This is what they’ve done to me

I need to write this so I can get it off my chest.

It’s so hard for me to just imagine having sex. I’m in my twenties and still just masturbating is a fucking struggle. I ¬†get triggered every time.

It’s better than before, now at least I can imagine someone wanting to have sex with me, but I still feel like I’m being a spoiled brat, using someone for my own benefit (that’s how they see me). But it’s actually the opposite, my mind always tends to think that the other persons would just fuck me to get off, like a sex toy. Just using my body, because no one could really want me.

I was imagining having actual sex with someone, where both of us want to fuck each other, and I realized that’s what’s sex is. If it’s not like that, then it’s rape. And there are people in this fucking world who would find me attractive, and who would actually want to have sex with me.

It’s hard for me to accept my body. Or just have a body, or remembering that I have one. I was thinking this has always been the case, since I was a child, and obviously that was thanks to my family.

I remembered when I was 13 or 14, and we were having dinner with my whole family, and some friends of them. They decided to start talking about my appearance (that’s the only thing they would talk about me) and saying, once again, how I should change my hair, change that, pay more attention to my appearance. One of them said I looked “horrible”, and then asked “Don’t you want to attract the opposite sex?”.

What kind of fucked up question is that? Of course everyone agreed. They also starting criticizing how “shy” I was, and how I would never talk. One of their friends, who was clearly uncomfortable with the situation, tried to make it better saying “Oh, well I’m sure that when she does have something to say, it’s brilliant!”. My abuser shook¬†their head, with a face that said “Trust me, no.”

They did that. Those people who say they love me did that to me.

I can’t even look at my body. For most of my life I didn’t even feel it. I was like a fucking cloud. I didn’t feel like I was a girl, I didn’t feel like I had a gender. I didn’t feel like I was a person.

This is the fucking proof of what they did to me. This fucking blog, this fucking post. Just so my brain doesn’t try to delete it and forget everything that ever happened to me, like it usually does.

I was a fucking child. They were supposed to tell me “Hey, are boys being nice to you? Do you feel comfortable in your own skin? Remember you’re beautiful and that I’ll protect you.” I was a 13 year old girl. But they were telling me “Your body doesn’t belong to you. Make sure you’re pretty to boys, that’s your only fucking use and you’re failing at it.”

Fuck all of them.

I hope one day someone sees the pain I’ve been through. And they deserve to fucking die. They don’t deserve to see my fucking face ever again.

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Being a child

I don’t know if I’m gonna make sense, my mind is all over the place and my head hurts, and I’m regressing.

I don’t wanna feel this way but I can’t help it. It really is coming out like never before. I hope this doesn’t happen often. I was thinking that maybe I had a facet from my OSDD-1 that was a little one, but I wasn’t sure. It’s a head space that I can access when I’m feeling overwhelmed, but it’s always a conscience decision and it never feel like it was a full-formed facet. However, today it came out stronger than ever.

I have to go through a medical procedure tomorrow and I’m nervous. I was sad and overwhelmed, so I went to my head space. I do that often, but this time I connected it to things from my childhood. Specially with sadness.

I used to feel an immense sadness when I was a child. I don’t know how to explain it. And I also know that there was nothing there to comfort me.

I wanna explain more but it’s hard. And I want to let the little one speak but she’s not talking. I usually go non-verbal when I regress.

I went through so much as a little girl. I feel like part of her is gonna be trapped inside of me forever. It’s so sad. I just feel sadness.

I wish I had someone that could hold me, but I know that if I did I would probably cry for years.

I wonder if my little one holds any memories.

Who’s gonna fix all these broken peaces of me?

Now more than ever I can feel how I’m split into multiple facets. I’m clearly a system.

I hope all my parts can make it through. At least now I’m less lonely. The little one will probably go dormant again after this, and I’ll go back to the facet that usually fronts (which is not me). I feel better now though, with her here.