Sexism causes pain

Why does anybody talk about the emotional toll that sexism has?

I can’t even put it into words. There’s nothing more exhausting than living in a world that was built against you.

Besides from earning less, having less opportunities, having more responsibilities in our homes, having other people make decisions about our bodies, and even living with the possibility that you could get raped and killed any day.  That’s horrible.

But is there anything more heart breaking than the fact that your partner is your bigger threat? That the number one person who will possibly harm us is our boyfriend, husband, father of our children.

And even putting that aside, and assuming your partner won’t harm you, he will still view you as less. Every man in this planet will do that, because that’s just the culture that we live in. We can all get rid of out bigoted beliefs, but only to an extent.

You partner, one of the people you love and trust the most, will view you and therefore treat you as less because you’re a woman.

And you can’t change that, no one can change that.

This is assuming you have a partner, i.e. you’ve found a man who is decent enough to be with you and love you. Which is probably 1 in 1,000.

That’s the mindset that we have, since we are little girls: man are trash to us, try to find one that is a little less mean than the rest. We don’t date men who we like, we date man who are “nice enough”.

But they’ll never be enough. They’ll never be nice enough, or loving enough, of honest enough. And they’ll always think we are less than them.

But maybe he won’t hit you, right? And maybe you won’t get raped when you go out to buy groceries.

Those are the things we have to settle, as women.

 

Why is no one talking about how depressing this is?

Sexism hurts us and, if we would be aware of it, we would feel the pain it causes every single day.

This is what they’ve done to me

I need to write this so I can get it off my chest.

It’s so hard for me to just imagine having sex. I’m in my twenties and still just masturbating is a fucking struggle. I  get triggered every time.

It’s better than before, now at least I can imagine someone wanting to have sex with me, but I still feel like I’m being a spoiled brat, using someone for my own benefit (that’s how they see me). But it’s actually the opposite, my mind always tends to think that the other persons would just fuck me to get off, like a sex toy. Just using my body, because no one could really want me.

I was imagining having actual sex with someone, where both of us want to fuck each other, and I realized that’s what’s sex is. If it’s not like that, then it’s rape. And there are people in this fucking world who would find me attractive, and who would actually want to have sex with me.

It’s hard for me to accept my body. Or just have a body, or remembering that I have one. I was thinking this has always been the case, since I was a child, and obviously that was thanks to my family.

I remembered when I was 13 or 14, and we were having dinner with my whole family, and some friends of them. They decided to start talking about my appearance (that’s the only thing they would talk about me) and saying, once again, how I should change my hair, change that, pay more attention to my appearance. One of them said I looked “horrible”, and then asked “Don’t you want to attract the opposite sex?”.

What kind of fucked up question is that? Of course everyone agreed. They also starting criticizing how “shy” I was, and how I would never talk. One of their friends, who was clearly uncomfortable with the situation, tried to make it better saying “Oh, well I’m sure that when she does have something to say, it’s brilliant!”. My abuser shook their head, with a face that said “Trust me, no.”

They did that. Those people who say they love me did that to me.

I can’t even look at my body. For most of my life I didn’t even feel it. I was like a fucking cloud. I didn’t feel like I was a girl, I didn’t feel like I had a gender. I didn’t feel like I was a person.

This is the fucking proof of what they did to me. This fucking blog, this fucking post. Just so my brain doesn’t try to delete it and forget everything that ever happened to me, like it usually does.

I was a fucking child. They were supposed to tell me “Hey, are boys being nice to you? Do you feel comfortable in your own skin? Remember you’re beautiful and that I’ll protect you.” I was a 13 year old girl. But they were telling me “Your body doesn’t belong to you. Make sure you’re pretty to boys, that’s your only fucking use and you’re failing at it.”

Fuck all of them.

I hope one day someone sees the pain I’ve been through. And they deserve to fucking die. They don’t deserve to see my fucking face ever again.

No emergency exit

Okay. I’m going through a couple of days of a mini manic episode so my mind is all over the place. I’ll try to write this so I can get it off my head.

 

I’ve always dreamed of the idea of moving to a different country, living in a place where no one knows who I am, away from my family, a fresh start. I don’t mean like “disappear without telling anyone”, but just moving.

My goal was always to go to a country in the same continent. However, a year ago I came across a different country I had never contemplated before. It’s in the opposite side of the planet, a completely different culture. Sure, it has good things as well as bad things, but at least they’re new. It would be the ultimate “fresh start”.

It’s not like I had a plan, I didn’t even admit it to myself, but just having that thought in the back of my mind brought me so much peace. A new hope for my future, like I’d never had before.

Last week I decided that maybe I should actually look into it, and started reading about it. Then I came across a video of a girl explaining how she had just gotten her visa, and my hurt sank. It’s not like I thought getting a visa took 5 minutes, but I just had the realization that this is for neurotypicals only. Having a stable and important job, a degree, a career, a good relationship with your family, a good reason to move to that country. I will never have those things that you need to have in order to get a visa.

This is a neurotypical world built for neurotypicals only.

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This is one part of the whole thing. The other thing that really triggered me is sexism.

Both mine and that culture are sexist, just like any other culture in this planet. That’s obvious.

However, sexism manifest itself differently in every case. And although that culture is much more conservative, and I’m sure sexism is well integrated into that, there are also some other things there that don’t exist here. Like men respecting and treating women nicely, or finding a girl beautiful regardless of her tits size, or boys talking about how they genuinely want to get married and have kids when they’re a couple of years older.

I had never seen that before. Ever, in my life.

And considering how fucking traumatized I am, and how hard it is for me to just be around men, the idea of living in a place where men are less scary sounded like a fucking dream.

Guess is not going to happen though.

We don’t endorse boundaries in this house

NSFW. Sex abuse trigger warning.

Anxious

I’ve been having so much anxiety  during these last couple of days.

I’m working with some new clients. Even though is not a serious job, I made a stupid mistake and now I feel anxious all the time. The job is not that important, I just feel so fucking embarrassed and I can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s so hard for me to make mistakes. It triggers me, and I feel like a child. The other people are so much more important than me, and I’m nothing. I have no boundaries, no protection. I feel completely helpless. I literally picture myself being invisible and the other people walking over me, doing whatever they want and I’m unable to do anything.

That’s because of my abuse. They made me feel like I was nothing, less than human. I was always wrong, and stupid, and everyone else was always right.

It’s gotten a lot better with time, it used to be way worse, but it still happens.

 

I’m also anxious because I’ve been thinking about how scary is going to be when I (someday) move out and live on my own. The city where I live is really dangerous, specially for women, and I’m such an easy target. I could get raped, or robbed, or killed so fucking easily.

There’s a lot of violence against women where I live (just as in the rest of the world). I’ve been reading about the subject lately and it’s so terrifying, any woman can be the next victim. The argument of “those women put themselves in that situation” is fucking bullshit. Anyone can be a victim, there’s no way to provoke or prevent that. It’s so sad.

 

Another thing that makes me anxious is my physical health, but I wrote about that in a separate post.

 

I just want to do things right. To work and function properly, but I get anxious because I know how hard it is for me.

I wish I could get a fucking break, relax and be with people that love me and care about me, but there is none.

I’ve just got to keep going. Someday things might get better.