It’s 2 a.m. and I can’t stop crying. I’m so fucking sad.
I know that is not, but I can’t help to feel like everything is my fault. What of I’m not doing enough? What if I never recover? What if I’m alone forever? What if I always feel this pain?
I don’t even know how all this sadness can fit inside my body, I feel like it’s infinite. I could cry for the rest of my life and it would still not be enough time to mourn how my young self was murdered.
I guess not a lot of people go through that experience, feeling so much sadness for yourself. Like witnessing a tragedy, but you’re the one going though it.
I’m thinking about the future, when I share my pain with people that love me. I’ll cry so much, and they will too, and they’ll be just as hurt.
We will both mourn that death. Although it makes me feel guilty knowing that they’ll be in pain, I hope that day comes.
I know that I should have hope, but it’s so hard. And even if I’m able to move on, things won’t be easy.
I don’t know, I have too much sadness. I wish I had someone to hug, I haven’t had a hug in years.
I need someone to tell me they love me, and that is not my fault, that I’m strong, and I did everything I could and more. That they’re proud of me.
That’s all I’ve got. The hope that someday thing will be better.
Tired 