NSFW. Sex abuse trigger warning.
Since I’ve decided to stay more active and not think too much I’ve been feeling better, but this week I had some down time due to my physical health and that wasn’t good for my brain.
I’ve been thinking about something that’s really sad. I kinda feel like it’s “stupid” or “small” and I shouldn’t pay attention to it, but it’s something that can happen in the future, and it’s gonna make me feel like shit, so I won’t downplay it.
Basically I’ve been thinking about how hard it’s going to be for me to open up to someone. If someone happens to like me back at some point in my life, they’re gonna want to know about me and my life.
How the fuck do I tell them that I’ve been mentally ill for a decade? That I’ve been low functioning for the last 5, that I hate my family, that I’ve never had sex, and that sex triggers a shit ton? That I barely have any friends, that it takes suck a big effort for me to maintain a routine, and shower, and eat? That’s is going to be so hard for me to be in a relationship because of my trauma and my BPD? That’s everything is going to trigger me, and that at least half of the time I’m going to be completely unable to interact with them? How do I tell them that I can barely work, that I had to drop out from university? That because of my trauma I can barely remember anything that’s in my past?
It’s going to be so hard for me to hard sex, meet their families, be with their friends, be open with them, solve conflicts. Just fucking impossible.
If I ever am in a relationship it would have to be a really serious one, where the other person really cares about me and loves me, and wants to help me and see me happy. But when am I going to meet someone like that? I don’t think that is impossible, but it will take years. I’m getting old already, I’m the beginning of my twenties. How old will I be when I have my first relationship? 26? 28? 30?
I know that there are people who have been single for a longer time, but I can’t help to feel like that’s depressing.
And it is. It fucking is. I’ve been completely alone my whole life, I really need someone that loves me, but that’s probably not going to happen for at least a couple of years. I’m fucking tired of waiting. So it’s not a small thing. Cause even when I do have a relationship, it’s going to be a fucking nightmare.
I seriously can not explain how easy it is for me to get triggered when I interact with people. My BPD acts up all the time, and for the smallest thing I feel like I’m a piece a shit and should do everyone a favor and kill myself. I even think that people who genuinely care about me are lying and just waiting for me to die so they can get rid of me.
Even tough I want to be in a relationship, it’s going to bring me so much pain. Maybe I won’t even be able to take it and I’ll have to brake up with them.
I’ll be the most abnormal girlfriend a person could have. I know that I’m a really good person, and that I would never do anything to hurt my partner intentionally, but it’ll be so hard for them. Maybe they won’t be able to take it, and they’ll be the one that wants to break up.
So yeah. My past is shit, and so is my future.
I’ve been having so much anxiety during these last couple of days.
I’m working with some new clients. Even though is not a serious job, I made a stupid mistake and now I feel anxious all the time. The job is not that important, I just feel so fucking embarrassed and I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s so hard for me to make mistakes. It triggers me, and I feel like a child. The other people are so much more important than me, and I’m nothing. I have no boundaries, no protection. I feel completely helpless. I literally picture myself being invisible and the other people walking over me, doing whatever they want and I’m unable to do anything.
That’s because of my abuse. They made me feel like I was nothing, less than human. I was always wrong, and stupid, and everyone else was always right.
It’s gotten a lot better with time, it used to be way worse, but it still happens.
I’m also anxious because I’ve been thinking about how scary is going to be when I (someday) move out and live on my own. The city where I live is really dangerous, specially for women, and I’m such an easy target. I could get raped, or robbed, or killed so fucking easily.
There’s a lot of violence against women where I live (just as in the rest of the world). I’ve been reading about the subject lately and it’s so terrifying, any woman can be the next victim. The argument of “those women put themselves in that situation” is fucking bullshit. Anyone can be a victim, there’s no way to provoke or prevent that. It’s so sad.
Another thing that makes me anxious is my physical health, but I wrote about that in a separate post.
I just want to do things right. To work and function properly, but I get anxious because I know how hard it is for me.
I wish I could get a fucking break, relax and be with people that love me and care about me, but there is none.
I’ve just got to keep going. Someday things might get better.
Another end of the year is approaching. It is always the worst time of the year for me. It’s the combination of summer, my birthday, having to spend time with “family” because of the “holidays”, and just the overall environment.
It started when I was young, during the end of the year we had the summer vacations, and having to spend all those weeks alone made all my symptoms more apparent. Since then, having a breakdown every December is a tradition.
Even though the one I had last year was bad, I don’t think (and hope) it will never reach the level of hell that was the summer after I graduated from high school. I could write pages and pages about what was going on with me at the time, I will some day. It’s surreal, and bizarre, and really sad. I was so young, and suffering so much because of my abuser.
Although I was abused in many ways, a big part of it was the brainwashing and the emotional abuse, and that’s such an important thing. Neurotypical people just don’t know shit about emotional abuse, what it encompasses, and the effects that causes. It’s insane the fact that I was being abused for so many years and I didn’t have a fucking clue.
Although the brainwashing obviously plays a big part on it. Maybe the brainwashing that I had to endure was stronger than other cases because of all the religious shit that came with it. Maybe not, maybe every single person that is abused is controlled that way. Specially when you’re a child, and that’s all you’ve ever known.
Anyway, back to the present. I feel panicky because of the end of the year, I’m trying really fucking hard to work but my brain only functions during 50% of my day, I have to deal with some medical stuff, and I’m going to see Abuser B in a month. We’ll be together for a week. Yay!
The last time I saw them was a couple of months ago. It triggered me so fucking much. I was barely sleeping, barely eating, feeling so much self hate and having constant fantasies of being raped. It was all I could think about.
That’s depressing. I think I’m gonna stop now. I don’t wanna think about rape because I’m going to bed in an hour and I won’t be able to sleep.
So my life’s shit, nothing new.