Trying to escape the cage

So. Haven’t been here in a while. I guess it’s been a “positive” time, some good things happened.

Year recap:

• I’ve connected to local groups of activist, which is good cause I could ask them for help if hit rock bottom or I’m kicked out. It’s also nice to see other people concerned about the same things I am.
• I told my friends (very briefly) about my mental health state and my past with abuse. They didn’t say much, as usual, that’s why I’m not really talking to them anymore, but at least some people irl know the truth.
• I briefly “notified” my abusers about my mental illness. Took hard work for them to acknowledge it. Not much happened though, as time went by they started acting again like I’m completely normal. They don’t give a shit.
• I started therapy. It was okay, much better than my previous therapists (although they were terrible to me, so that’s not hard to top). It was good to tell at least part of my story to someone, and she did validate it, but we didn’t really got into it. It was pretty pointless. I stopped going.
• I got my diagnosis for my ADHD, and started meds. Fucking. Miracle. I’ve been mentally ill for ten years, and I can finally take some medication for it. It’s been working pretty good.
• Since my diagnosis I’ve been working really hard in paying attention to my symptoms and applying strategies to make me semi-functioning. It’s been going well, but it’s a lot of work. Of couse my ADHD is just part of the problem, so it’s just gonna alleviate some of my problems. I’m trying to find a CBT therapist that knows about ADHD but it’s stressful and exhausting. Professionals can be so terrible, I hate starting a new treatment.
• And that’s it, I think. Those are the good things.

The bad shit:

• My abusers still hate me for no fucking reason and live in a made-up reality where I’m a monster and I use them. Because of reasons.
• I’m still making practically no money.
• Managing my health takes so much time and I honestly don’t know when I’ll be able to make enough money to move out.

 

It’s a fucking trap. All I can do is put a lot of effort in my recovery and treatment, that way I have proof that I’m mentally ill and I’m not just staying here cause I like ruining their existence, as they like to believe. Of course they’ll still not give a shit, but at least if they kick me out it’s gonna be clear that it’s because they hate me.

Recovery checklist

Throughout my life I’ve managed to:

• survive my childhood
• decided I wasn’t going to die, at the age of 19
• decided I was going to start the career that I’ve always dreamed of (even though all my abusers were against it)
• staring recovering on my own, analyzing my thoughts and doing cognitive therapy exercises (before I even know that existed)
• learn a shit ton about mental health
• quitting my job and deciding to start my own online business
• realized I had ADHD
• realized that I had (and was, and am) being abused my whole life
• surviving adult years

 

This year I’ve managed to:

• tell my friends a little bit about my story and my present (first time talking to people who know me irl about it)
• write and share my story online (so I can have proof that it’s real, and I don’t die with the secret)
• make friends online (on Discord servers), connecting to other abuse survivors
• get the ADHD diagnosis
• starting therapy (which is far from great, but it’s better than nothing)
• kinda talk to my abusers about my mental health (obviously wasn’t a positive experience, but at least they can’t they they “aren’t aware of it”)
• start a local mental health online group (which happens to be pretty unique and special group)
• be part of a feminism online network (which helps me feel less alone, and I know I can go there for help if I think I’ll be kicked out form my abuser’s house)

 

I still need:

• meds for the ADHD, and with that being able to have a routine
• someone irl who I can tell my whole story, so I feel heard and I don’t have to be the only one carrying this big secret
• a good therapist (someone who is emphatic, so I can talk about my abuse and feel heard and understood)
• to feel better (with meds help), working, saving money, and moving out.

The gaslighting slows me down, but I’m still going

I’m in the process of getting (at least part of) the treatment that I need, so I’ve been talking to my abusers about my mental health.

It’s hell because they’re full of shit and gaslighting. They’re like “yeah, I support you”, when in reality they

• deny the things I struggle with,
• think I have no real problems,
• think I’m too sensitive,
• showed little to no empathy after me literally saying “I’ve been struggling for a really long time, I can barely do stuff, and the professionals I’ve seen think I should get treated”,  (no best wishes, offering me support or help, thanking me for sharing it with them, etc.)
• ignored / were completely unaware of my mental illness ever since I was a kid,
• blame me for “not saying anything”, even though I did but they shot me down time every single time,
• think (and tell me) that getting professional help is pointless, and that the only thing that will really help me is their religion,
• make remarks about how “sad” they are that I treat them “coldly” ever “since I was a kid” which is a blatant lie,
• blame me for our lack of relationship, while also making me pity them cause they’re “alone and have no relationships”,
• and obviously completely ignore and deny the fact that they have always treated me like trash.

I’m probably forgetting things.
But they support me getting treatment! Whatever’s best for me!

Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.

 

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It’s been hard, but I’m getting there. I’m trying to get the therapy and medication I need, I’m talking to people, I’m advocating for mental health.

It’s hard, but I’m getting there.

We exist

Pros: I’m doing therapy and she’s great.
Cons: I feel like shit.

 

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I’ve been abused my whole life. That has been my life. I don’t know how to be a human, how to live. The pain is so big.

I feel like the only way to move on is to accept it as a part of me. The abuse I’ve suffered my whole life defines who I am today. That’s just how it is.

But at the same time that makes me feel gross. Like I’m accepting it, like I wanted it. Like I liked it. I was there, therefore I was part of it. I participated by just existing.

But that is not true.

I just have to face the world, being honest with who I am. I’m an abuse survivor. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want it. But it defines who I am today. And I’m gonna keep going, or at least try.

We exist.

Outcast

I’m so angry at everyone. Every single neurotypicial fucker in this world.

I’m so pissed of about the fact that I was put into this situation.

I was abused my whole life, and no teacher or adult around me did shit about it. And even if they wanted to help me, they probably wouldn’t had had any resources to recommend me, since the place where I live is shit.

Because I was abused my whole life, I became mentally ill to the point where I should had been hospitalized and medicated. I received none of that, because of course my abusers will never aknoledge my mental illness, but even if they did there ain’t SHIT for abuse survivors or mentally ill people here.

I had to drop out of college in my second year because of how suicidal I was. I still haven’t been able to be functional enough to go back.

Now that I’m in my early twenties, I have to have a job and make money to survive, except I can barely do shit like eating and taking a shower. The therapists that I’ve gone to were a fucking disaster. There isn’t a single support group for basic shit like depression or anxiety where I live.

Professionals don’t know what ADHD is, and there’s only one med that treats it that is not illegal here.

I’m not trying to throw people under the bus, or to make them feel guilty, but it just makes me sad the fact that in some places, mental health resources exists.

What the fuck am I suppoused to do???

All these years, while I’ve been recovering ON MY OWN, I’ve heard people from other countries saying “reach out! that’s the best thing you can do!”.

Well, what if there’s nothing there?

That’s how things are where I live. Even if you survive the abuse, you might die when you reach adulthood because you have no resources to recover.

Maybe surviving the abuse wasn’t enough. Maybe I’ll end up dead anyway.