Gaslighting excellence

I can barely work or function, so I’m afraid that this might continue for a long time (like it has my whole life) and it’ll get to a point where my family will kick me out from my house.

Because of that, I had a conversation with them and told them I was having lot of symptoms and that I’m having a hard time doing things.

One of my abusers talked about their religion for a eternity and then just basically said “yeah, okay, if you feel shitty you should get help or whatever”.

(I want to point out that it’s ridiculous the fact that I had to “tell” my family that I was mentally ill, as if it’s not completely visible and it has been for years. I’ve also mentioned being depressed and suicidal in the past, but that also went unnoticed by them).

She¬†spoke a lot of gaslighting shit, like “I wouldn’t blame you for that” when she has told me a million times in the past, when I was so depressed I could barely move, that that was an attitude issue and that I needed to grow up.

She also said that I “put too much pressure on myself, that she doesn’t think anything wrong of me” when in past, when I had a hard time in college because of my depression, she accused me of using her for the money and just wasting my time because I was a lazy shit.

She also said “everyone feels bad! the world sucks!” which is what she always says, completely dismissing the fact that I’m clearly less functioning that “everyone”, and that I don’t just “feel shitty”.

 

But yeah, once again, trying to explain to my family that I’m mentally ill, and them just gaslighting me and completely ignoring what I’m saying! ūüôā

I wish they would fucking choke ūüôā

My story

Trigger warning: child sex abuse, incest, abuse.

 

I was born two decades ago. My whole life I suffered from emotional abuse from my family, and was sexually abused by one? of them when I was possibly a toddler. They also¬†brainwashed me with a sort of “religion” that they created.

I had no support, from anyone.

I first wanted to kill myself at 13, and during my teenage years that was all I could think about. Some of my symptoms where extreme maladaptive daydreaming, hallucinations, and being completely disconnected from my identity (years later I discovered it was OSDD-1).

I hit rock bottom right after finishing high school. I was delusional, convinced that the world was going to end (by my religious family member), and ready to die.

I had been so hurt by my abusers, to the point that I could not longer pretend that didn’t happen, but I didn’t know¬†how to feel anger. I had never been allowed to feel it, so I had no idea how to express it.

With time, I was able to do it. I was feeling angry for the first time in my life. I was venting, and complaining, and validating my emotions (not in front of my abusers, obviously). That’s when I decided I wanted to live, but I would do it for me, not because I had to” or because that’s what my abusers wanted.

So that’s when I started recovering. And when I say “recovering”, I mean doing that completely on my own. My abusers had convinced me that therapy/psychology/just the world in general was bullshit, so I didn’t seek out professional help. But I started reading about mental health, journaling, analyzing my thoughts, etc.

It actually worked. I started recovering. Of course, it wasn’t a simple process. The period where I started college was also extremely hard, I had to drop out eventually, and my abusers where as cruel as always. But with time, my mind¬†got a little better.

It actually got so much better, to the point where I didn’t hate myself or the world anymore. But I still was depressed. “What’s the problem, then?” I thought. That’s when I realized: it was my family. That’s what pushed me to be mentally ill in the first place. That’s what’s keeping me from being happy today.

I had a really hard time remembering my past, so I started reading my diaries from when I was younger. I started to remember, and puzzling everything together.

That was a year ago. Being able to see the fact that you’ve been abused is not something easy, every abuse survivor knows that. Specially when you’ve been as brainwashed as I was. I was going back and forth, seeing the abuse, and then denying it completely and wanting to kill myself for being so “stupid and crazy”.

With time, the doubts went away and I began to fully accept it. It was very painful, and I felt completely alone (which I was, and still am). But I guess I got over it pretty quickly. At the end of the day, I’ve never really had a relationship with my “family”, so seeing them as strangers wasn’t hard.

It was also a good thing, in a sad way: for the first time, my life made sense. For the first time, I could understand why I wanted to die, why I saw myself and the world the way I did.

But it wasn’t over. I had a period where I would get triggered very time I masturbated. It wasn’t the first time, but it had never been that often. A couple of weeks went by, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Why was that happening?

I started wondering if something could have happened. If I had been abused not only emotionally, but also in other ways.

Memories came up, flashbacks came up, and I realized I’ve had symptoms of sex all my life. Things still aren’t clear, but I know something happened. For now, that’s enough. Digging into it provokes a HUGE¬†fear in me, like I’ve never felt before in my life. I don’t have the support or resources to process it right now.

Which brings me to the other thing. During this time, I tried getting professional help. It was a disaster. All three therapists that saw me couldn’t understand why I was struggling (I am NOT joking). They¬†would treat me like I was stupid, and just being dramatic, and refused to acknowledge as true anything I would bring up. Things as basic as my mom being absolutely insane, or me having panic attacks.

When I brought up the fact that I thought I might have¬†been sexually abused because I was having flashbacks, one of them told me “Don’t you think that if you had been raped you would remember?”

She said that. She fucking said that.

Any professional in this planet should know that is not only possible, but absolutely common for people to remember their abuse years after it’s happened.¬†But she fucking said that.

That was the last time I tried getting professional help.

And I just kept going. On my own, trying to recover, trying to accept what happened. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m trying.

Now, the focus of my life is on my work. Even though I still struggle a lot, I have to make money since I’m already in my twenties. Of course, my abusers refuse to acknowledge anything they’ve ever done, or even the fact that I’m mentally ill. Hell, they see me¬†as an abuser, because I’m a “spoiled monster” who “uses them”. The truth is that I can barely function. But I’m trying, since I have no other choice, or I’ll probably end up in the street or dead.

Even when I feel a little bit better, my ADHD makes my life hard. Getting treatment for it is super hard where I live, so yay. Not only my family failed me, but also the whole fucking health system.

That’s where I’m at right now. Trying to work, trying to reach out to people. And telling my story. That way, if I die, at least¬†the world will know that it was my abusers’ fault.

 


 

Writing this was so draining I don’t have the energy to proofread it, I apologize for the mistakes I’m sure it has.

This is what they’ve done to me

I need to write this so I can get it off my chest.

It’s so hard for me to just imagine having sex. I’m in my twenties and still just masturbating is a fucking struggle. I ¬†get triggered every time.

It’s better than before, now at least I can imagine someone wanting to have sex with me, but I still feel like I’m being a spoiled brat, using someone for my own benefit (that’s how they see me). But it’s actually the opposite, my mind always tends to think that the other persons would just fuck me to get off, like a sex toy. Just using my body, because no one could really want me.

I was imagining having actual sex with someone, where both of us want to fuck each other, and I realized that’s what’s sex is. If it’s not like that, then it’s rape. And there are people in this fucking world who would find me attractive, and who would actually want to have sex with me.

It’s hard for me to accept my body. Or just have a body, or remembering that I have one. I was thinking this has always been the case, since I was a child, and obviously that was thanks to my family.

I remembered when I was 13 or 14, and we were having dinner with my whole family, and some friends of them. They decided to start talking about my appearance (that’s the only thing they would talk about me) and saying, once again, how I should change my hair, change that, pay more attention to my appearance. One of them said I looked “horrible”, and then asked “Don’t you want to attract the opposite sex?”.

What kind of fucked up question is that? Of course everyone agreed. They also starting criticizing how “shy” I was, and how I would never talk. One of their friends, who was clearly uncomfortable with the situation, tried to make it better saying “Oh, well I’m sure that when she does have something to say, it’s brilliant!”. My abuser shook¬†their head, with a face that said “Trust me, no.”

They did that. Those people who say they love me did that to me.

I can’t even look at my body. For most of my life I didn’t even feel it. I was like a fucking cloud. I didn’t feel like I was a girl, I didn’t feel like I had a gender. I didn’t feel like I was a person.

This is the fucking proof of what they did to me. This fucking blog, this fucking post. Just so my brain doesn’t try to delete it and forget everything that ever happened to me, like it usually does.

I was a fucking child. They were supposed to tell me “Hey, are boys being nice to you? Do you feel comfortable in your own skin? Remember you’re beautiful and that I’ll protect you.” I was a 13 year old girl. But they were telling me “Your body doesn’t belong to you. Make sure you’re pretty to boys, that’s your only fucking use and you’re failing at it.”

Fuck all of them.

I hope one day someone sees the pain I’ve been through. And they deserve to fucking die. They don’t deserve to see my fucking face ever again.

Year recap I

I decided to write a year recap to clear my mind. As always, remembering things is hard for me, so writing is really useful.

 

I’ll start with the end of last year, cause that’s really where this past “cycle” started. I had recovered from a lot of my mental health symptoms and I was really proud of that, since I did it with a lot of ¬†hard work, and on my own (treatment is not easy to get where I live).

However, as time went by, I still wasn’t feeling okay. Then I realized something: is not about me. I feel okay, I’m okay with my life. It’s the things that are outside of me are the ones that make me unhappy. And one of those main things was my family.

I realized that my family made me feel a lot of pain. At the beginning, I didn’t understand why, but I started thinking. And realizing things. I started reading my old diaries from when I was 13 to 18, since it was really hard for me to remember my life up to that point clearly. Then I started remembering things.

And that’s when I started seeing the truth: my family is filled with crazy motherfuckers, and I’ve been abused. It all made sense. My life made sense for the first time ever. So did all my mental illness, which up until¬†then I couldn’t understand why I was ill.

(I accidentally found out that I have ADD too, which was also depressing).

So what so I do now? I guess I have to move out as soon as possible. I was desperate for money, but I hated the idea of going back to the type of jobs that I had had in the past. (I had a horrible experience, I’ll talk about it some other time). Luckily I came up with the idea of working online, as a freelancer, and LUCKILY it worked. So during those two months where I was setting things up for my new job, I pushed the “abuse thing” to the back of my head.

Then December came around, and I started to feel unwell. I didn’t make the connection, I kinda forgot about the abuse. I just got really depressed in only a couple of days. It was brutal. All my BPD symptoms came up so hard. All day long (and I mean all. day. long) I only thought about is how much I wanted to be raped, and beaten, and murdered. Hated by all the people I care about. I couldn’t sleep, and I had no energy. Standing up or going to the kitchen was physically painful. I was barely eating. My stomach problems were at their worst, so I had to go to the hospital for medication.

I saw abuser B during those weeks, but I barely remember anything from it. I do remember that their asked me why I didn’t want to see their family, since they “miss me” and “don’t understand why I’m so distant.” Fucking hilarious. I said I just didn’t feel comfortable around them. “We have very different personalities, we just don’t click.” Of course that’s not the truth, I don’t want to see them because they treat me like I’m worse than trash, but they would tear me apart¬†if I ever said something like that.

I was so nervous¬†when we had that conversation, I was shaking. Later on, I saw their family only for a couple of minutes. They asked me if there’s anything going on, if they did something wrong. “Is it about the things that we said about [family member]?”

That’s it. That’s the only thing they could think of. Something that is not even related to me. They can’t think of any occasion¬†in which they were a piece of shit to me. And the funny thing is,¬†[family member] is also my abuser, so I couldn’t care less about the shit that they’ve got to say about them.

Anyway, December passed, and during January and February I was just as depressed. I was feeling really suicidal too. In one occasion, after something that happened with abuser A, I actually considered doing it. I was waiting to cross the street in a corner, cars were coming, and I considered to just keep walking. I didn’t.

 

Abuse has no end

Another physical symptom showed up, it’s the 4th one. They’re not related but it’s so frustrating , especially for someone like me who doesn’t get sick often.

I don’t know if I’m getting all of these symptoms because of stress, I guess that must be a factor. Either way, I’m so fucking annoyed. Even more now, with the new symptom, cause it’s an embarrassing one. I hate my life.

 

Having to deal with my physical health is not fun, but my abusers make everything worse, as usual. That’s what those fuckers do best.

 

I was brainwashed by abuser A my whole life. I won’t go too much into it, my mind gets fuzzy and shuts down when I think about it, so I don’t have the energy to do that right now.

Basically I was brainwashed through their religion, philosophical views or whatever you wanna call it. It was full of bullshit, it would take me forever to list all of it, but one of the main beliefs that was installed in my brain was “everything is your fault.”

They believe that you “attract¬†everything that happens to you”, but of course that only applies for bad things. Therefore, when something bad happens it’s your fault. Plain and simple. Your soul was being “immature”, your “inner child was acting up”, and that’s why you ended up in a bad situation. Even if you had nothing to do with it.

Because this is a philosophical way used to explain everything in this universe, it also applies to things that you literally have no control over, so that includes your physical health.

 

I seriously can not put into words how much brainwashing was done to me. Luckily, during these last couple of years I was able to start the process of getting rid of all of that shit, but some of it still lingers.

So, now when I’m having all of these symptoms, I get triggered and a voice in the back of my head is saying “you’re doing this. It’s your fault. You’re being immature, you should grow up.”

And of course, in that discourse what “growing up and acting like a proper adult” really means is doing everything that they say. Being a fucking slave of their abuse, basically.

 

I know that it is bullshit, and I’m trying to not pay attention to it, but it’s hard. When you’ve been brainwashed for so many years, it’s really hard¬†not slipping back into that mindset.

And it’s so fucking frustrating because I’ve got a lot of shit to deal with, and on top of that I have to deal with their bullshit stuck in my brain. It’s like no matter what, they’ll always make everything worse. They’re always there, to ensure they’re breaking me down, and that I’m suffering.

It’s seriously¬†so frustrating. I want to write more about that but like I said, when ¬†I get overwhelmed by emotions my brain shuts down and I start feeling sleepy.

 

That’s what my entire life has been so far. Having to put up with their shit, trying to survive. I hate them so much. I want to cry.

 

But all of this is not just in my head. They’ve already said that I should “think” about “what is going on with me” and “why am I having all these symptoms.”

The most hilarious thing is that they actually said: “clearly your mind is acting up, since you have a nice life, and there’s no reason for you to have all of this somatization.”

Except it’s not funny at all.

 


I was rereading the text to correct it, and it’s the first time I make so many mistakes in a post.¬†Even when I went to add the tags, I had forgotten what I wrote about, even though I had finished the post a minute ago.
It’s really visible how I shut down and my brain stops working properly when I feel overwhelmed.