them. They decided to start talking about my appearance (that’s the only thing they would talk about me) and saying, once again, how I should change my hair, change that, pay more attention to my appearance. One of them said I looked “horrible”, and then asked “Don’t you want to attract the opposite sex?”.

What kind of fucked up question is that? Of course everyone agreed. They also starting criticizing how “shy” I was, and how I would never talk. One of their friends, who was clearly uncomfortable with the situation, tried to make it better saying “Oh, well I’m sure that when she does have something to say, it’s brilliant!”. My abuser shook their head, with a face that said “Trust me, no.”

They did that. Those people who say they love me did that to me.

I can’t even look at my body. For most of my life I didn’t even feel it. I was like a fucking cloud. I didn’t feel like I was a girl, I didn’t feel like I had a gender. I didn’t feel like I was a person.

This is the fucking proof of what they did to me. This fucking blog, this fucking post. Just so my brain doesn’t try to delete it and forget everything that ever happened to me, like it usually does.

I was a fucking child. They were supposed to tell me “Hey, are boys being nice to you? Do you feel comfortable in your own skin? Remember you’re beautiful and that I’ll protect you.” I was a 13 year old girl. But they were telling me “Your body doesn’t belong to you. Make sure you’re pretty to boys, that’s your only fucking use and you’re failing at it.”

Fuck all of them.

I hope one day someone sees the pain I’ve been through. And they deserve to fucking die. They don’t deserve to see my fucking face ever again.

If I’m not triggered, is it really a new year?

So, I’ve seen abuser B these last two weeks. I won’t be seeing them for a couple of months. Seeing them was okay, by now I know how to handle things to keep them content. I did get triggered before, during and after seeing them, as usual, but I guess this time wasn’t as bad since I was aware of it.

I’ve felt so much these last couple of days I don’t even know what to write. Is really depressing being reminded how shattered your relationship with your family is. How I virtually have no one in my life.

It dawned on me how much one of them doesn’t love me or care about me. And the other one does love me, but they’re incapable to do it in a healthy way. It’s really sad.

While I was thinking about this, I hid in the bathroom. I was looking in the mirror (a rare thing)  while I was crying, and I had one of those (once again) rare moments where I’m able to see that I’m a young girl. That the person that endured all the abuse was a young girl.

Although, not really, because of my OSDD-1. Another facet has been fronting for many years, so I don’t feel young or like a girl, and that was how I survived. A kid would have not survived what I did.

 

I’ve been thinking about my inner child lately, or actually, it’s been manifesting itself. Coincidentally I watched a video about it yesterday, about how people who grow up without loving parents should re-parent their inner child. I know that I should do that. I have a heartbroken little kid inside of me. It’s sounds like a really hard work though, I don’t know if I could do it. I know that I should, cause otherwise I will feel dependent on the comfort of other people (like I already do).

 

I’ve also got triggered about sex abuse while I was with them, as usual. Disgusting thoughts and dreams popping up in my head. I tried not to think about it though. I still don’t want to think about it, I’ve got too much on my plate.

 

I don’t know. That’s some of what I’ve been feeling these last couple of days, after seeing abuser B. Now I’m trying to get back to work, but it’s hard.

My life is horrible. Happy new year.

Happy holidays to me

I haven’t written in several days cause I was busy. I was feeling okay, apart from the fear that I’ve been feeling lately.

I’ve gotten my physical exams done and everything went fine, thankfully.

I want to finish my year recap, but I’ll have to do it in January. So much happened this year.

So, I’ll be seeing abuser B and their family this week. It’s a yearly thing I can’t avoid. Last week I started having the symptoms that I usually have when I see them, like feeling self hatred and suicidal, fantasizing about rape all day long. Thankfully they’ve gone away for the most part. I think acknowledging and understanding my symptoms makes it better. I’ve also been really tired and spacey, (also common) which hasn’t gone away. I have a lot of things to do but I have 0 energy. And not only that, since yesterday I’ve been feeling sick, sort of like I’ve caught a cold.

This is not the first time this happens, in the past I’ve been sick just from knowing I would have to spend time with them.

Yay, family. Are there people who enjoy spending time with their families? I find it so hard to imagine.

In terms of my feelings, I’m not feeling much. I always go numb when I have to be with them. Just go numb and wait for it to end.

These two weeks are gonna be long. I know I’ll be fine, I’m more equipped to deal with it now. Just two weeks. Then I’ll go back to working, writing about mental health, trying to stay healthy. I can do this.

I want it to be over already.

Abuse has no end

Another physical symptom showed up, it’s the 4th one. They’re not related but it’s so frustrating , especially for someone like me who doesn’t get sick often.

I don’t know if I’m getting all of these symptoms because of stress, I guess that must be a factor. Either way, I’m so fucking annoyed. Even more now, with the new symptom, cause it’s an embarrassing one. I hate my life.

 

Having to deal with my physical health is not fun, but my abusers make everything worse, as usual. That’s what those fuckers do best.

 

I was brainwashed by abuser A my whole life. I won’t go too much into it, my mind gets fuzzy and shuts down when I think about it, so I don’t have the energy to do that right now.

Basically I was brainwashed through their religion, philosophical views or whatever you wanna call it. It was full of bullshit, it would take me forever to list all of it, but one of the main beliefs that was installed in my brain was “everything is your fault.”

They believe that you “attract everything that happens to you”, but of course that only applies for bad things. Therefore, when something bad happens it’s your fault. Plain and simple. Your soul was being “immature”, your “inner child was acting up”, and that’s why you ended up in a bad situation. Even if you had nothing to do with it.

Because this is a philosophical way used to explain everything in this universe, it also applies to things that you literally have no control over, so that includes your physical health.

 

I seriously can not put into words how much brainwashing was done to me. Luckily, during these last couple of years I was able to start the process of getting rid of all of that shit, but some of it still lingers.

So, now when I’m having all of these symptoms, I get triggered and a voice in the back of my head is saying “you’re doing this. It’s your fault. You’re being immature, you should grow up.”

And of course, in that discourse what “growing up and acting like a proper adult” really means is doing everything that they say. Being a fucking slave of their abuse, basically.

 

I know that it is bullshit, and I’m trying to not pay attention to it, but it’s hard. When you’ve been brainwashed for so many years, it’s really hard not slipping back into that mindset.

And it’s so fucking frustrating because I’ve got a lot of shit to deal with, and on top of that I have to deal with their bullshit stuck in my brain. It’s like no matter what, they’ll always make everything worse. They’re always there, to ensure they’re breaking me down, and that I’m suffering.

It’s seriously so frustrating. I want to write more about that but like I said, when  I get overwhelmed by emotions my brain shuts down and I start feeling sleepy.

 

That’s what my entire life has been so far. Having to put up with their shit, trying to survive. I hate them so much. I want to cry.

 

But all of this is not just in my head. They’ve already said that I should “think” about “what is going on with me” and “why am I having all these symptoms.”

The most hilarious thing is that they actually said: “clearly your mind is acting up, since you have a nice life, and there’s no reason for you to have all of this somatization.”

Except it’s not funny at all.

 


I was rereading the text to correct it, and it’s the first time I make so many mistakes in a post. Even when I went to add the tags, I had forgotten what I wrote about, even though I had finished the post a minute ago.
It’s really visible how I shut down and my brain stops working properly when I feel overwhelmed.