So much shit happens to me on the daily, I cant keep up with writing it all.
I feel good. I’ve been working a lot, which has helped my mood greatly. I’m still trying not to think about my past so much, so I can move a little bit forwards with my life and become independent. That’s been going great.
I still feel really unsafe in the world, which makes sense. At the end of the day, the first two decades of my life have been a fucking nightmare, so it’s only logical I’m waiting for the next catastrophe to come.
I don’t know what people do to feel safe. I couldn’t sleep tonight and I remembered the time when I was in high school (I was 14) and my best friend got beaten up by a girl. So many things were involved in that situation, all of them completely fucked up, but one was the complete lack of reaction. My family, her family, the teachers, counselors, the school principals. No one did anything. We were still attending the same class together, everyday. No disciplinary action was taken.
And I could have been the next one to get beaten up, but my family did nothing. Everyday, I went to school thinking it could happen. Someone could literally punch me till I was laying on the street, and I knew no one was going to do anything about it. I was 14.
Obviously that’s just one example, but how can I ever feel safe in this planet?
This is another topic, but I’ve been thinking about my inner child a lot lately. I still don’t know much about it, but I do know that the child in me was completely neglected and unprotected. I still feel it to this day. I was never comforted or made feel safe (not genuinely at least). I feel like when you’re a kid is the only time in your life when you feel, even if it’s not realistic, 100% protected. I’ve never had that.
Now I just live in constant fear and in need of someone to comfort me. Fucking sad.