Hope and dread, simultaneously

So. The last few months of last year were “good” I guess (in my parameters). I did a shit ton of things for my recovery last year, so I’m proud about that.

Right now I’m more stable than I’ve ever been. I’m taking care of my health, I’m taking the adhd meds and I’m paying attention to my symptoms and needs. It’s pretty cool, I’ve learned a lot about how my body+brain work.

The next goal is to be able to work semi regularly. It’s a struggle, but I might be slowly approaching it. Also my economical situation has never been worse, but I have hope in myself? Maybe? At least that’s what I tell myself.

My abusers still hate me for no reason, refuse to acknowledge my health problems (never mind the fact that I’m disabled) and work really hard to ruin my life.

It’s like I’ve never had more tools and support, but also things are harder than ever. There’s a ticking clock over my head, cause I have a deadline from my abuser. I have to make money and move out soon. Again, refusing to aknoledge in any way that I’m spending a fortune in my treatment and that just doing everyday things like eating and sleeping are fucking hard for me.

Can’t wait till they’re fucking dead! I hope they suffer too.

And it’s twisted because not only I was and am abused and traumatized, but I also happen to have a neurological disability that makes ESCAPING this hell even harder.

Ha ha. Life’s irony.

When I feel hopeless I think about other people who have recovered and escaped their abusers. I hope that’s me one day. I’ve been kinda suicidal too, but what’s new.

Like always, things are better than ever but there’s still so much to go.

God, my life would be so much easier if they were dead.

Useless bodies

Being low functioning while living in a capitalist society is fucking hell.

Even if you somehow have enough money to survive, the guilt destroys you everyday. Maybe I just need to try harder. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’m just stupid. Maybe I should just get up and do it. That’s probably what other people do. Stop getting distracted. Stop dissociating. Stop feeling sad. Just work. That’s your obligation. Work. Work. Work.

Do something. You’re so useless.

Capitalism and my abusers, saying the same things.

You’re useless, there’s no worth in you. You don’t matter.

 

I’ve been having such a hard time. I don’t even know why, I can’t think.

Outcast

I’m so angry at everyone. Every single neurotypicial fucker in this world.

I’m so pissed of about the fact that I was put into this situation.

I was abused my whole life, and no teacher or adult around me did shit about it. And even if they wanted to help me, they probably wouldn’t had had any resources to recommend me, since the place where I live is shit.

Because I was abused my whole life, I became mentally ill to the point where I should had been hospitalized and medicated. I received none of that, because of course my abusers will never aknoledge my mental illness, but even if they did there ain’t SHIT for abuse survivors or mentally ill people here.

I had to drop out of college in my second year because of how suicidal I was. I still haven’t been able to be functional enough to go back.

Now that I’m in my early twenties, I have to have a job and make money to survive, except I can barely do shit like eating and taking a shower. The therapists that I’ve gone to were a fucking disaster. There isn’t a single support group for basic shit like depression or anxiety where I live.

Professionals don’t know what ADHD is, and there’s only one med that treats it that is not illegal here.

I’m not trying to throw people under the bus, or to make them feel guilty, but it just makes me sad the fact that in some places, mental health resources exists.

What the fuck am I suppoused to do???

All these years, while I’ve been recovering ON MY OWN, I’ve heard people from other countries saying “reach out! that’s the best thing you can do!”.

Well, what if there’s nothing there?

That’s how things are where I live. Even if you survive the abuse, you might die when you reach adulthood because you have no resources to recover.

Maybe surviving the abuse wasn’t enough. Maybe I’ll end up dead anyway.

If I die, it’s not my fault

I live in a place where treatment for adults with ADHD is pretty much nonexistent.

My life is a fucking hell because of it, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I need to work non-stop, to be able to get money and move out from my abuser’s house. But I’m mentally ill and have ADHD, which makes it really fucking hard.

I don’t have the support from my family (obviously), who don’t even know what ADHD is, and even if I told them they wouldn’t believe I have it.

I need to push myself every day, ignore my depression, my triggers, my trauma, and my ADHD, and just work as much as I can so I don’t die.

That’s my life. My abusers made me into a person who can barely function, and the place where I live doesn’t offer any help to people with mental disabilities.

This is not my fault. It’s the fault of all of these motherfuckers, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

This is your fault. If I die, it’s your fault.

No emergency exit

Okay. I’m going through a couple of days of a mini manic episode so my mind is all over the place. I’ll try to write this so I can get it off my head.

 

I’ve always dreamed of the idea of moving to a different country, living in a place where no one knows who I am, away from my family, a fresh start. I don’t mean like “disappear without telling anyone”, but just moving.

My goal was always to go to a country in the same continent. However, a year ago I came across a different country I had never contemplated before. It’s in the opposite side of the planet, a completely different culture. Sure, it has good things as well as bad things, but at least they’re new. It would be the ultimate “fresh start”.

It’s not like I had a plan, I didn’t even admit it to myself, but just having that thought in the back of my mind brought me so much peace. A new hope for my future, like I’d never had before.

Last week I decided that maybe I should actually look into it, and started reading about it. Then I came across a video of a girl explaining how she had just gotten her visa, and my hurt sank. It’s not like I thought getting a visa took 5 minutes, but I just had the realization that this is for neurotypicals only. Having a stable and important job, a degree, a career, a good relationship with your family, a good reason to move to that country. I will never have those things that you need to have in order to get a visa.

This is a neurotypical world built for neurotypicals only.

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This is one part of the whole thing. The other thing that really triggered me is sexism.

Both mine and that culture are sexist, just like any other culture in this planet. That’s obvious.

However, sexism manifest itself differently in every case. And although that culture is much more conservative, and I’m sure sexism is well integrated into that, there are also some other things there that don’t exist here. Like men respecting and treating women nicely, or finding a girl beautiful regardless of her tits size, or boys talking about how they genuinely want to get married and have kids when they’re a couple of years older.

I had never seen that before. Ever, in my life.

And considering how fucking traumatized I am, and how hard it is for me to just be around men, the idea of living in a place where men are less scary sounded like a fucking dream.

Guess is not going to happen though.