Recovery checklist

Throughout my life I’ve managed to:
  • survive my childhood
  • decided I wasn’t going to die, at the age of 19
  • decided I was going to start the career that I’ve always dreamed of (even though all my abusers were against it)
  • staring recovering on my own, analyzing my thoughts and doing cognitive therapy exercises (before I even know that existed)
  • learn a shit ton about mental health
  • quitting my job and deciding to start my own online business
  • realized I had ADHD
  • realized that I had (and was, and am) being abused my whole life
  • surviving adult years

 

This year I’ve managed to:

  • tell my friends a little bit about my story and my present (first time talking to people who know me irl about it)
  • write and share my story online (so I can have proof that it’s real, and I don’t die with the secret)
  • make friends online (on Discord servers), connecting to other abuse survivors
  • get the ADHD diagnosis
  • starting therapy (which is far from great, but it’s better than nothing)
  • kinda talk to my abusers about my mental health (obviously wasn’t a positive experience, but at least they can’t they they “aren’t aware of it”)
  • start a local mental health online group (which happens to be pretty unique and special group)
  • be part of a feminism online network (which helps me feel less alone, and I know I can go there for help if I think I’ll be kicked out form my abuser’s house)

 

I still need:

  • meds for the ADHD, and with that being able to have a routine
  • someone irl who I can tell my whole story, so I feel heard and I don’t have to be the only one carrying this big secret
  • a good therapist (someone who is emphatic, so I can talk about my abuse and feel heard and understood)
  • to feel better (with meds help), working, saving money, and moving out.
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The gaslighting slows me down, but I’m still going

I’m in the process of getting (at least part of) the treatment that I need, so I’ve been talking to my abusers about my mental health.

It’s hell because they’re full of shit and gaslighting. They’re like “yeah, I support you”, when in reality they

  • deny the things I struggle with,
  • think I have no real problems,
  • think I’m too sensitive,
  • showed little to no empathy after me literally saying “I’ve been struggling for a really long time, I can barely do stuff, and the professionals I’ve seen think I should get treated”,  (no best wishes, offering me support or help, thanking me for sharing it with them, etc.)
  • ignored / were completely unaware of my mental illness ever since I was a kid,
  • blame me for “not saying anything”, even though I did but they shot me down time every single time,
  • think (and tell me) that getting professional help is pointless, and that the only thing that will really help me is their religion,
  • make remarks about how “sad” they are that I treat them “coldly” ever “since I was a kid” which is a blatant lie,
  • blame me for our lack of relationship, while also making me pity them cause they’re “alone and have no relationships”,
  • and obviously completely ignore and deny the fact that they have always treated me like trash.

I’m probably forgetting things.
But they support me getting treatment! Whatever’s best for me!

Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.

 


 

It’s been hard, but I’m getting there. I’m trying to get the therapy and medication I need, I’m talking to people, I’m advocating for mental health.

It’s hard, but I’m getting there.

We exist

Pros: I’m doing therapy and she’s great.
Cons: I feel like shit.

 


 

I’ve been abused my whole life. That has been my life. I don’t know how to be a human, how to live. The pain is so big.

I feel like the only way to move on is to accept it as a part of me. The abuse I’ve suffered my whole life defines who I am today. That’s just how it is.

But at the same time that makes me feel gross. Like I’m accepting it, like I wanted it. Like I liked it. I was there, therefore I was part of it. I participated by just existing.

But that is not true.

I just have to face the world, being honest with who I am. I’m an abuse survivor. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want it. But it defines who I am today. And I’m gonna keep going, or at least try.

We exist.

Outcast

I’m so angry at everyone. Every single neurotypicial fucker in this world.

I’m so pissed of about the fact that I was put into this situation.

I was abused my whole life, and no teacher or adult around me did shit about it. And even if they wanted to help me, they probably wouldn’t had had any resources to recommend me, since the place where I live is shit.

Because I was abused my whole life, I became mentally ill to the point where I should had been hospitalized and medicated. I received none of that, because of course my abusers will never aknoledge my mental illness, but even if they did there ain’t SHIT for abuse survivors or mentally ill people here.

I had to drop out of college in my second year because of how suicidal I was. I still haven’t been able to be functional enough to go back.

Now that I’m in my early twenties, I have to have a job and make money to survive, except I can barely do shit like eating and taking a shower. The therapists that I’ve gone to were a fucking disaster. There isn’t a single support group for basic shit like depression or anxiety where I live.

Professionals don’t know what ADHD is, and there’s only one med that treats it that is not illegal here.

I’m not trying to throw people under the bus, or to make them feel guilty, but it just makes me sad the fact that in some places, mental health resources exists.

What the fuck am I suppoused to do???

All these years, while I’ve been recovering ON MY OWN, I’ve heard people from other countries saying “reach out! that’s the best thing you can do!”.

Well, what if there’s nothing there?

That’s how things are where I live. Even if you survive the abuse, you might die when you reach adulthood because you have no resources to recover.

Maybe surviving the abuse wasn’t enough. Maybe I’ll end up dead anyway.

My facets

This is embarrassing but I had to get it off my chest.

Host: M, girl, real age. Straight.
Doesn’t really front, ever. Don’t know much about her. The facets probably showed up when she was young to protect her, so she’s not really aware of the trauma, although she might hold some memories from when I was really young. Can’t front since my life is too overwhelming for any human being. Also, I’m afraid she would be too confrontational with my abusers. Really connected to the body (the few times she’s fronted).

Protector: L. gender less, no age although it feels like they’re a bit younger than the Host. Bisexual.
The one that has been fronting for years. Lots of dissociation, has really bad memory,  has a “just survive and keep going” modus operandi. Although they’ve been fronting for years, I hate feeling genderless. It feels more like a robot, instead of a person.
Probably showed up to protect the host when she was little. Totally disconnected from the body.

Another facet: A, masculine, around the age of the protector. Bisexual.
Don’t know much about him, never fronts. Gender dysphoria issues when he’s around. Doesn’t really hold any memories. Feels okay about my abusers, since he doesn’t see the abuse.

Little facet. Girl. Around 5 maybe? But with the body of an adult. Non-verbal.
Been around for a while, but I wasn’t sure if she was really a facet or just a part of my personality, until she co-fronted one day when I got triggered. Dormant pretty much all of the time.

 

I hate having facets cause I would love to feel like a normal girl my age, but I don’t think the host could live my life.